Relief

So our furbaby boy, Buddy, has overcome whatever it was that was making him overly needy. He’s back to his seeking scratches and treats from all family members as well as returning to my parents bedroom at night.

Note: he looks grumpy here because I did not share my sandwich with him, lol.

Yesterday, I had given him a very small bit of Gidget’s senior vitamins, VetriSCIENCE Canine Plus Senior Multivitamins. It seemed to help give him a little boost. I gave him another bit today for the last time just for good measure. I mean those shots really made him sluggish. Figured an immune boost would help him out.

By the way, ever since I started Gidget on these senior vitamins she has been acting like 5 years have been given back to her. She’s giddier, literally is hopping around after everyone, and her eyes look so much brighter.

Here’s a short vid showing the product, how I cut it up and explaining why some folks received hard vitamins when they’re meant to be soft. To only see product name and cover you can rush to 0:53 of the video:

I made the vid for an amazon review but haven’t posted it yet. Going to give it another month before I do because I’m watching how Gidget reacts to this with prolonged use. She only just started taking these on Sunday. Her body’s response to them was so quick. Within a couple hours she had a pep in her step.

I’m happy to see Buddy well again and to see Gidget be healthier.❤️

Sincerely,

Jenn

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Worry mode activate

Having a bad panic attack right now. Our dog Buddy has been acting very needy the past few days. Like more than usual needy. Leaning onto us and actually sleeping in our room. Most often he sleeps in my parents room but the last few nights it’s been in our room.

He had a much needed check up today and physically he’s fine. Next time Sean gets paid we’ll be getting a blood test for Buddy to see if there’s something going on internally.

He also got three vaccines today and where he got the shots is very sensitive. He’s already yelped three times from my parents and me accidentally pressing too hard around the area when petting him.

He’s a bit drowsy which is to be expected and I haven’t seen any swelling near where he got the shots or anywhere else on him. And he hasn’t had any other worrisome side effects yet. He was staying close to us this morning but now he’s kind of doing his usual sleeping around the house.

I’ll be anxious for the rest of the week and keeping a close eye on him. If his back is still sensitive from the shots after today, I’m gonna call the vet to see what to do next. In the past none of my dogs have had that much sensitivity from shots other than them just being sleepy.

So since he’s actually hurting a bit, I’m nervous. Well that and because he had been so extra needy lately. I really hope he’ll be fine. I’ll feel more at ease after a blood test.

Sincerely, Jenn

Endless Sad Thoughts

I’ve been getting that good, old random depression brought on by shitty memories.

This time though the memories were ignited by me finding a dead squirrel that had drowned in one of mom’s gardening bins which had collected a loooot of water. I had heard desperate scratches early yesterday morning. I was rushing to get the dogs to go potty and then feed them and was too uneasy by the noise to search for its source. When I finally got back from dropping the hubbie off at work, I finally searched the backyard.

There were no more sounds of scratches. The poor squirrel had ended up in one of the bins that is actually just a trash can with a hands free top. Meaning you drop something in and the two halves of the top tilt inward and let in whatever you drop onto it. There would have been no way for the poor creature to escape. When I saw it at the bottom of the can I just started crying.

#1 If I had just went to look for the source earlier, I could’ve tipped the can over and free the poor thing. #2 Seeing it dead made me wallow in thoughts of death.

My husband said that even if I had freed it, the squirrel could’ve suffered from dry drowning and experience a slower, more painful death.

I was conflicted and still felt guilty despite what he said.

I began pondering what good do I do in this world? Too fearful to do things. Too anxious to be of use to others. I’ve done nothing significant for this world. And I haven’t done anything significant for those I love and care for—or at least I feel like I haven’t.

Was I there when a friend or family member needed me most? Though by that point they had others to be there for them. They had others they had grown far closer to.

Who will remember me when I die? Those on Facebook will probably remember me as the girl who kept talking about her endometriosis too much or oversharing whatever incident she went through. If you are reading this and don’t know what endometriosis is, here is how I wrote it in another blog of mine:

Endometriosis is a disorder where endometrial implants/tissue grows where it shouldn’t during each menstrual cycle. These implants/tissues bleed everywhere and adheres to everything around it.

So, imagine your uterus and the organs around it covered in a web of cysts, scar tissue and blood glue. Yup. Gross. And painful.

And it wasn’t just that, the disorder disrupted so many parts of my lower body. As the damage to my organs worsened, it was as if nutrients weren’t getting to where they needed to go. The slightest pressure produced bruises that wouldn’t go away. Nerves became pinched and my joints felt so weak that it felt like they’d tear apart at any moment. I wish they had a cure. I’m only able to function again because of birth control which ceases the horrid cycle of uterus-self-destruction.

It’s depressing that 10 years of my life was a blur of work, struggle, health problems, and trying to figure out what the hell I wanted in this life. I was so focused on me and trying to be happy with myself, that I left a lot of bridges to friends and family neglected. And when I had broken up with my ex, I had lost a lot of friendships I made during those years because they were all his friends first.

Who will remember me other than my husband and parents? Who will remember good things about me? I’ve done nothing worthy of to be remembered through the ages. I know I’m just another spec in the history of this world. But I hope the people I love and care for have some small space for me in their minds because they’re always in mine. I may suck at nurturing relationships outside my circle (husband, dog babies, and parents) but I still love everyone in my life so much. I’m just shite at showing it, lol, and it makes me sad because I have no idea what they all think of me.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

Residual Damage?

I wish I had a Jetsons vehicle. I could hover over all the crazy traffic and never have to worry about anything other than objects I could possibly fly into. Well actually, I’d have crazy maneuverability so I wouldn’t even be that worried about said objects.

Unfortunately, I have a little car that people have trouble seeing. At least that’s what they keep telling me when they hit my car. 😑

I was taking Sean to work. I had woken up with a really shitty attitude. I feel like if I had been my normal, chill self that morning, I would’ve reacted waaay faster than I did to being hit. But alas, my reaction time was too slow.

Apparently he was trying to avoid hitting a truck that had suddenly put on its brakes. He also said that it looked like the car behind him was driving too quickly so he was afraid of that car hitting him. From the sounds of it, he could have given himself more space between his Jeep and the truck. And if the car behind him hit him, it would’ve been their fault, not his. And lastly, he has a Jeep… and his giant bumper is like a fortress. After he had hit my car, all his bumper had was a scratch!

Anywho, he did not see me because I was somewhere in one of his blind spots. I’m guessing in his panic, he made a quick glimpse to his right and saw it was clear. I saw him moving into my lane when the front of my car was already near his Jeep’s midsection. And even though I saw his Jeep start to go into my lane, I felt that no matter what I did I would get hit because of how quick everything was happening.

I let out a scream when I heard the grind of metal. The driver of the Jeep had realized midway what was happening from the sound, so he began pulling away by the time his bumper reached the driver side passenger door. My scream startled Sean from his world of reading and he asked what happened while he looked around himself in bewilderment. I yelled that my car got hit and I pointed angrily at the Jeep that was now pulling off into a parking lot beside the highway. After going through the motions, the old man who owned the Jeep claimed liability and apologized for what had happened.

I thought all was okay then since my poor scarred car would now get repaired by his insurance. My front door needs to get completely replaced. The rest can be buffed out and/or repainted. Unfortunately, I discovered after getting my oil changed that my coolant container is leaking. Not sure if it’s just the container or the tube that connects to it but you can visibly see the leakage. I have no idea if this residual damage from the accident or out of nowhere my coolant container decided to try and off itself???

Either way I plan on asking the guy that will be in charge of my car’s repair what he thinks. If they can fix it great, if not, then I’ll get it fixed somewhere else. I just want my car to get fixed already but it’s still a few more days until I can turn it into the repair shop.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Mental Health and so forth

Everyday I see more talk about mental health problems (mainly all over Twitter.) People seem to have to defend the existence of mental health problems because folks who somehow have never experienced problems in that department claim it doesn’t exist. And there are always the folks that like to list easy “fixes” to just get over it. But how is it that a person hasn’t experienced a problem within their own mental health?

In the craziness that has always existed in this world, how has someone not experienced depression, self loathing, anxiety, etc??? I mean there’s also schizophrenia and bipolar but I have no idea how common either one is and both scare me because they seem like eternal prisons.

We are humans. We feel. So, these people who claim mental problems aren’t a thing—how have they evaded the oppression of their own minds??? Maybe they can’t tell when it’s happening to them or maybe they’ve been programmed to think it’s something they should just shrug off; like when little boys are told to be men and not to cry.

I go through anxiety a lot. One small thought (mainly one silly worry) can turn into an avalanche within my mind. And then I’m feeling like something is continuously off for the rest of the day or I’m beating myself up for mistakes I can’t fix. My brain is stuck on repeat until I become irritable or a quiet ball of blankets. It’s just replaying the worry and mistakes over and over again. Then a fear rises up that something bad will happen.

It’s annoying.

But it happens every time and it’s so difficult to snap out of.

Mind you, it doesn’t happen to me every day. I have good days. But it seems to occur more often as each year passes. And I encounter more and more people who seem to suffer the same issues but try their hardest to push through.

No matter how the debate rolls, mental health problems are real to me. And they suck.

Sincerely,
Jenn

My lil diva is turning 9

I wish dogs lived longer. It didn’t really sink in how old my little Gidget was until this month. On the 28th, she’ll be 9. I think she already passed into the senior threshold but I’m not sure since smaller dogs are considered senior at 10 or later.

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She had to get some knots removed from around her mouth. She expected compensation for this bothersome experience in the form of food.

She’s the one out of the three that has a temper though she does give little Honey some leeway—unless there is a beloved toy nearby. Then all hell will break lose if the other two dare to go near it.

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Closest thing I could get to a sibling picture back in December 2018. Honey had gotten blood drawn that day so she wasn’t happy.

I got Gidget from a family not too far from where I lived at the time. She was only 7 weeks. She’s part Pomeranian, Poodle and Maltese. She’s a cautious creature that will love you when she has come to trust you. She’ll lick your hand or arm to death and she’ll whine in frustration if you do not give her any food from the table. My parents, no matter how many times I say not to, will always give little bits of plain chicken, lettuce, or bread from the table to our dogs. They’ve learned not to give bad human food to them though from what our previous family dog, Toby, had went through. 😢

toby

Toby had suffered from diabetes which led to other health problems when the company that supplied his insulin discontinued their product. He was completely fine until they stopped making the insulin. Within a month, he passed in his sleep at 14 years old.

I didn’t want our future dogs to suffer the same fate, so I was strict with what I fed them. But I still get scared for when they get older. Gidget is pretty healthy still minus the fact she’s two pounds overweight but our other two dogs keep her active and young at heart.

I love my dogs so much. I know humanity sucks for having domesticated them when we should have left them well alone but I couldn’t imagine life without our dear four legged friends. I’m going to buy Gidget a doggie birthday cake, some senior dog vitamins, and search for a good throat soother since she has a collapsed trachea that seems to be bothering her more now.

I found some of her baby pictures and had to share. 😭 May babyyyyyy~

xox,
Jenn

 

Need to Write A Lot

It would seem that my mind needs some emptying after a long time of thinking it didn’t. I keep forgetting that writing is one of the things that brings my mind true relief.

I naively believed that with this new chapter of the unknown in my life, I would develop a more carefree mentality; let things go with the flow and stop trying to micromanage. Unfortunately, handling the unknown brings me to the brink of insanity. It brings about an anxiety that knows no bounds, depression, and fear. All those things took that tiny bit of carefree I tried to grow and drop kicked its ass.

I’ve been trying to handle things I knew nothing about before. A lot of this crud are things that every adult has to deal with at some point but I just never knew the details. Unfortunately one of these things are obamacare applications and enrollment.

Why? Because I decided to take a break from full time and go freelance and Sean’s job doesn’t offer healthcare.

The whole process felt daunting to me. It was like walking into a foggy swamp. I couldn’t see where I was heading and I couldn’t even see my own feet. I was just trudging forward hoping for the best. Er, there’s a post where I vented about it…I think? I don’t even know anymore because it’s been so long.

But let’s just say that because of my experience with it, I have come to realize how horrible my anxiety has grown over time. My mind literally breaks whenever anything marketplace related enters the scene. For anyone new to my blog, the first person who worked on our application messed up everything. I had to keep working with marketplace folks to fix what he completely messed up. And even then a couple of the other folks misheard or misunderstood me and also made mistakes. During that process of trying to fix all these mistakes, the anxiety grew and I developed a fear of mistakes.

Hmm, is there a phobia of mistakes??? I guess the closest thing is fear of failure (also called “atychiphobia“).  Only thing is that I’m not rendered immobile by failure, I’m turned into an anxiety ball of tears and thorns.

My fear and anxiety muddled me up so bad that I, myself, fek’ed up next year’s application and partially 2018. For the latter, I accidentally reopened our 2018 application when I thought I needed to report a change but didn’t so I accidentally left that dang thing incomplete. So I thought “oh hey, I’ll complete it myself and stupidly say we need no help not realizing that I needed to select the “WE NEED HELP” option which ended up telling them we’ll pay the full $700+/month for the last two months of the year. *sigh* The representative said it was never really submitted correctly so we may not have to worry about it but should a large bill arise, Sean just has to call and have things corrected.

I say Sean, my dear husband, will call because I will no longer handle anything healthcare marketplace related, lol. EVER. He called and fixed our 2019 application, thank the heavens. But, I am STILL trying to shake off this sense of impending doom that more mistakes will be made by me and others to the point that a black hole will randomly appear and it will suck in everything around it until there is nothing.

All that sounds crazy? Yea, it does. But that’s how my mind is working when the anxiety hits. It feels like an invisible weight falls onto chest and I forget how to breath. Then my mind goes into overdrive with visions of the worst sort of things happening. And nothing you do or people say seems to help. You’re just stuck in a car going 100mph and the brakes don’t work. It’s a wretched, wretched thing and I don’t know how others are surviving it.

There was a talk show that asked a woman her secret to such a long life (I can’t remember how old she was but she was old enough to garner attention). She said that she never worried. She wouldn’t let things stress her out. HOW THE HAYSTACK DID SHE DO THAT?! I don’t even remember a time where I was able to fight off worrying or stressing.

I’d literally have to erase my brain in order to not worry or stress because I wouldn’t even know what to worry or stress about. I’d be like a two year old again thinking the best thing to do right now is draw on the wall with a crayon or wonder when Barney the purple dinosaur will show up again on the box of moving pictures with another catchy song.

Note, I am still in need of a vacation. Still haven’t had a real one. We’ll being going to Disney World next year. I am ready.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Hello from the mole den!

Be warned, I’m about to ramble about something random. Eh hem.. *poses like Socrates*

When I look at life, I look at it as one giant network of energy. Each life force is connected to one another and effects one another. How the interactions play out could bring about a domino effect or a butterfly effect. It’s just all connected in some way or fashion.

And when I say life force, I mean life in all things—not just human. Animals, the earth itself, what grows from it and so forth.

I also believe in karma but to an extent. There’s a lot of bad things that have been happening to the innocent for centuries. And they didn’t deserve the horrors they had went through. But when there’s someone who is bad and they do horrible things, I do believe they get their comeuppance.

Why am I talking about life force and whatnot? Well, because I think a lot, lol, and what is a journal for other than to write what I think. No matter what I went through in life, I always went through periods where I would ponder the growth, structure and machinations of this world when my mind was clear enough to do so. I always felt ignorant and naive so if I thought about the bigger picture I could step out of my tiny, selfish world, and better understand the world and the creatures in it.

Anywho, just wanted to let all that out into the void. Heck I may have already let that out into the void but it’s been so long since I’ve written that I can’t remember, lol.

Good news, by the way, Sean’s mother has started immunotherapy for her melanoma and the doctor gave her the go ahead to visit ❤. Sean seems to still suffer from a bit of depression once in awhile. He said there are days when he just feels down which I understand. My crazy hormones have taught me that one can be depressed without a legit reason to be depressed but I can’t help but worry when he does get that way. I feel like though he doesn’t voice it, he worries often. I just try to give him extra attention and love when he feels down.

Other than that, things have been rolling along. I’ve been dealing with a lot of goof ups from establishments lately though, lol. For example, my account was not updated when it should’ve been so I kept getting scary messages from the bank saying if they don’t get my info verified I could be fined and so forth. That was fun. Found out that despite me filling out the form twice and it existing in their database twice, someone failed to verify my info on the form. Because of that, the bank kept thinking I didn’t turn in the forms. 😑 You’re doing great, guys. Thanks for those mini-heart attacks you gave me because someone over there dropped the ball.

Also had to deal with the ultra-cruddy code system for an account I have (not with the bank from above but with a place that specializes in health savings.) I think they have shitty servers so when things got overloaded, I couldn’t get a code to type in so I could reset my password until 5-18 hours later. Their sign-in page only allows a few minutes of being up before it times out. Lol, someone needs to update their code system…seriously. It’s ridiculous. That and I need to stop forgetting my damn password, lol.

Ah, one other thing! I’ll be refurbishing the furniture in the room we’re renting out from my parents. A painting my mom bought inspired me to create a design that centers around marine life, the beach and the sea. I asked her if it’d be okay to revamp the furniture since it belongs to her and she just said “Do whatever, it’s your room.” which is Filipino for “I’m busy watching my show and Facebooking. Shh!” 😋

The side tables are outdated, marked, and dented. When I get all the materials together I’ll share pics of what I’ve done to the room. (^_^)

Sincerely,
Jenn

Uneasiness

There’s a painfully helpless feeling when you are unable to help the ones you love.

Some time ago, Sean’s mother said that they found something of concern with her last check up for cancer. This morning, Sean received news from his father about his mother’s lymph node tests. They apparently need to do more tests because they believe she may have some sort of cancer again.

Previously it was skin cancer that she had to deal with but overcame after surgery to remove sections where they found the cancer. I’m not sure if I heard Sean correctly this morning but I think he said “…if she does have something at least they caught it in her lungs early.” I have horrible hearing and I was too worried about him to have him repeat himself.

He’s clouded now. His mother is too because she didn’t want to talk about it and had went back to bed. I have this heavy weight on my chest filled with worry for Sean and anxiousness for his mother.

I wish I could do something. Anything that could help.

I want his mother to be okay. I want Sean to be okay. God I hope she’ll be okay.

I’m going to look for flights to Ireland this fall or early next year. Sean needs to be around his family.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Recouping

It’s weird when you start reaching life goals you’ve made for yourself. I wanted to change the setting of my life and finally did. I wanted to be closer to family I haven’t seen in ages so I have. I wanted to start freelance work so I did though this wouldn’t have been possible without my parents and husband. Because of their support I can afford to work freelance and develop my creativity.

All these decisions changed the safe routine I had led for so long. I’m walking in unfamiliar territory. This place works on a different mindset and different expectations. The people here all run at a different pace which we wanted but we’ve had to slow down ourselves to get used to it. I’m used to things getting resolved quick but here it takes time.

Oh by the way, we got a big surprise that was long awaited. The letter from USCIS for Sean finally arrived. He got the big okay from the government. He’s now a lawful permanent resident ❤. I stressed like a mofo about the length of the process. Stressed about it possibly taking even longer because of the move. But, like all things I over-stress about, it worked itself out.

Oh, and it seems the subjects of babies and treatment have followed me. My family spoke about natural ways and research done by people of the faith that can help me with my endometriosis and having a baby. Though one lady shared her knowledge as a midwife (for 40 years btw, wow!) for products and a regimen to help become fertile and conceive for women who have endometriosis. I kept that information for when I even want to try and go down that path.

By the way, the idea of birth control for my current solution for my endometriosis doesn’t sound good to some of my family. Not sure if it’s because they’re catholic and the church views it as a no no. Or if because they think it’s unnatural.

For any new readers to my posts: Women afflicted with the uterine disorder, endometriosis, develop cysts and scarring each menstrual cycle. In a bit more detail, it is when the tissue that is normally on the inside of the uterus or womb grows outside of the uterus or womb where it doesn’t belong. In some definitions they claim that it rarely spreads beyond pelvic organs. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. My stage 4 endometriosis is so aggressive that despite the surgeries and changes in diet and so forth, the cysts grew and spread too quickly.

The cysts and inflammation ruin everything. Within the past year it had developed to a point where my body couldn’t heal or function. I’d bruise so easily and the bruises took months to go away. And the even weirder part was my spine beginning to fall a part. I thought it was because I have minor scoliosis but there was more to it. The deterioration that was occurring was frightening and I don’t think those around me truly understood. I tried my best to explain but they don’t know how it feels. Endometriosis is still a foreign thing to them. I was in constant pain and felt like I was going to keel over at any moment.

Because of all that mayhem, I shrug off any negative views towards birth control.

Birth control allowed my period to stop which in turn stopped the cysts, scarring and inflammation. My bruises went away, my sciatica issues and back pain went away, my SI Joint dysfunction stopped, and my uterus began to heal. I could walk again and function again.

I was finally free from pain.

I don’t plan on staying on birth control forever and will find a better way to manage my endometriosis. And maybe I’ll join these endometriosis studies they have going on at some point… but not anytime soon. Like I’ve said before, I’m taking a break from it all. I need this time for recovering and growing in ways I didn’t allow myself to grow in due to fear and uncertainty.

Sincerely,
Jenn