Baby

For those wanting to hear more about my doggo babies, they’ll have the next post, hehe. This post is about my possible future baby. A very slim possible but some part of me always hopes.

I’m 36 now. I passed the half mile mark for my egg supply at 30 and each year is another struggle to keep my uterus from becoming a fused mess. I suppose fate deemed it a good time to move forward with things since I suddenly was referred to a fertility clinic when trying to find a way to take care of my new painful lesion.

As a side note, I’m stuck with the cursed lesion until next year. Our current “limited” insurance doesn’t help much for important things so we have to wait until we can get a health insurance with full coverage for surgeries. Fun times. 🙃

Originally we were hoping the fertility clinic could take care of my lesion but after listening to the nurse, we realized that it would be outside their expertise since the lesion was on my cervix and not the uterus which would matter more in their opinion since that’s the important part of bearing a baby.

Though at this point, I’m going to have to rely on surrogacy since my insides are pretty war torn.

Anywho, I still can use this clinic to hold my eggs. My 36 year old eggs. I have no idea how healthy they are or if they’re even really there. The barrage of cysts/lesions and the first not-so-expert doctor who had done my first two surgeries/laparoscopies scarred my insides pretty bad. It was a miracle the second surgeon specialist was able to fix what he could. But, no one has told me how those eggs are doing since then.

I know having a kid isn’t sunshine and rainbows but as someone who always wanted to be a mother… *sigh* as long as I still have eggs, I still want to try. Adoption is an option, yes, definitely, but I also want to have my own kid.

I’ve started watching a Korean drama called Oh My Baby. I used to watch Asian dramas a lot (especially the historical dramas), but I stopped when they started to get a bit too repetitive, lol. This one though caught my attention. It’s a 30 something single woman who finds out she has endometriosis.

I was really surprised that there was a show that even brought it to light. Like, it rarely gets talked about in everyday shite so it suddenly being in a 2020 drama just made me go “oh whoa!” It delves into infertility and this woman who always wanted a baby is now running out of time. It shows her going into shock after hearing the diagnosis and her options.

The way it showed her shock sent me back to the shock I felt back in 2013 when I found out I was already at fek’n stage 4 of the disease. All my plans just went out the window. I had to reevaluate everything and learn how to manage this disease and save my uterus and the organs surrounding it. It’s a constant learning process because they’re still researching the disease.

I’m going to keep watching the show, despite its corny bits, lol. Just feels comforting to watch.

I really do hope that despite all the crazy going on in this world, I can get a chance to be a mom. One day.

– Jenn

Gidget and Buddy

Yesterday morning was the second blood test appointment for Gidget. Her first test was several months ago, after they had done routine bloodwork before being given anesthesia for her teeth cleaning. They had discovered she has signs of Cushing’s Disease. They did another blood test to see whether or not she was at the stage she could take medication but she was not, so we set up an appointment months later for another test.

Gidget after she had her teeth cleaning and small growth removals.
We gave her a squishy bread collar to keep her from licking or scratching the areas where growths were.

The results for the second test won’t be available until this Wednesday. Here’s hoping she’ll be at a point where she can take medication. Her symptoms (always being hungry, sporadically drinking a lot of water and her incontinence, which is being assisted by her bladder supplements) are still manageable but I do worry as she is now sleeping way more than she used to. Though I suppose that could be her age coming into play but she’s very lethargic for awhile after she wakes up.

Yesterday morning, I did my best to make Gidget feel at ease so she wouldn’t get too stressed on the way over to her appointment. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account how Buddy (middle doggo) and Honey (youngest doggo) would react to me taking her. Buddy does sometimes fuss when I take Gidget out to the vet but today he wailed like his world was ending.

As the door closed, I could hear him crying out mournfully. Then I heard Honey chime in with her own screechier wails. My poor parents and my poor husband would not be getting anymore sleep. Yeaaah, we still live with my parents; we’ve embraced that filipino family household life because in this crazy ass world it’s just nice to have each other.

Back to the point, I was not aware how strongly Buddy was attached to Gidget. I know he was always drawn to her but they usually give each other space unless they’re all napping. Gidget is also more independent and chill compared to Buddy and Honey and likes to be left alone most of the time.

But wow, Buddy must seriously be needy for Gidget because he apparently continued crying until I returned. No amount of comfort by my husband or my parents soothed him for long. And when he saw that Gidget was not with me when I got back, he was anxious and waited by the door.

Sad Buddy

When it was finally time to bring Gidget back home, Buddy eyed me as I went out the door. I was glad he did not wail. Gidget was in better spirits now that she saw me again and was leaving the vet, lol. She was so ecstatic, she accidentally slapped the vet technician in the cheek and I was mortified. I’m used to that happening to me when the dogs get excited but never had they done it to another person. I asked if the lady was okay and she laughed and said she’d be fine.

Gidget glad to head home.

Buddy greeted Gidget with many sniffs while making wibbly crying sounds the whole time. He stayed close to her for awhile too that evening. Honey on the other hand smelled Gidget and proceeded to bark at her and challenge her. Probably because Gidget smelled like the vets which is Honey’s least favorite place, lol.

I dread the day that we lose Gidget. She’s my baby girl that’s been there with me through so much. And oh goodness, do I have this horrible feeling that Buddy will be devastated. I’m not sure about Honey. Honey follows everything Gidget and Buddy does and has her little terrier moments with them, but I’m not sure how attached she is to Gidget. She’s way more attached to Buddy. *sigh* 😔 I’m hoping we still have a lot more time with my little Gidget.

Sincerely,
Jenn

le triste blog

This poor web space just gets neglected. Only used as a dump for my negative thoughts and experiences. I think there was a time I shared the good and the bad equally??? Maybe???…Heh heh.

I’ve been spending my days distracting myself with games, movies, and online friend hangouts. I’m too much of a hermit now to actually venture out and spend time with folks in person often; not that I could do that with half my friends anyway because they’re spread out across the world.

I’ve been writing a book as well. A new one. The old two I had been writing have sort of fizzled out. Though I still wish to complete the children’s book I had been writing for my friend and her two daughters. This new book I’m hoping to actually complete as well.🤞

I’ve stopped taking my old birth control. My body just wasn’t working well with it anymore anyway. I ended up having enough menstrual cycles that new lesions have appeared and now I’m facing the wretched prospect of another surgery to help save my lady bits.

I started a new medication formulated specifically for endometriosis (Orilissa). It limits the amount of estrogen that my body produces which is one of the bigger culprits of the disease. I’m taking a new birth control with it. This one is safer to take with it as the old one has hormones that would conflict with the new medication.

Starting both was a bit bumpy. My moods were a bit all over the place from the depressive and anxiety phases my brain goes through when my hormones shift. I sort of balanced out after a month of taking it. There are moments where I snap from something that irks me (I calm back down a bit afterwards as my brain goes “Wtf? Chill out”) or I become completely neutral. Empty. Unfeeling. There’s no middle ground. My body goes into autopilot around those moments.

I think I’ve been through so many [over]dramatic emotional phases that at this point my brain and emotions are just done trying to get under control. I’m no longer fighting anything anymore and I’m tired of caring about everything. Even my bitterness doesn’t give a fek anymore. I seem to still have love and longing at least.

But overall, I’m just letting myself float down an ever-changing river that I guess will one day flow into a sinkhole or maybe get run over by a tsunami before I even reach a sinkhole. I mean it seriously feels like something crazy and horribly epic is going to happen at some point. At the rate humanity is going, it could be within the next few years.

It could be anxiety playing into this feeling though. But it sort of feels a little like intuition is mixed into that feeling as well. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know some part of me still feels concern about what’s going on around me. I’ll break down crying at the heartbreaking news I watch and read, but I don’t know what to do. I have so little hope in humanity. Humanity just seems hell bent on destroying everything good in this world and I don’t know where to begin with helping save it.

So, here I am. Existing. And trying to keep existing because I want to be with everyone I love and care about.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Bitter and very tired.

I seriously cannot handle stressful or unexpected [bad] surprises anymore. My body just throws itself into repeating anxiety/panic attacks. And after my mind and body are exhausted from the attacks, over thinking, and lack of eating, which happens as a wave of depression takes over, I become an emotionless husk for several days. Almost like my spirit just gives up for awhile to compensate for the previous days of internal chaos.

To top it all off, I’ve been feeling so helpless and hopeless the past few years. This world is full of so much damn corruption and greed, that I wonder if it’s even worth being in. I know there are hundreds of good-hearted and selfless people out in the world doing what they can but it’s hard to see the world in a positive light when nearly every corporation and/or greedy mthrfkr out there is doing something that is hurting, harming and/or badly effecting innocent and naïve lives.

I hate greed. I hate people who use others for their greed.

Is it so hard to live within one’s means? Is it so hard to be happy with earning things just through hard work and innovation alone? Why do businesses or heads of business turn to lying, cutting corners, and abuse the system? Why do they end up using or abusing their employees?

It seems a bit random to bring this up but no matter how many years pass, this problem is always there badly effecting the world and the people in it.

I’m very tired of the bad things humans do. And the only thing even keeping me in this world are the people I love, my doggos, and the few good things that still exist on this planet.

Better state of mind 🤞

No more worries about the surgery/laparoscopy bill saga. I was told and given confirmation that the other bill I had seen in the EOBs is only sent to the insurance and never to the patient. I’m not responsible for that other bill. So that was a huge worry off my back. 👍

The other worry was my deteriorating emotional state and hyper anxiety while on birth control. I’ve been on this birth control for nearly 4 years. I’ve always had bad anxiety but the pill sent it into overdrive. For two years I took it non-stop (no breaks at all.) Third year, I tried to do three months straight and go off it for one month like it was meant to be taken. Over time, I noticed my mental state and emotional state were becoming effected by the birth control. After multiple symptoms kept occurring, I realized I wouldn’t be able to take it for three months straight so I kept minimizing it. From three to two months and then two to trying to take it only every other month.

It got to the point though where my birth control literally would turn me into this over-reactive creature. I’d snap at the dumbest shite or the smallest annoyance. My patience level really didn’t even exist anymore. And I felt so worn down every day I was on it and some days I’d feel dead inside.

Then last month, my body straight up rejected my birth control. I felt so nauseated an hour after I took it. Despite trying to fight the nausea, I threw up the pill. After recouping, I had imagined this mini version of me inside the control panel of my body pretty much yelling obscenities at me and telling the birth control to feic off.

[This paragraph is for new readers] I had been on birth control for so long because I’m fighting a constant battle with endometriosis (stage 4) which is when cysts/tumors grow within me every month. The menstrual cycle feeds into these cysts/tumors and inflammation increases the most during the cycle and for many women suffering, the range of pain can vary but most of the time it’s horribly, debilitating pain.

When the majority of the health industry says there’s no cure and all they supply are band-aid solutions such as birth control, crazy menopause-like inducing injections and and surgery (or “get pregnant” which for many is already an issue and people don’t like to get told to fk’n get pregnant! Especially if they had been trying for ages and/or is no longer an option or they don’t want children! *exhale* excuse me, had to vent that), you kind of try to go for the least scary thing. I had already been through three surgeries to remove the cysts/tumors that had grown inside me since back then they had grown without anything to really suppress them. I was tired of all that shite and decided the least painful thing to endure was birth control.

After having rejected the pill last month, I let my cycle run its course and it was a very long cycle. It was as if it were making up for lost time. Luckily, this cycle was not so painful. I also did my best to manage my inflammation levels and used organic pads which helped immensely (the old brand of pads I had grown up with sadly contributed to inflammation and other issues because of the shite that were put into them). I also was heavily strict with my food (NOTE: I was not so strict with my food while on birth control since the symptoms were heavily suppressed, so yea, I did eat bad food when I couldn’t afford the good food😅.)

I had researched options and decided to follow a diet chart for IBS sufferers since the symptoms are quite similar to some of the symptoms of endometriosis and both are affected by what is eaten. I copied down all the foods considered low-FODMAP (FODMAP I had then discovered stands for “fermentable oligo-saccharides, di-saccharides, mono-saccharides and polyols.”) My body seemed very happy with this. Between the foods in the list and organic or plant-based meals, my mind and body were functioning happily.

Last week, for two nights in a row, I faltered and got a 4-nugget kids meal at McDs since my husband was craving McDs both times. And oOOooh jeebus, did my body make me suffer. My skin and scalp went nuts with psoriasis flaring and then my insides were inflamed for awhile. That was the slap I needed to go back to strict mode. I’m being strict with needed supplements as well such as vitamin D since it’s been known to help reduce the size of cysts (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4209245/).

It’s hard to stay strict buuuut I need to be until I figure out what to do next. I have to find someone who is knowledgeable in the area about endometriosis and possible options. I’ll be setting up an appointment with my physician to see if she knows anyone and can refer me.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Update to all that surgery bill stuff

It turns out that the surgery center had been sending my statements to the incorrect address — for possibly 2 – 3 years? 😑

It was the oldest of the addresses too. The lady in billing said she saw the new address in one part of the system but saw three addresses in the other part of the system. It showed both my old addresses and my present one. It seems like someone on their end may have flubbed by not making my newest address the primary when I had updated them before I moved out of state. Or maybe their system needs a way to completely update all information when something new is added?

I’m still very confused as to why nothing was forwarded by USPS. I’m not sure when the statements were sent out though which may possibly be part of the reason why. I used USPS forwarding each time I moved and forwarding only lasts one year for each move (I think it can be extended but I’m not sure). So maybe after a year, the surgery center still hadn’t gotten the statements ready? And then when they were finally ready, they sent everything to the oldest address and never bothered to update the address for the statements even after I had updated them on the second address as well as my final/present address???

I’m guessing the lawyer was the only one to check my recent location? Not sure if he saw it in the system or did actual research on me.

Good news, they heard me out and worked with me (and thank heavens, she said no legal action was taken so I can pay it off normally). I’ll be paying it all off in monthly payments. And when I get it low enough to fully pay it off, I will.

One would think all is well now, yes?

I think another thing is looming sadly.

I had called UnitedHealthcare and asked if they could send me the EOB of the year I had my surgery. There was the surgery center’s claim which was what I was expecting but also another claim I hadn’t seen before that was on the page behind it. I do not remember getting a statement for it either. It’s from the assistant surgeon that worked alongside the surgeon who owns the surgery center. I don’t think the assistant works under the surgery center because I don’t see his name showing on their site. After further research, I found it under a sort of medical directory at a different hospital.

I’m not sure how to get a hold of him about all this. I’m going to call the surgery center once again but to see if they know how to contact him about this and what I should do. I’m hoping he’ll understand my situation and that had he sent any statements I never received them because he most likely had them sent to the oldest address like the surgery center had. I’m hoping he’ll allow me to pay it off in installments like the surgery center is doing. Because I know no other way of being able to pay off $6000+ instantly.

I must be cursed by the medical care gods.

Wearily but sincerely,
Jenn

One big fat sigh

Good grief. This whole year.

My brain and emotions are exhausted from it. I’ve been trying very hard to balance my mind despite the emotions. But sometimes…I just can’t. Like I just want to melt away and disappear into another realm of existence where chaos, fear and stress are nonexistent.

I thought not writing in here was a good thing really. It meant I was able to deal with what was going on without pouring my heart out into the endless sea of the world wide web. Buuuut, I keep forgetting how writing it all out helps me from mentally drowning.

I was blessed to receive financial assistance for the outstanding bills that the ER (previous post stuff) had sent me. I’m thankful for that. Extremely thankful. But it seems the medical community isn’t done with me yet. Today (after 3 years), the place that had done my endometriosis laparoscopy/surgery decided out of nowhere to send me a letter claiming I had 10 days to pay an outstanding bill of $5000+. I was shocked because #1 I had contacted them multiple times in 2017 [before I had moved] to check and make sure there were NO MORE BILLS. But now suddenly there had been a bill! The letter claimed that multiple statements had been sent to me but I hadn’t seen one. This was the first letter I had ever seen from them since I had moved.

This afternoon, I had emailed the attorney that works there (and who had sent me this letter) explaining that I had never received any statements. That USPS would’ve sent me the forwarded letters or at least I would’ve seen SOMETHING in their daily emails that show me what is even in the mail for me. I also explained I had called multiple times before I moved to see what left was owed only to be told there was nothing owed. Funny part is, one of the ladies within billing said that I wouldn’t need to worry about them tracking me down for what she had said at the time was $500. How did $500 turn into $5000+?! And sadly enough, they apparently did hunt me down? I just never received anything? until now, I guess…

Another thing I did before moving was I had called one of the office locations and told them my new address. So why didn’t I receive anything until now? I did notice that one of the surgery profiles had the updated address but not the other, so does that mean they had been sending it to an old address and then suddenly realized “Oh hey, here’s another address. Let’s try this.” But it still doesn’t explain why it never showed up within my USPS notifications or forwarded mail.

I try to do everything right… but something always happens to send me into a whirlwind.

*sigh*

In the email, I also told him I no longer have a job that can allow me to pay this amount so suddenly. I asked if there are any payment plans or something I can do. I don’t know if he’ll even read the email. This Monday, I plan on calling both the surgery center and him to get to the root of it all.

Of all the things to get before Christmas, huh?

Sincerely, Jenn

The health system sucks

Oh jeebus, I need to unload again. Just a smidge. Nothing horrendous occurred just anxiety, stressing and frustration overwhelming me.

It was triggered by ANOTHER EOB. And I know it’s not a bill, but what was in one of those explanations was said to be the amount by the hospital themselves so it’s still a possibility this crud is going to be a heavy hit to our finances either way.

It feels like the hospital and health insurance are working together to give me stress though, lol. Seriously, they should just have one whole bill with everything done that day listed on it with one Explanation of Benefits for that whole bill. Instead they broke it into bits that are being sent to me every other week. It’s sending my anxiety into overdrive every time.

Sean said not to worry and we’ll handle it. But, it keeps growing. Over $9000 now. *sigh*

It feels like the things that are supposed to help us in this world aren’t really there to help us. And I know those workers at the hospital need to get paid too. But man, why does it feel like they’re overcharging for everything they did to me. And it wasn’t even a helpful visit. They stuck me multiple times causing my arms bruising which made it difficult to receive the CTScan fluid at first because of the bruising on my right arm; they had to stick me AGAIN on the lesser poked arm just so the fluid could go through without pain. Then after all they had done to test me, they found NOTHING.

They saw nothing. Source of Pain Unknown. They’re charging 1000s for them hurting me multiple times and finding no cause of my original pain in the end. Frack’n hek, it’s ridiculous.

Sorry for bringing this issue up again but during these weird, depressing days, I feel like the whole system is a big fail. And our only purpose is to feed that system until we die whether we agree with everything or not. It’s like we have no choice. And even if we try to bring the changes we need, those in power will always have the upper hand.

I can never truly be happy in this kind of world. And so much revolves around money. It’s like shackles digging into the skin more and more as each day passes.

I want to be free. But in the end, there is no real freedom.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Prepping for the worst

Been searching out last will and living will stuff as of late. Between my health and COVID-19, my focus has been directed at prepping for the worst outcome. Though the prepping has been slow due to me fighting off depression from the news. The news has made me such a bitter, angry and sorrowful person.

I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by everything that’s been going on. Grim thoughts like, “Will things ever change?” and “Will I even be alive to pay back the ER bill we’ll be getting???,” keep revolving in my head. I had went last month to the ER because of a sharp pain that kept pulsating around my abdominal area the entire night. The ER folks didn’t find the source of my pain and our health insurance only covers $400+ of a $9000+ bill… 😑

We received EOBs that showed that after an agreed “discount” amount, we’ll possibly have to pay $5000+…

Fun times.

With this second wave of COVID-19, America is getting hit hard thanks to all the idiots that don’t believe in it and/or haven’t properly followed prevention methods. The state I’m in is getting overrun with the virus and stores around the area have been locking down due to staff testing positive. Turns out that one of the new guys that works at where my husband works had been in close proximity to someone who tested positive.

My husband told the new guy to quarantine for two weeks and get tested immediately. If he tests positive, we’re all screwed. My parents are over 60 and I have the shittiest of immune systems. Though those points don’t matter really since it’s all roulette on whether a body suffers from the virus or not. The person could be young and healthy but if the virus succeeds then—POOF—there goes their health.

I’m very sad right now. So many things I wanted to do in my life and who knows if I’ll even get the chance.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Please

There’s nothing I could really say that hasn’t already been said.

I know the world needs change. It’s always needed the kind of change that breaks down the blockades of hatred, prejudice and racism. So many have fought for a future where their kin can live safely and they can be themselves; a future they can live happily in.

And for every step forward that those who fought took, there are many who made leaps backwards. The ones who moved backwards, what fed their minds? Ignorance, fear, and/or hate??? All that remains nowadays are grudges and distrust because of the toxic cycles humanity has repeated throughout history.

I suppose ignorance would be something many prefer than the reality. Maybe their world is picture perfect for them and they don’t care about anyone beyond their world. But it isn’t just their world. There are billions of souls on this planet. We live in it together. The action of one can affect many and vice versa. So it can never just be only one soul that matters.

*sigh* Why does it seem so hard to reach a point where minds can understand one another??? Why do there have to be beings that seek to destroy others? control others? suppress others? The purpose of living beings is to live. In the animal world there’s the instinct that instructs all living things to survive. The animal kingdom can be just as vicious as humans about survival.

But we don’t have to follow the directive only one way. All creatures have a choice to support one another when needed. To grow together. To work together for common goals. Heck, even animals like badgers and coyotes work together to live another day. And yet, here are humans…for the umpteenth time…taking away the lives of their own species—for no good reason.

I’m not sure if my points are weirdly worded. I don’t know. It’s how my brain sees things. All I know is that my heart breaks at the suffering so many have endured. I hope things will change. I just want the world to work together for the future. No more greed, hatred, or revenge. Just a future where we all can live our lives to our fullest and those who seek to hurt the innocent get what they deserve.

Sincerely,
Jenn