The health system sucks

Oh jeebus, I need to unload again. Just a smidge. Nothing horrendous occurred just anxiety, stressing and frustration overwhelming me.

It was triggered by ANOTHER EOB. And I know it’s not a bill, but what was in one of those explanations was said to be the amount by the hospital themselves so it’s still a possibility this crud is going to be a heavy hit to our finances either way.

It feels like the hospital and health insurance are working together to give me stress though, lol. Seriously, they should just have one whole bill with everything done that day listed on it with one Explanation of Benefits for that whole bill. Instead they broke it into bits that are being sent to me every other week. It’s sending my anxiety into overdrive every time.

Sean said not to worry and we’ll handle it. But, it keeps growing. Over $9000 now. *sigh*

It feels like the things that are supposed to help us in this world aren’t really there to help us. And I know those workers at the hospital need to get paid too. But man, why does it feel like they’re overcharging for everything they did to me. And it wasn’t even a helpful visit. They stuck me multiple times causing my arms bruising which made it difficult to receive the CTScan fluid at first because of the bruising on my right arm; they had to stick me AGAIN on the lesser poked arm just so the fluid could go through without pain. Then after all they had done to test me, they found NOTHING.

They saw nothing. Source of Pain Unknown. They’re charging 1000s for them hurting me multiple times and finding no cause of my original pain in the end. Frack’n hek, it’s ridiculous.

Sorry for bringing this issue up again but during these weird, depressing days, I feel like the whole system is a big fail. And our only purpose is to feed that system until we die whether we agree with everything or not. It’s like we have no choice. And even if we try to bring the changes we need, those in power will always have the upper hand.

I can never truly be happy in this kind of world. And so much revolves around money. It’s like shackles digging into the skin more and more as each day passes.

I want to be free. But in the end, there is no real freedom.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Prepping for the worst

Been searching out last will and living will stuff as of late. Between my health and COVID-19, my focus has been directed at prepping for the worst outcome. Though the prepping has been slow due to me fighting off depression from the news. The news has made me such a bitter, angry and sorrowful person.

I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by everything that’s been going on. Grim thoughts like, “Will things ever change?” and “Will I even be alive to pay back the ER bill we’ll be getting???,” keep revolving in my head. I had went last month to the ER because of a sharp pain that kept pulsating around my abdominal area the entire night. The ER folks didn’t find the source of my pain and our health insurance only covers $400+ of a $9000+ bill… 😑

We received EOBs that showed that after an agreed “discount” amount, we’ll possibly have to pay $5000+…

Fun times.

With this second wave of COVID-19, America is getting hit hard thanks to all the idiots that don’t believe in it and/or haven’t properly followed prevention methods. The state I’m in is getting overrun with the virus and stores around the area have been locking down due to staff testing positive. Turns out that one of the new guys that works at where my husband works had been in close proximity to someone who tested positive.

My husband told the new guy to quarantine for two weeks and get tested immediately. If he tests positive, we’re all screwed. My parents are over 60 and I have the shittiest of immune systems. Though those points don’t matter really since it’s all roulette on whether a body suffers from the virus or not. The person could be young and healthy but if the virus succeeds then—POOF—there goes their health.

I’m very sad right now. So many things I wanted to do in my life and who knows if I’ll even get the chance.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Please

There’s nothing I could really say that hasn’t already been said.

But my thoughts want to flow somewhere and this is one of my outlets for my busy mind.

I know the world needs change. It’s always needed the kind of change that breaks down the blockades of hatred, prejudice and racism. So many have fought for a future where their kin can live safely and they can be themselves; a future they can live happily in.

And for every step forward that those who fought took, there are many who made leaps backwards. The ones who moved backwards, what fed their minds? Ignorance, fear, and/or hate??? All that remains nowadays are grudges and distrust because of the toxic cycles humanity has repeated throughout history.

I suppose ignorance would be something many prefer than the reality. Maybe their world is picture perfect for them and they don’t care about anyone beyond their world. But it isn’t just their world. There are billions of souls on this planet. We live in it together. The action of one can affect many and vice versa. So it can never just be only one soul that matters.

*sigh* Why does it seem so hard to reach a point where minds can understand one another??? Why do there have to be beings that seek to destroy others? control others? suppress others? The purpose of living beings is to live. In the animal world there’s the instinct that instructs all living things to survive. The animal kingdom can be just as vicious as humans about survival.

But we don’t have to follow the directive only one way. All creatures have a choice to support one another when needed. To grow together. To work together for common goals. Heck, even animals like badgers and coyotes work together to live another day. And yet, here are humans…for the umpteenth time…taking away the lives of their own species—for no good reason.

I’m not sure if my points are weirdly worded. I don’t know. It’s how my brain sees things. All I know is that my heart breaks at the suffering so many have endured. I hope things will change. I just want the world to work together for the future. No more greed, hatred, or revenge. Just a future where we all can live our lives to our fullest and those who seek to hurt the innocent get what they deserve.

Sincerely,
Jenn

No rest for me

I’ve lost a lot of sleep the past couple weeks. Between my own overactive brain and dealing with random occurrences like someone hitting my car for the fourth time because they “did not see it” — *sigh* — I’ve been running on fumes. Sadly, now my poor dogs have been added to the mix of stressing and worrying.

First Honey, the youngest, goes through pain from a Lepto vaccine she had received. It was the first time any of my dogs have had a heavy reaction to a vaccine. Lethargy I was used to, but Honey went through many of the side effects. She was shivering for a good 30 minutes after getting home, was very lethargic, not eating and any time we had moved her she’d yelp. We had to move her because she couldn’t walk. She’d try to, would freeze up and then stand in place as if her muscles were too stiff to move.

I did my best to keep her hydrated and she rested the majority of the day. I think the other two knew she was ill because they kept checking in on her and plopping down next to her. Gidget was especially close to her which isn’t usual. Only last month did they start to get close to one another without being bothered by the other.

I was very happy when Honey finally ate food. Originally, I was going to carry her over to the food bowls but she heard the other dogs run for dinner and tried to do the same. She ended up walking slowly the entire way to the kitchen. I felt so bad for her but was glad she was eager to eat. After a good night’s rest, she was back to her normal self. She was still a little bit drowsy but for the most part was herself again.

A few days later Gidget (the eldest) wakes up at 4 AM suddenly needing to go bathroom. She comes back in and starts to act a bit off. This has happened before, last April and in January before that. She’d walk around restlessly, throw up (one to three times), act uncomfortable and be unable to sleep and then her face would swell up. In April it was bad. Her eyes had swollen and her tongue as well. She had to get a steroid shot along with medicine to stop nausea.

This time around her swelling went away before she got to the vet and she only received nausea medicine. Despite this, she has been uncomfortable all day. We had given her benedryl to help but she just can’t seem to rest long. She’ll constantly move as if searching for a comfortable place to rest. I think I’ll have to take her to the vet again if she’s still like this tomorrow. I also feel I won’t be getting much sleep tonight again because she’ll be constantly moving.

I really hope these are just allergic reactions and not an underlying issue with her organs. 😦

Sincerely,
Jenn

I’m stuck.

I’ve been trying to write on this blog because it’s the one place I can unload my thoughts without judgement. But every post so far ends up in drafts. But I really need to post my thoughts as of late or I’ll go mad — even if these thoughts make me look stupid or useless.

I took a year off of working to heal. And I can happily say that my body has completely healed from the damage my stage 4 endometriosis had caused. I can walk again, run again, function again, and pain is at it’s minimal. This is all thanks to that double-edged sword, birth control, which stops the whole period=cyst/tumor cycle from destroying my insides (this info is for the new folks that come across this post.)

SO now that I am healed, that means I have no reason to be staying at home. My mom has been on my case about finding a job since the new year. I’ve been leaning on Sean as I healed and in truth I need to pitch in if we expect to save more at a faster rate. Plus, my mom said I need to work so that more is added to my Social Sec. which I hope will still exist for me to use when I’m her age.

Her newest reason for me getting back out there is that “we didn’t spend all that money on your education to be sitting at home.” Thanks, mom. Filipino mom’s always have to add salt to the wound. And I know exactly what she means; she’s right. Just wish she didn’t sound so grumpy and irritable while saying it.

The working world has been a bumpy one for me since the beginning. I had graduated when the recession had hit so it took awhile to find work. Nobody wanted an inexperienced graphic designer. So for two years, I worked in part time jobs to save money and to gain experience. I ended up with three part time jobs: cashier at GameStop, a cashier/administrative assistant at a car dealership, and a graphic designer at a photography studio. The latter was a non-paid internship but it helped loads with experience.

My mom ended up finding the place I would work full-time at for seven years in the newspaper. This place, though it made me grow a lot, was a very difficult workplace. It tested my sanity daily and the constant instability took its toll on my health. In fact, I was doing great with working my butt off until my body began to literally break down on me from the stress and stage 4 endometriosis. Stress does kill people. It just kills you slowly and gives you frikin health conditions to make your life even more miserable.

I know everyone has had their fair share of toxic/abusive work environments, backwards thinking and poor management. This is what I had to deal with for seven years. And I do not want to enter such a situation again. Life is too short for that kind of abuse. And I know, no situation will be perfect, but the fear of entering something toxic again has put a wall of fear that’s preventing me from moving forward.

I told my mother this in a more condensed way (if I take too long trying to tell her anything she’ll tune me out.) She said it’s no excuse. She said I could work part time (but not in retail which would be a waste.) She said I could work as an administrative assistant or an Instagram influencer like my cousin.

Y’know, that’s what started her pressuring me even more, by the way. She saw my cousin had become an instagram influencer with 10k followers and she was making money. Though she wasn’t aware of the full extent of HOW she was making money. I told her she wore designer outfits and she said “no she doesn’t, she just stands there and someone takes her picture.” -_-

No mom, she wears outfits from brand names or from whatever store she’s advertising, links all the pieces of the outfits to where she got them and rinse repeat. She does this with make-up as well. She gains money from the links that get clicked on her Instagram and blog. And then there’s the whole world of sponsorship that I won’t even bother getting into. My mom responds “whatever you could do the same thing.” Alas, I do not want to waste money purchasing all sorts of crud to advertise and model. I have no fashion sense. I get a few pieces of make up and use it for several years. I am the antithesis of an influencer. I am an introvert and have clothes that I still wear from high school. Hek, I would make Stacy London (from What Not to Wear) cringe.

As for an administrative assistant. I need to research what places around here even need one. Or if they’d even hire me since it’s been a year since I worked and had focused on graphic design for an age. *sigh* I’m just depressed and fearful. I know it’s no excuse and the world won’t wait for me but I can’t help but feel stuck within my mind.

I just hope she gives me another month to find something before making me feel like a failure.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Forgotten Post: My eldest Doggo’s bday

This was actually written back in February! I have no idea why it was still in drafts but for the sake of sharing the sweet moment, I will post it now. Here is my eldest doggo’s birthday photo with her doggo cupcake cookie (this thing was WAY too hard for her to chew though.) She was quite spoiled that day and it almost seemed like she knew it was her day to get extra attention, lol.

Her birthday made me feel giddy to celebrate but anxious because she’s becoming a senior. I don’t want them to age anymore! Also, it occurred to me that I haven’t taken as many photos of her over recent years than I had of her in her younger years. I needed to get more photos of her and the other doggo babies stat!

I found my old digital camera and decided to take a few photos of the doggos on a bright, warm day. I’ll be getting an album to put all the photos I have of them, old and new. Though I’ll have to print out a bunch of their photos from my phone.

Having a phone is like a double edged sword. You can take pictures so easily and they just keep filling the space up. But, I don’t always remember them. I don’t think to look at all of them on the phone. I want to make a sort of scrapbook album of them and put it in my little bookcase next to my bedside table. That way I can admire the photos in a storybook fashion.

If you look closely you’ll see the blur that is the youngest doggo, Honey.

I love you, my little Diva~ Lol she kind of looks stoned in this picture.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

 

Hello out of the blue

It’s been another long while since I’ve written. I’ve been having good days mainly but also days sprinkled with anxiety, uncertainty, and now cold weather. My body hasn’t been reacting well to the cold at all. The first day of cold my muscles were in a lot of pain. I hadn’t taken ibuprofen in ages but I had to for this sort of pain.

Since then, my body has adapted. Please note, I used to live in the northern part of the continent so I know really, really cold. I partly moved down south to escape that really, really cold. Alas, global warming—or colding? in this case?— has made it clear that I ain’t escaping shite. And even if cold is now only 60-50°F, it’s enough to bring chaos to my body. The temperature last year wasn’t even that low. It was actually really nice around this time and was in the 70s during the day and the 60s in the evening.

The weather isn’t the only thing messing with me. I’m reacting erratically to the birth control I’ve been taking all this time to fight off the internal destruction of endometriosis. Sadly, the price of having a solution for this wretched health condition is the loss of my sanity. There was a month where I turned into an empty, unfeeling husk. I’ve experienced this at times in the past but this was way worse. It worried Sean. I wasn’t reacting to anything. I wasn’t feeling anything. It was like someone turned off the switches inside my brain that controlled emotion.

I took a break from birth control for a few days and I “normalized.” I started to feel again; I was back to my emotional self. But, the bouts of mood swings are becoming a little more rough to manage. I get angry/irritable for no reason. I have no patience for things at all. As of late, I’ve been feeling very fatigued, weak, and nauseous. I can literally feel my heart working extra hard. I’m beginning to wonder if my body wants to give up. It just doesn’t feel right anymore. But, I don’t know what to do.

I need birth control to keep my insides from being overrun by cysts and tumors. I need my hormones to stop trying to kill me. So if I have to stop taking birth control just so my brain and emotions stop going haywire…then it means the hell I went through two years ago will return.

And by the way, a lot of people still don’t know or fully understand what the heck this health condition is. You’d think by now, with all the ways to attain knowledge, more people would be more aware of what health conditions have been plaguing the world. But no, there’s still a lot of ignorance. *sigh*

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

Relief

So our furbaby boy, Buddy, has overcome whatever it was that was making him overly needy. He’s back to his seeking scratches and treats from all family members as well as returning to my parents bedroom at night.

Note: he looks grumpy here because I did not share my sandwich with him, lol.

Yesterday, I had given him a very small bit of Gidget’s senior vitamins, VetriSCIENCE Canine Plus Senior Multivitamins. It seemed to help give him a little boost. I gave him another bit today for the last time just for good measure. I mean those shots really made him sluggish. Figured an immune boost would help him out.

By the way, ever since I started Gidget on these senior vitamins she has been acting like 5 years have been given back to her. She’s giddier, literally is hopping around after everyone, and her eyes look so much brighter.

Here’s a short vid showing the product, how I cut it up and explaining why some folks received hard vitamins when they’re meant to be soft. To only see product name and cover you can rush to 0:53 of the video:

I made the vid for an amazon review but haven’t posted it yet. Going to give it another month before I do because I’m watching how Gidget reacts to this with prolonged use. She only just started taking these on Sunday. Her body’s response to them was so quick. Within a couple hours she had a pep in her step.

I’m happy to see Buddy well again and to see Gidget be healthier.❤️

Sincerely,

Jenn

Worry mode activate

Having a bad panic attack right now. Our dog Buddy has been acting very needy the past few days. Like more than usual needy. Leaning onto us and actually sleeping in our room. Most often he sleeps in my parents room but the last few nights it’s been in our room.

He had a much needed check up today and physically he’s fine. Next time Sean gets paid we’ll be getting a blood test for Buddy to see if there’s something going on internally.

He also got three vaccines today and where he got the shots is very sensitive. He’s already yelped three times from my parents and me accidentally pressing too hard around the area when petting him.

He’s a bit drowsy which is to be expected and I haven’t seen any swelling near where he got the shots or anywhere else on him. And he hasn’t had any other worrisome side effects yet. He was staying close to us this morning but now he’s kind of doing his usual sleeping around the house.

I’ll be anxious for the rest of the week and keeping a close eye on him. If his back is still sensitive from the shots after today, I’m gonna call the vet to see what to do next. In the past none of my dogs have had that much sensitivity from shots other than them just being sleepy.

So since he’s actually hurting a bit, I’m nervous. Well that and because he had been so extra needy lately. I really hope he’ll be fine. I’ll feel more at ease after a blood test.

Sincerely, Jenn

Endless Sad Thoughts

I’ve been getting that good, old random depression brought on by shitty memories.

This time though the memories were ignited by me finding a dead squirrel that had drowned in one of mom’s gardening bins which had collected a loooot of water. I had heard desperate scratches early yesterday morning. I was rushing to get the dogs to go potty and then feed them and was too uneasy by the noise to search for its source. When I finally got back from dropping the hubbie off at work, I finally searched the backyard.

There were no more sounds of scratches. The poor squirrel had ended up in one of the bins that is actually just a trash can with a hands free top. Meaning you drop something in and the two halves of the top tilt inward and let in whatever you drop onto it. There would have been no way for the poor creature to escape. When I saw it at the bottom of the can I just started crying.

#1 If I had just went to look for the source earlier, I could’ve tipped the can over and free the poor thing. #2 Seeing it dead made me wallow in thoughts of death.

My husband said that even if I had freed it, the squirrel could’ve suffered from dry drowning and experience a slower, more painful death.

I was conflicted and still felt guilty despite what he said.

I began pondering what good do I do in this world? Too fearful to do things. Too anxious to be of use to others. I’ve done nothing significant for this world. And I haven’t done anything significant for those I love and care for—or at least I feel like I haven’t.

Was I there when a friend or family member needed me most? Though by that point they had others to be there for them. They had others they had grown far closer to.

Who will remember me when I die? Those on Facebook will probably remember me as the girl who kept talking about her endometriosis too much or oversharing whatever incident she went through. If you are reading this and don’t know what endometriosis is, here is how I wrote it in another blog of mine:

Endometriosis is a disorder where endometrial implants/tissue grows where it shouldn’t during each menstrual cycle. These implants/tissues bleed everywhere and adheres to everything around it.

So, imagine your uterus and the organs around it covered in a web of cysts, scar tissue and blood glue. Yup. Gross. And painful.

And it wasn’t just that, the disorder disrupted so many parts of my lower body. As the damage to my organs worsened, it was as if nutrients weren’t getting to where they needed to go. The slightest pressure produced bruises that wouldn’t go away. Nerves became pinched and my joints felt so weak that it felt like they’d tear apart at any moment. I wish they had a cure. I’m only able to function again because of birth control which ceases the horrid cycle of uterus-self-destruction.

It’s depressing that 10 years of my life was a blur of work, struggle, health problems, and trying to figure out what the hell I wanted in this life. I was so focused on me and trying to be happy with myself, that I left a lot of bridges to friends and family neglected. And when I had broken up with my ex, I had lost a lot of friendships I made during those years because they were all his friends first.

Who will remember me other than my husband and parents? Who will remember good things about me? I’ve done nothing worthy of to be remembered through the ages. I know I’m just another spec in the history of this world. But I hope the people I love and care for have some small space for me in their minds because they’re always in mine. I may suck at nurturing relationships outside my circle (husband, dog babies, and parents) but I still love everyone in my life so much. I’m just shite at showing it, lol, and it makes me sad because I have no idea what they all think of me.

Sincerely,
Jenn