Steady Change

It’s a breath of fresh air when you’re able to go down a path in life without having to receive an imaginative but fully felt stack of bricks to the head. I’ve been pushing myself to fulfill my business dream: creating art, making people happy with said art, and still earn some cents for sustenance. Since things are tough money wise at the moment, the urge to have food was a strong enough incentive to get off my arse and stop being scared to sell my art. Though it was also the encouragement I received from friends and family that made me have just enough confidence to take the plunge.

Sean’s job is making him do more for less. He can’t earn is usual commissions that made bills easier to handle because they have him filling in for someone they fired yet did not find a replacement for. And their job is a key component to completing all the service repairs because he was the parts coordinator. And weirdly enough, he was the only one who knew how to do his job. WHY THE HECK DIDN’T THE MANAGER THINK ABOUT THIS??!!!??? ( Ò_Ó ) Now he has Sean trying to clean up all the mess while doing all the other crazy stuff he normally has to do.

*inhale exhale* sorry, had to let that out.

ANYWHO, my branching out into the internet world and advertising my capabilities has actually been a fun experience. People saw my work, liked the prices, and now I have commissions trickling in every now and then. It’s not a lot and I’m only making enough for a couple meals. Though the first couple weeks I had a big enough queue to afford groceries. The money I get from selling my art allows the money Sean makes to go mainly to bills.

You would think everything would be fine now but other bills like a spay for the pup and ultrasound for my insides are still making bills slightly difficult to manage. The good news is that the puppy is healthy and has healed well and my ultrasound showed, that thanks to my handy dandy birth control, my endometrioma cysts are no longer active. The fibroids are still there and I can feel them but not having to deal with constant pain and inflammation is EXTREMELY GREAT. Three to four years on birth control should help clean up the mess the disease caused to my insides a little bit. Maybe even help shrink the fibroids.

The next chapter of our lives is just around the corner. After we move, there will be less pressure from rent pay (current rent is $1590 which eats up the majority of the earnings) and a chance to relax with Sean. He plans to take a two week break before looking for a job. I pray things keep looking up.

To manage my stress, I’ve been playing a lot of Ark. It is a game that throws you into the world of dinosaurs and forces you to survive by gathering food and materials and creating items and structures to help protect you and your group. It appeases my need to build. In reality, I really wish to build a bungalow for the doggies, Sean and I to live in. I also want to build a camper van because I want to experience the outdoors but I’m spoiled so no tents. Unfortunately we can’t afford to do either, lol. Sooooo, video games it is. But one day, I will build and I’ll post pictures of our hard work. ❤

Other than all that jazz, I’ve been packing and purging. I have way too much crap, lol. I’m actually going back to packing stuff after I post this up.

Before I head out though I wanted to say thanks to each of you who have followed me and supported me through your words and presence. 🙂 It’s helped very much through the ups and downs.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

 

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It’s Been Awhile

When my body was suffering, I lost the drive and will to do anything though I knew fully well that I had to get shiz done. All I could remember was feeling pain and trying everything possible to stop it. I wanted to move again. Function again. It felt like no matter what I did, the pain wouldn’t stop intensifying and spreading.

Who knew the answer was me just finally going back on birth control, eh? Who knew that my endometriosis could make things a thousand times worse? It was stopping me from healing, walking, sleeping—it was slowly destroying me. I know I’ve said this before but when you go through something over and over again day after day it doesn’t just go away from the memory.

I didn’t want a hysterectomy. It isn’t a 100% way to stop endometriosis. Though it seems to have suppressed it enough that the women I’ve met don’t talk about any suffering. My gyno had suggested Lupron again and that they have a pill version now instead of a shot. But I don’t think I’m ready for induced menopausal symptoms.

The birth control has helped enough in stopping the inflammation and stopping from anymore cysts/growths developing inside me. I’m able to walk again. My spine is still fek’d up. More curved than before. But the pain has stopped. The sciatica has stopped.

It’s the kind of thing that would make a person fall onto their knees and cry happy tears. Before I was completely healed up, I became more active. I crafted a tree out of crafting foam and cardboard. I bought battery operated fairy and Christmas lights that were affordable and crafted some puppy stockings so I could stuff them with new doggie toys for Christmas day.

A few days before Christmas, I talked to a lady for 3 hours at the DMV. She said I needed a vacation since I’ve been through so much physical struggle in a short time. I agreed. I’ve needed a break for awhile. It’s so close.

I hope the heavens will let me have it.

I want to sink my toes into the sand. I want to feel a warm breeze. Please.

I hope this body will let me live a long life with those I love.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Body Almost Self-Destructed

So, my gyno visit yielded the same results since that fateful day in 2013. Everything is normal except for the fact that type 4 Endometriosis is destroying my insides. But the difference now is that I’m going on birth control for 3 – 4 years non-stop! HAH! Take that, self-destructive uterus!

Sadly, the day I finally got my birth control is the day my menstrual cycle decided to stroll on up into the scene. I still took the birth control that day hoping that my cycle would get the hint and just dissipate. I didn’t want to endure another painful week of nausea, immobilizing pain, constant inflammation, and weakness.

While on birth control the first week, I was feeling some relief …though my sciatica was still battling the inflammation that usually comes with my cycle. It seemed my hormones were quite confused and were fighting the birth control. The annoying part was that I kept getting my knickers ruined because of spotting.

So I did what my gyno told me, “Should the blood persist, allow your period to occur for 4 days max.” I did this and I regret it.

It felt like my body was going haywire. Nothing was working as it should and dear god the pain. I was up every night, tossing and turning because every ounce of me hurt. My endometriosis is DEFINITELY affecting my sciatic nerve. It hurt to do anything. Sleep, walk, crawl, roll, stand… it was like my muscles were disintegrating and my joints and nerves were filled with needles.

Today is the fourth day. Very early in the morning I took the birth control despite still being in a somewhat heavy bleed. I couldn’t take anymore. The gyno had said that if it became too much to go back on the birth control. It was as if she knew the pain I’d be facing. =_= I just wish a voice from the future would’ve been like “Oh hey Jenn, just accept the bloody knickers for a few months until your hormones balance out. It’s better than feeling like you’re on Death’s door, trust me! K-bye!”

Right now I’m battling nausea from my stomach trying to process the birth control and Tylenol when it’s nearly empty. It hurt to eat and still hurts to eat. I let myself float in a hot bath for 20 minutes. This seemed to calm my muscles greatly and even lessened the pain of my ovaries. The weightlessness helped ease the nerve pain too since nothing was pressing on it. Thank the heavens for bathtubs.

Stomach feels sore though. Muscles feel sore too. Sciatic nerve is as delicate as a single strand of spider silk. The only upside is I no longer feel like I’m dying. Heh, I know I sound over-dramatic but seriously…this was the most painful endometriosis attack I’ve experienced in a long time. My body was not ready for it at all.

The constant dealing with pain and then the sudden wave of excruciating pain and lack of sleep turned me into a blubbering child this morning. Sean had listened and held me close while I cried out barely audible things ranging from “Damn endometriosis ruining my life” to “We could’ve had a baby if I didn’t have this. A wonderful baby!” I suppose I was in hysterics but my heart had let all that out. Constant physical and mental pain tears a person down. At least it tears me down. *shrugs* I try to be strong but I feel so weary.

I’m praying that this birth control will help diminish the growth of my endometriosis/cysts over time. I hope that my sciatic nerve will get a good chance to heal since I won’t be hounded monthly by horrible inflammation.

I am so thankful for Sean’s support. As well as the support of my furbabies. Buddy was seriously close to me the whole day today. He knew something was wrong. It’s amazing how perceptive animals are of their humans. Heck, I read an article yesterday of a family’s dog saving her owner’s life. The lady was pregnant and was experiencing a growing pain in her back.

“No one really understood how ill I was – but Keola did. She would nudge me and cry and I could never figure out why she had suddenly started doing this. Ricky said she was distraught whenever I went to work, when she had never minded before.”

Turned out the lady had double kidney infection which was causing the back pain. She and possibly the baby would’ve died if she kept ignoring the pain. But she went because of her dog’s weird behavior.

Another neat bit of info that I had found out was that dogs can sniff out cancer.

Thank goodness for dogs. ❤

sadcuddlybuddy

Sincerely,
Jenn

Mother of three dogs

Part of me is glad I don’t have a child yet. I would probably be dead within months if I did because the range of my freak-outs now just for my furbabies alone is over 9000.  And every new freak out brings about more uncontrollable emotion and more tears.

Buddy gave me a scare yesterday.

I had ordered Thai food the day before and thought it’d be great to have a curry puff for brekky yesterday morning. The amount of curry stuffed into these puff pastries is about the size of a golf ball. Not a whole lot but a nice, delicious appetizer. I had eaten a third of mine before I had gotten up to check the door after there was a knock.

Low and behold, the Amazon delivery folk left a long awaited package for me. I picked up the package of puppy pee pads and enzymatic pet toothpaste and settled it down on the counter. I opened it to see if everything was in order and then a thought struck me. “Why are the dogs so quiet?” I usually close the bedroom door when I go to answer the front door so Buddy doesn’t end up barking down whoever dared to knock on our door. And while Buddy is stuck in the bedroom there is usually non-stop whining and howling.

But this time, it was complete silence.

Oh, god… my puff!

I rush inside the bedroom to see the remainder of my curry puff gone and Buddy right above the bowl it was in. He was still licking his chops when I cried out “NO!” and began my barrage of tears as I recalled that onions were in the curry puff. The dramatic equation my mind created is as follows: onions + cats/dogs = possible death.

Side note: Honey was safe and sound in her crate during all this. She takes her naps in the crate because Buddy tends to be too rough with her during play and they don’t leave each other alone even after they’re completely wrecked.

Buddy followed me as I ran about searching for my phone and my laptop, which I used to research the number for the nearest emergency vet clinic. I called them and was told to call their poison control hotline for pets first. I dialed the hotline quickly, but I was left to wallow in my sorrow for 20 minutes before someone picked up.

The lady who finally picked up my call asked what had happened, what his weight is (14 lbs), his health history, and so forth. After the questions, she said she’d be right back. When she returned, she explained that Buddy would’ve had to have eaten 4 teaspoons worth of onions to have a severe case.

Luckily the curry puff did not have 4 teaspoons worth of onions. I had torn open the second curry puff I had left in the fridge to investigate its contents during the earlier part of the phone call. She did tell me to keep an eye out for him becoming lethargic and that he’d probably have diarrhea. Since the curry puff disaster, Buddy has been peachy keen. No vomiting, no lethargy, and has only expelled partially soft logs yesterday night and this morning (yay for overshares!)

While I prepared there kibble and teaspoon of pumpkin (two teaspoons for Buddy) this morning, I let them frolic in the living room with the newly purchased cat gym I bought them. Honey loves it. It’s her base of operations during the unending battle between her and the over-sized tank that is Buddy.

After they played, they ate, and then napped. After the nap, I did what my husband rolls his eyes at. I put a lil’ Halloween costume on Honey and then proceeded to take a quick Halloween picture.

Buddy silently judges my actions. He is his father’s son.

Happy Halloween, everyone~

Sincerely,
Jenn

The Road of Unknown

Life feels a bit weird now.

Back in high school, my mind had come to the understanding that a person can’t live without constant struggle. May seem weird but it’s a mentality based on what I’ve observed in life. My parents looked like they were always struggling.

I don’t expect that I will be free from struggle from now on but everything that caused me stress, pain and worry—I’ve let those go.

The freedom feels good but the uncertainty of the future pops up in my mind when things get quiet. My mom is worried about Sean’s and my finances. We don’t have a lot but we know how to budget when we have to. We could’ve saved but things were so rocky in life I felt like the need to actually enjoy ourselves was more important then hoarding money. Life is short and I don’t intend to force myself anymore to live it in a way I don’t want to.

I’m not worthless if I don’t have the type of job that people consider the norm. I’m not worthless if I’m not struggling through a job I hate allowing misery to ensnare me. I’m not worthless if I’m not making a lot of money. I’m not worthless when I make mistakes. I’m not worthless; it’s something I’ve had to teach myself.

I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve hurt and have been hurt. I won’t forget anything that I have done to myself or others. My mind won’t let me because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I want to grow and breathe…and just enjoy this life.

I will create. What I create won’t be completely unique. It seems the only thing that can remain unique are the snow flakes that fall each year. But I hope what I create will be liked by whoever it speaks to. I hope I can make a small living out of these creations. I’ll be writing and I’ll be drawing. And when I get better at it, I’ll be making sculptures and jewelry.

I want a simple life that has simplistic meaning.

On a less deeper note, the puppy has been a handful. Buddy was stressed in the beginning but things have balanced out between them now. She’s feisty like my little Gidget and even more hyper and playful than Buddy. I’m happy with my family of doggos 🙂

I don’t want people to think that I no longer want a child. I just have reached a realistic and practical point where I’ve let go of the need to control that aspect of my life. If it happens, it happens, right? Until then, I’ll have my sweet pups and family with soooo many children of their own. I’ll be seeing them soon. My parents, Gidget, and my aunts, uncles and cousins.

Anywho, here are photos of our fluffy rugrat:
IMG_4401IMG_4397IMG_4405IMG_4418

Sincerely,
Jenn

Mental Coasting

COMPLETELY allowing my mind to free itself from the urge to get preggers has done wonders. For those just tuning in, I had told the fertility clinic we’d have to put a pause to the whole IVF process because we can’t afford it. Even if we got some sort of loan or help…that’s a debt that’d loom over me horribly especially if it failed because there’s no compensation for our plan if it all failed.

Besides, it seems my obliviousness has ended the process at the fertility clinic already because I totally didn’t catch these emails until yesterday, lol:

You have 3 days left before your assigned due date to complete your educational module on the Fertility Patient Education Center! If you do not complete your module by the assigned due date, you may not be able to move forward with your treatment plan.

Whoops, lol. That was sent 5 days ago and had gotten buried under all sorts of AD emails from my fav stores as well as bill notifications. The time that I want to pause the process is like 3-4 years which is probably too long for them anyway.

Moving onward~ Pup update! I wanted to go the doggie rescue route but had come across a nice lady whose dogs had pups and was willing to hold one for us until the last day at my job. NOTE: Down the road, once we get our own house, I am straight up rescuing a pup. Until then I’ll keep donating to Vet Ranch and other rescues.

And owning our own home doesn’t seem like a faraway thing either. My parents said one day they’d help us buy a plot of land near where they live. After that happens my plan is to purchase shipping containers and make a heavyweight bungalow, lol.

shipping-container-homes.jpg

Why heavy weight? Because heavy winds scare the poot out of me and we’re moving where heavy winds may occasionally occur once a year as the news has shown us.

Speaking of hurricanes, I’ve been researching who to donate to for all the reliefs. I’m looking at places at Salvation Army, www.unitedway.org, http://www.hands.org, and http://www.bestfriends.org (pet rescue relief.) I like doing research before I donate. I want what I give to help people who need it and not get stored somewhere and forgotten or worse—be used to pay some CEO’s salary.

Changing subjects again because this is sort of momentous to me: removing things that caused me stress has apparently helped my back. Well, I’m not sure if it’s by coincidence but when things started feeling lighter mentally, my back felt like it was actually beginning to heal. Can stress actually deter the body from properly healing?

Anywho, my Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction isn’t so dysfunctional anymore. I feel the difference when walking and by the heavens is it amazing. Before, my nerve felt like it was dangling between two cogs and every other step the nerve was being pinched. It also felt like my pelvis area was cock-eyed. Everything that was messed up there kept me from bending, made walking/sitting painful, made getting up from bed painful or even laying back down. After laying down I’d have to wait 15 – 20 minutes for everything to sort of align itself away from my nerve.

I am one person who will never rush walking again. I am going to relish every moment of no pain while moving, lol.

Ah, and when we get the pup I’ll post up a pic with her and Buddy. 🙂 The folks who have her currently named her BeeBee. Sean wants to name her Honey. I’m going to call her Honey Bee. 😛

Sincerely,
Jenn

My Precipice

When facing a huge decision in my life I tend to constantly think about this decision until my mind wears itself out and then I undergo panic attacks that can either push me to seek assistance and/or make me handle things stupidly. Though there have been a few huge decisions I made where I remained calm and did what I felt was best. Right now though I feel scared and a bit too emotional. Guessing my period is coming around soon.

All these years, without my even realizing it, I built a cage around myself. A cage built out of repetition; repetition to keep some sort of certainty. I’d feel safe in that certainty because nothing would change. I knew what to expect.

But I need to free myself. I need to leave that cage. That place I label a safe zone because I’m too afraid to face failure and uncertainty.

I often question what the heck I can do for this world. What I can do to leave any sort of mark in it. So much has happened since the first being drew breath on this earth. It almost feels like everything that can be done has been done already. How would anything I do make any difference? I’m one soul of billions that inhabit this earth.

All I can come down to are my passions: art, writing and dreaming. I used to have the most vivid dreams. Dreams showing faces I’ve seen, influenced by stories I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and experiences I had forgotten but my subconscious kept. I used to take those dreams and write stories. I’d draw out the scenes and characters. It was a life cycle that pushed me through my awkward and annoying adolescent years.

I lost that life cycle during college. My dreams lessened. My writing was sporadic. Drawing was a struggle because I kept having trouble feeling inspired. This continued after graduation. I felt worried and often empty so I’d force myself to do projects just to keep some creativity alive in me. A lot of them were never finished.

But, I see that I have a chance to reignite my mind. To allow myself to day dream, write and draw without the miasma that the stresses of my job can bring. As well as the stress from the pain of sitting at my job all day can bring. I can leave my job at any time. But I feel I need to explain this to my boss. To tell her that I’m not giving up or abandoning her, but trying to break out of my miserable repetition to fly and try what I’ve always been too afraid to try.

She taught me a lot. I can use what she taught me and progress. Progress like all the others she’s taught in her life. They all left the nest. It’s my turn.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

A Less Stressful Wait

I suppose after everything I’ve been through, I’ve learned to respond to roadblocks a little better. I mean when it comes to anything health and fertility related.

I received a call from the financial coordinator at the fertility clinic. She sent me over all the costs and forms. The $10500 1 IVF Option is nonrefundable and the other options are extremely expensive even if they’re refundable. And there isn’t really the joy of being able to pay the bill in small increments like you’d be able to with a car loan. And then you have the additional fees: embryo cryopreservation $1800, annual storage $600, fee, frozen embryo transfer $4600 and so forth.

I sent emails to the financial coordinator, our Fertility RN Coordinator, and called the peeps at the specialized RX for all those shot medications and explained we’re not ready for this venture just yet financially and plan to save up. Our Fertility RN Coordinator said she understood, explained what I should do with the prescribed birth control, and said to call whenever we are finally ready.

I was actually thinking we could afford all this in the beginning. Then they sent me a table layout of the costs and made me realize how frikin poor we are, lol.

Setting up an appointment with my gyno and gonna get some birth control. Need to take it to keep the endometriosis implants/fibrosis/cysts at bay during however long a wait this will be until we saved up a good amount. For now, to my husband’s glee, we’ll be looking into adopting another furbaby. My parents will most likely shake me for doing this, lol, since my mom already thinks two dogs are enough. But I love animals gosh darnit! And if I can’t fek’n get my baby I will save some poor dog out there and adopt them! I can at least afford that!

Sincerely,
Jenn

The IVF Road

So we fiiiinaaally had our follow up appointment with our fertility doctor. Doc said after reviewing everything we’re clear of any diseases and all that jazz. I finally found out my blood type: A+. Hadn’t known my own blood type lol #fail. He also said despite what my insides have been through my ovaries look good. Unfortunately, because of the scarring our best option would be IVF; success rate would be around 60%.

Since I’m 31, they’d only implant 1 to 2 embryos which I’m fine with. Really don’t want to end up with quadruplets. Think my body would actually keel over if that were to happen. The whole prepping process is going to be taxing enough as it is.

Shots for controlling egg growth, a shot for controlling ovulation, uncomfortable side effects from such shots, a mock implantation, and all this day counting. Doesn’t sound so bad but—I fek’n HATE needles. My brain goes insane knowing that something sharp has impaled my skin. Yea, I’m an idiot that will occasionally and silently ball my eyes out while getting a shot. Though the crying usually happens when they use a needle that’s too big or have messed up a couple times because of how tiny my veins are. Ugh..the lingering pain I get whenever they poke the dang thing through… *shivers*

Anywho, before we hop on the test tube wagon, I’m going to talk with the financial coordinator. I want to know the upfront cost. I want to know if we can pay in installments. We were assured that if we do the one time implantation process that costs $10,000, we’d get out money back if the process fails. But I want to clarify if that means we get our money back if we don’t get a baby or if it means we only get our money back if I don’t actually get pregnant. I’m sure that I could get pregnant through this but what if there’s a miscarriage? Do we still get money back if that occurs?

So yea, fun times.

I need a permanent vacation…

Sincerely,
Jenn

The Shifting

There are moments in my life where I feel all is right in the world and I’m content with how things are. Those moments are great. Wish they’d last for more than a week.

Then I go through these phases where I’m feeling dread, frustration, and/or listlessness. I’m sure these feelings are mostly brought on by the shifting of my hormones. But I believe they’re also brought on by little irks that slowly build up—like building blocks of disappointment, worry, and so forth that get added to create an unstable tower.

I’ve been frustrated about what to do about my job. I’ve been hanging by a thread where I work. And with the changes that were needed and made to put my health first, I’m now asked by my boss to put my job first. It’s a logical request that she asks of me. It’s a business. In the corporate world the kind of consideration they’ve given me seems somewhat rare nowadays. Heck, her back actually needs surgery compared to mine and she’s now resorted to also lugging herself around in crutches. She dedicated her life to a job that shows little recognition and appreciation. And because she’s one of the few who actually knows how to get shit done, the others lob their work onto her.

I can’t dedicate myself to this job anymore. The only reason I’m even putting effort anymore is for her. I get frustrated when she asks more of me than I want to input because I don’t see the reason for further effort anymore. I appreciate everything I have ever learned from her and from my fellow coworkers as well as my old supervisor, may he rest in peace. But, I can’t do this anymore.

I’ll be leaving my job at some point this year. As a designer, to keep creativity alive, I was advised to change jobs every 3-5 years. Though I’ve seen many not even bother and remain in their jobs for several years. Maybe out of comfort? I did it out of keeping my word to my old supervisor and to have something stable while going through the health whatnot and going through the fiance visa stuff.

Financially, it isn’t truly needed for me to keep my job. There is no crazy surgery bill anymore that I thought had existed. We’ve been managing all the bills well. Any extra money I had made went to splurges in stuff like affordable, useful furniture, my back stuff (mattresses, crutch, back brace, etc.), and gaming stuff.

I need to change. I need to change the direction of my career. I can do this now. I can leap for my dreams now. I just have to stop being scared.

Also, update on my back stuff. Physical therapist explained the problems I had been dealing with recently. Apparently, I may have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SI Joint Pain) hence the imbalance I feel around my pelvis and legs. The left leg muscles have been spasming like crazy during all this shifting of my bones, by the way. Damn sciatic problems, lol. So she gave me exercises that will help strengthen the muscles around my pelvis and legs which hopefully help correct the imbalance a little.

Sincerely,
Jenn