I’ve been trying to write on this blog because it’s the one place I can unload my thoughts without judgement. But every post so far ends up in drafts. But I really need to post my thoughts as of late or I’ll go mad — even if these thoughts make me look stupid or useless.
I took a year off of working to heal. And I can happily say that my body has completely healed from the damage my stage 4 endometriosis had caused. I can walk again, run again, function again, and pain is at it’s minimal. This is all thanks to that double-edged sword, birth control, which stops the whole period=cyst/tumor cycle from destroying my insides (this info is for the new folks that come across this post.)
SO now that I am healed, that means I have no reason to be staying at home. My mom has been on my case about finding a job since the new year. I’ve been leaning on Sean as I healed and in truth I need to pitch in if we expect to save more at a faster rate. Plus, my mom said I need to work so that more is added to my Social Sec. which I hope will still exist for me to use when I’m her age.
Her newest reason for me getting back out there is that “we didn’t spend all that money on your education to be sitting at home.” Thanks, mom. Filipino mom’s always have to add salt to the wound. And I know exactly what she means; she’s right. Just wish she didn’t sound so grumpy and irritable while saying it.
The working world has been a bumpy one for me since the beginning. I had graduated when the recession had hit so it took awhile to find work. Nobody wanted an inexperienced graphic designer. So for two years, I worked in part time jobs to save money and to gain experience. I ended up with three part time jobs: cashier at GameStop, a cashier/administrative assistant at a car dealership, and a graphic designer at a photography studio. The latter was a non-paid internship but it helped loads with experience.
My mom ended up finding the place I would work full-time at for seven years in the newspaper. This place, though it made me grow a lot, was a very difficult workplace. It tested my sanity daily and the constant instability took its toll on my health. In fact, I was doing great with working my butt off until my body began to literally break down on me from the stress and stage 4 endometriosis. Stress does kill people. It just kills you slowly and gives you frikin health conditions to make your life even more miserable.
I know everyone has had their fair share of toxic/abusive work environments, backwards thinking and poor management. This is what I had to deal with for seven years. And I do not want to enter such a situation again. Life is too short for that kind of abuse. And I know, no situation will be perfect, but the fear of entering something toxic again has put a wall of fear that’s preventing me from moving forward.
I told my mother this in a more condensed way (if I take too long trying to tell her anything she’ll tune me out.) She said it’s no excuse. She said I could work part time (but not in retail which would be a waste.) She said I could work as an administrative assistant or an Instagram influencer like my cousin.
Y’know, that’s what started her pressuring me even more, by the way. She saw my cousin had become an instagram influencer with 10k followers and she was making money. Though she wasn’t aware of the full extent of HOW she was making money. I told her she wore designer outfits and she said “no she doesn’t, she just stands there and someone takes her picture.” -_-
No mom, she wears outfits from brand names or from whatever store she’s advertising, links all the pieces of the outfits to where she got them and rinse repeat. She does this with make-up as well. She gains money from the links that get clicked on her Instagram and blog. And then there’s the whole world of sponsorship that I won’t even bother getting into. My mom responds “whatever you could do the same thing.” Alas, I do not want to waste money purchasing all sorts of crud to advertise and model. I have no fashion sense. I get a few pieces of make up and use it for several years. I am the antithesis of an influencer. I am an introvert and have clothes that I still wear from high school. Hek, I would make Stacy London (from What Not to Wear) cringe.
As for an administrative assistant. I need to research what places around here even need one. Or if they’d even hire me since it’s been a year since I worked and had focused on graphic design for an age. *sigh* I’m just depressed and fearful. I know it’s no excuse and the world won’t wait for me but I can’t help but feel stuck within my mind.
I just hope she gives me another month to find something before making me feel like a failure.