Bitter and very tired.

I seriously cannot handle stressful or unexpected [bad] surprises anymore. My body just throws itself into repeating anxiety/panic attacks. And after my mind and body are exhausted from the attacks, over thinking, and lack of eating, which happens as a wave of depression takes over, I become an emotionless husk for several days. Almost like my spirit just gives up for awhile to compensate for the previous days of internal chaos.

To top it all off, I’ve been feeling so helpless and hopeless the past few years. This world is full of so much damn corruption and greed, that I wonder if it’s even worth being in. I know there are hundreds of good-hearted and selfless people out in the world doing what they can but it’s hard to see the world in a positive light when nearly every corporation and/or greedy mthrfkr out there is doing something that is hurting, harming and/or badly effecting innocent and naïve lives.

I hate greed. I hate people who use others for their greed.

Is it so hard to live within one’s means? Is it so hard to be happy with earning things just through hard work and innovation alone? Why do businesses or heads of business turn to lying, cutting corners, and abuse the system? Why do they end up using or abusing their employees?

It seems a bit random to bring this up but no matter how many years pass, this problem is always there badly effecting the world and the people in it.

I’m very tired of the bad things humans do. And the only thing even keeping me in this world are the people I love, my doggos, and the few good things that still exist on this planet.

Better state of mind 🤞

No more worries about the surgery/laparoscopy bill saga. I was told and given confirmation that the other bill I had seen in the EOBs is only sent to the insurance and never to the patient. I’m not responsible for that other bill. So that was a huge worry off my back. 👍

The other worry was my deteriorating emotional state and hyper anxiety while on birth control. I’ve been on this birth control for nearly 4 years. I’ve always had bad anxiety but the pill sent it into overdrive. For two years I took it non-stop (no breaks at all.) Third year, I tried to do three months straight and go off it for one month like it was meant to be taken. Over time, I noticed my mental state and emotional state were becoming effected by the birth control. After multiple symptoms kept occurring, I realized I wouldn’t be able to take it for three months straight so I kept minimizing it. From three to two months and then two to trying to take it only every other month.

It got to the point though where my birth control literally would turn me into this over-reactive creature. I’d snap at the dumbest shite or the smallest annoyance. My patience level really didn’t even exist anymore. And I felt so worn down every day I was on it and some days I’d feel dead inside.

Then last month, my body straight up rejected my birth control. I felt so nauseated an hour after I took it. Despite trying to fight the nausea, I threw up the pill. After recouping, I had imagined this mini version of me inside the control panel of my body pretty much yelling obscenities at me and telling the birth control to feic off.

[This paragraph is for new readers] I had been on birth control for so long because I’m fighting a constant battle with endometriosis (stage 4) which is when cysts/tumors grow within me every month. The menstrual cycle feeds into these cysts/tumors and inflammation increases the most during the cycle and for many women suffering, the range of pain can vary but most of the time it’s horribly, debilitating pain.

When the majority of the health industry says there’s no cure and all they supply are band-aid solutions such as birth control, crazy menopause-like inducing injections and and surgery (or “get pregnant” which for many is already an issue and people don’t like to get told to fk’n get pregnant! Especially if they had been trying for ages and/or is no longer an option or they don’t want children! *exhale* excuse me, had to vent that), you kind of try to go for the least scary thing. I had already been through three surgeries to remove the cysts/tumors that had grown inside me since back then they had grown without anything to really suppress them. I was tired of all that shite and decided the least painful thing to endure was birth control.

After having rejected the pill last month, I let my cycle run its course and it was a very long cycle. It was as if it were making up for lost time. Luckily, this cycle was not so painful. I also did my best to manage my inflammation levels and used organic pads which helped immensely (the old brand of pads I had grown up with sadly contributed to inflammation and other issues because of the shite that were put into them). I also was heavily strict with my food (NOTE: I was not so strict with my food while on birth control since the symptoms were heavily suppressed, so yea, I did eat bad food when I couldn’t afford the good food😅.)

I had researched options and decided to follow a diet chart for IBS sufferers since the symptoms are quite similar to some of the symptoms of endometriosis and both are affected by what is eaten. I copied down all the foods considered low-FODMAP (FODMAP I had then discovered stands for “fermentable oligo-saccharides, di-saccharides, mono-saccharides and polyols.”) My body seemed very happy with this. Between the foods in the list and organic or plant-based meals, my mind and body were functioning happily.

Last week, for two nights in a row, I faltered and got a 4-nugget kids meal at McDs since my husband was craving McDs both times. And oOOooh jeebus, did my body make me suffer. My skin and scalp went nuts with psoriasis flaring and then my insides were inflamed for awhile. That was the slap I needed to go back to strict mode. I’m being strict with needed supplements as well such as vitamin D since it’s been known to help reduce the size of cysts (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4209245/).

It’s hard to stay strict buuuut I need to be until I figure out what to do next. I have to find someone who is knowledgeable in the area about endometriosis and possible options. I’ll be setting up an appointment with my physician to see if she knows anyone and can refer me.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Update to all that surgery bill stuff

It turns out that the surgery center had been sending my statements to the incorrect address — for possibly 2 – 3 years? 😑

It was the oldest of the addresses too. The lady in billing said she saw the new address in one part of the system but saw three addresses in the other part of the system. It showed both my old addresses and my present one. It seems like someone on their end may have flubbed by not making my newest address the primary when I had updated them before I moved out of state. Or maybe their system needs a way to completely update all information when something new is added?

I’m still very confused as to why nothing was forwarded by USPS. I’m not sure when the statements were sent out though which may possibly be part of the reason why. I used USPS forwarding each time I moved and forwarding only lasts one year for each move (I think it can be extended but I’m not sure). So maybe after a year, the surgery center still hadn’t gotten the statements ready? And then when they were finally ready, they sent everything to the oldest address and never bothered to update the address for the statements even after I had updated them on the second address as well as my final/present address???

I’m guessing the lawyer was the only one to check my recent location? Not sure if he saw it in the system or did actual research on me.

Good news, they heard me out and worked with me (and thank heavens, she said no legal action was taken so I can pay it off normally). I’ll be paying it all off in monthly payments. And when I get it low enough to fully pay it off, I will.

One would think all is well now, yes?

I think another thing is looming sadly.

I had called UnitedHealthcare and asked if they could send me the EOB of the year I had my surgery. There was the surgery center’s claim which was what I was expecting but also another claim I hadn’t seen before that was on the page behind it. I do not remember getting a statement for it either. It’s from the assistant surgeon that worked alongside the surgeon who owns the surgery center. I don’t think the assistant works under the surgery center because I don’t see his name showing on their site. After further research, I found it under a sort of medical directory at a different hospital.

I’m not sure how to get a hold of him about all this. I’m going to call the surgery center once again but to see if they know how to contact him about this and what I should do. I’m hoping he’ll understand my situation and that had he sent any statements I never received them because he most likely had them sent to the oldest address like the surgery center had. I’m hoping he’ll allow me to pay it off in installments like the surgery center is doing. Because I know no other way of being able to pay off $6000+ instantly.

I must be cursed by the medical care gods.

Wearily but sincerely,
Jenn

One big fat sigh

Good grief. This whole year.

My brain and emotions are exhausted from it. I’ve been trying very hard to balance my mind despite the emotions. But sometimes…I just can’t. Like I just want to melt away and disappear into another realm of existence where chaos, fear and stress are nonexistent.

I thought not writing in here was a good thing really. It meant I was able to deal with what was going on without pouring my heart out into the endless sea of the world wide web. Buuuut, I keep forgetting how writing it all out helps me from mentally drowning.

I was blessed to receive financial assistance for the outstanding bills that the ER (previous post stuff) had sent me. I’m thankful for that. Extremely thankful. But it seems the medical community isn’t done with me yet. Today (after 3 years), the place that had done my endometriosis laparoscopy/surgery decided out of nowhere to send me a letter claiming I had 10 days to pay an outstanding bill of $5000+. I was shocked because #1 I had contacted them multiple times in 2017 [before I had moved] to check and make sure there were NO MORE BILLS. But now suddenly there had been a bill! The letter claimed that multiple statements had been sent to me but I hadn’t seen one. This was the first letter I had ever seen from them since I had moved.

This afternoon, I had emailed the attorney that works there (and who had sent me this letter) explaining that I had never received any statements. That USPS would’ve sent me the forwarded letters or at least I would’ve seen SOMETHING in their daily emails that show me what is even in the mail for me. I also explained I had called multiple times before I moved to see what left was owed only to be told there was nothing owed. Funny part is, one of the ladies within billing said that I wouldn’t need to worry about them tracking me down for what she had said at the time was $500. How did $500 turn into $5000+?! And sadly enough, they apparently did hunt me down? I just never received anything? until now, I guess…

Another thing I did before moving was I had called one of the office locations and told them my new address. So why didn’t I receive anything until now? I did notice that one of the surgery profiles had the updated address but not the other, so does that mean they had been sending it to an old address and then suddenly realized “Oh hey, here’s another address. Let’s try this.” But it still doesn’t explain why it never showed up within my USPS notifications or forwarded mail.

I try to do everything right… but something always happens to send me into a whirlwind.

*sigh*

In the email, I also told him I no longer have a job that can allow me to pay this amount so suddenly. I asked if there are any payment plans or something I can do. I don’t know if he’ll even read the email. This Monday, I plan on calling both the surgery center and him to get to the root of it all.

Of all the things to get before Christmas, huh?

Sincerely, Jenn

The health system sucks

Oh jeebus, I need to unload again. Just a smidge. Nothing horrendous occurred just anxiety, stressing and frustration overwhelming me.

It was triggered by ANOTHER EOB. And I know it’s not a bill, but what was in one of those explanations was said to be the amount by the hospital themselves so it’s still a possibility this crud is going to be a heavy hit to our finances either way.

It feels like the hospital and health insurance are working together to give me stress though, lol. Seriously, they should just have one whole bill with everything done that day listed on it with one Explanation of Benefits for that whole bill. Instead they broke it into bits that are being sent to me every other week. It’s sending my anxiety into overdrive every time.

Sean said not to worry and we’ll handle it. But, it keeps growing. Over $9000 now. *sigh*

It feels like the things that are supposed to help us in this world aren’t really there to help us. And I know those workers at the hospital need to get paid too. But man, why does it feel like they’re overcharging for everything they did to me. And it wasn’t even a helpful visit. They stuck me multiple times causing my arms bruising which made it difficult to receive the CTScan fluid at first because of the bruising on my right arm; they had to stick me AGAIN on the lesser poked arm just so the fluid could go through without pain. Then after all they had done to test me, they found NOTHING.

They saw nothing. Source of Pain Unknown. They’re charging 1000s for them hurting me multiple times and finding no cause of my original pain in the end. Frack’n hek, it’s ridiculous.

Sorry for bringing this issue up again but during these weird, depressing days, I feel like the whole system is a big fail. And our only purpose is to feed that system until we die whether we agree with everything or not. It’s like we have no choice. And even if we try to bring the changes we need, those in power will always have the upper hand.

I can never truly be happy in this kind of world. And so much revolves around money. It’s like shackles digging into the skin more and more as each day passes.

I want to be free. But in the end, there is no real freedom.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Prepping for the worst

Been searching out last will and living will stuff as of late. Between my health and COVID-19, my focus has been directed at prepping for the worst outcome. Though the prepping has been slow due to me fighting off depression from the news. The news has made me such a bitter, angry and sorrowful person.

I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by everything that’s been going on. Grim thoughts like, “Will things ever change?” and “Will I even be alive to pay back the ER bill we’ll be getting???,” keep revolving in my head. I had went last month to the ER because of a sharp pain that kept pulsating around my abdominal area the entire night. The ER folks didn’t find the source of my pain and our health insurance only covers $400+ of a $9000+ bill… 😑

We received EOBs that showed that after an agreed “discount” amount, we’ll possibly have to pay $5000+…

Fun times.

With this second wave of COVID-19, America is getting hit hard thanks to all the idiots that don’t believe in it and/or haven’t properly followed prevention methods. The state I’m in is getting overrun with the virus and stores around the area have been locking down due to staff testing positive. Turns out that one of the new guys that works at where my husband works had been in close proximity to someone who tested positive.

My husband told the new guy to quarantine for two weeks and get tested immediately. If he tests positive, we’re all screwed. My parents are over 60 and I have the shittiest of immune systems. Though those points don’t matter really since it’s all roulette on whether a body suffers from the virus or not. The person could be young and healthy but if the virus succeeds then—POOF—there goes their health.

I’m very sad right now. So many things I wanted to do in my life and who knows if I’ll even get the chance.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Please

There’s nothing I could really say that hasn’t already been said.

But my thoughts want to flow somewhere and this is one of my outlets for my busy mind.

I know the world needs change. It’s always needed the kind of change that breaks down the blockades of hatred, prejudice and racism. So many have fought for a future where their kin can live safely and they can be themselves; a future they can live happily in.

And for every step forward that those who fought took, there are many who made leaps backwards. The ones who moved backwards, what fed their minds? Ignorance, fear, and/or hate??? All that remains nowadays are grudges and distrust because of the toxic cycles humanity has repeated throughout history.

I suppose ignorance would be something many prefer than the reality. Maybe their world is picture perfect for them and they don’t care about anyone beyond their world. But it isn’t just their world. There are billions of souls on this planet. We live in it together. The action of one can affect many and vice versa. So it can never just be only one soul that matters.

*sigh* Why does it seem so hard to reach a point where minds can understand one another??? Why do there have to be beings that seek to destroy others? control others? suppress others? The purpose of living beings is to live. In the animal world there’s the instinct that instructs all living things to survive. The animal kingdom can be just as vicious as humans about survival.

But we don’t have to follow the directive only one way. All creatures have a choice to support one another when needed. To grow together. To work together for common goals. Heck, even animals like badgers and coyotes work together to live another day. And yet, here are humans…for the umpteenth time…taking away the lives of their own species—for no good reason.

I’m not sure if my points are weirdly worded. I don’t know. It’s how my brain sees things. All I know is that my heart breaks at the suffering so many have endured. I hope things will change. I just want the world to work together for the future. No more greed, hatred, or revenge. Just a future where we all can live our lives to our fullest and those who seek to hurt the innocent get what they deserve.

Sincerely,
Jenn

No rest for me

I’ve lost a lot of sleep the past couple weeks. Between my own overactive brain and dealing with random occurrences like someone hitting my car for the fourth time because they “did not see it” — *sigh* — I’ve been running on fumes. Sadly, now my poor dogs have been added to the mix of stressing and worrying.

First Honey, the youngest, goes through pain from a Lepto vaccine she had received. It was the first time any of my dogs have had a heavy reaction to a vaccine. Lethargy I was used to, but Honey went through many of the side effects. She was shivering for a good 30 minutes after getting home, was very lethargic, not eating and any time we had moved her she’d yelp. We had to move her because she couldn’t walk. She’d try to, would freeze up and then stand in place as if her muscles were too stiff to move.

I did my best to keep her hydrated and she rested the majority of the day. I think the other two knew she was ill because they kept checking in on her and plopping down next to her. Gidget was especially close to her which isn’t usual. Only last month did they start to get close to one another without being bothered by the other.

I was very happy when Honey finally ate food. Originally, I was going to carry her over to the food bowls but she heard the other dogs run for dinner and tried to do the same. She ended up walking slowly the entire way to the kitchen. I felt so bad for her but was glad she was eager to eat. After a good night’s rest, she was back to her normal self. She was still a little bit drowsy but for the most part was herself again.

A few days later Gidget (the eldest) wakes up at 4 AM suddenly needing to go bathroom. She comes back in and starts to act a bit off. This has happened before, last April and in January before that. She’d walk around restlessly, throw up (one to three times), act uncomfortable and be unable to sleep and then her face would swell up. In April it was bad. Her eyes had swollen and her tongue as well. She had to get a steroid shot along with medicine to stop nausea.

This time around her swelling went away before she got to the vet and she only received nausea medicine. Despite this, she has been uncomfortable all day. We had given her benedryl to help but she just can’t seem to rest long. She’ll constantly move as if searching for a comfortable place to rest. I think I’ll have to take her to the vet again if she’s still like this tomorrow. I also feel I won’t be getting much sleep tonight again because she’ll be constantly moving.

I really hope these are just allergic reactions and not an underlying issue with her organs. 😦

Sincerely,
Jenn

I’m stuck.

I’ve been trying to write on this blog because it’s the one place I can unload my thoughts without judgement. But every post so far ends up in drafts. But I really need to post my thoughts as of late or I’ll go mad — even if these thoughts make me look stupid or useless.

I took a year off of working to heal. And I can happily say that my body has completely healed from the damage my stage 4 endometriosis had caused. I can walk again, run again, function again, and pain is at it’s minimal. This is all thanks to that double-edged sword, birth control, which stops the whole period=cyst/tumor cycle from destroying my insides (this info is for the new folks that come across this post.)

SO now that I am healed, that means I have no reason to be staying at home. My mom has been on my case about finding a job since the new year. I’ve been leaning on Sean as I healed and in truth I need to pitch in if we expect to save more at a faster rate. Plus, my mom said I need to work so that more is added to my Social Sec. which I hope will still exist for me to use when I’m her age.

Her newest reason for me getting back out there is that “we didn’t spend all that money on your education to be sitting at home.” Thanks, mom. Filipino mom’s always have to add salt to the wound. And I know exactly what she means; she’s right. Just wish she didn’t sound so grumpy and irritable while saying it.

The working world has been a bumpy one for me since the beginning. I had graduated when the recession had hit so it took awhile to find work. Nobody wanted an inexperienced graphic designer. So for two years, I worked in part time jobs to save money and to gain experience. I ended up with three part time jobs: cashier at GameStop, a cashier/administrative assistant at a car dealership, and a graphic designer at a photography studio. The latter was a non-paid internship but it helped loads with experience.

My mom ended up finding the place I would work full-time at for seven years in the newspaper. This place, though it made me grow a lot, was a very difficult workplace. It tested my sanity daily and the constant instability took its toll on my health. In fact, I was doing great with working my butt off until my body began to literally break down on me from the stress and stage 4 endometriosis. Stress does kill people. It just kills you slowly and gives you frikin health conditions to make your life even more miserable.

I know everyone has had their fair share of toxic/abusive work environments, backwards thinking and poor management. This is what I had to deal with for seven years. And I do not want to enter such a situation again. Life is too short for that kind of abuse. And I know, no situation will be perfect, but the fear of entering something toxic again has put a wall of fear that’s preventing me from moving forward.

I told my mother this in a more condensed way (if I take too long trying to tell her anything she’ll tune me out.) She said it’s no excuse. She said I could work part time (but not in retail which would be a waste.) She said I could work as an administrative assistant or an Instagram influencer like my cousin.

Y’know, that’s what started her pressuring me even more, by the way. She saw my cousin had become an instagram influencer with 10k followers and she was making money. Though she wasn’t aware of the full extent of HOW she was making money. I told her she wore designer outfits and she said “no she doesn’t, she just stands there and someone takes her picture.” -_-

No mom, she wears outfits from brand names or from whatever store she’s advertising, links all the pieces of the outfits to where she got them and rinse repeat. She does this with make-up as well. She gains money from the links that get clicked on her Instagram and blog. And then there’s the whole world of sponsorship that I won’t even bother getting into. My mom responds “whatever you could do the same thing.” Alas, I do not want to waste money purchasing all sorts of crud to advertise and model. I have no fashion sense. I get a few pieces of make up and use it for several years. I am the antithesis of an influencer. I am an introvert and have clothes that I still wear from high school. Hek, I would make Stacy London (from What Not to Wear) cringe.

As for an administrative assistant. I need to research what places around here even need one. Or if they’d even hire me since it’s been a year since I worked and had focused on graphic design for an age. *sigh* I’m just depressed and fearful. I know it’s no excuse and the world won’t wait for me but I can’t help but feel stuck within my mind.

I just hope she gives me another month to find something before making me feel like a failure.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Forgotten Post: My eldest Doggo’s bday

This was actually written back in February! I have no idea why it was still in drafts but for the sake of sharing the sweet moment, I will post it now. Here is my eldest doggo’s birthday photo with her doggo cupcake cookie (this thing was WAY too hard for her to chew though.) She was quite spoiled that day and it almost seemed like she knew it was her day to get extra attention, lol.

Her birthday made me feel giddy to celebrate but anxious because she’s becoming a senior. I don’t want them to age anymore! Also, it occurred to me that I haven’t taken as many photos of her over recent years than I had of her in her younger years. I needed to get more photos of her and the other doggo babies stat!

I found my old digital camera and decided to take a few photos of the doggos on a bright, warm day. I’ll be getting an album to put all the photos I have of them, old and new. Though I’ll have to print out a bunch of their photos from my phone.

Having a phone is like a double edged sword. You can take pictures so easily and they just keep filling the space up. But, I don’t always remember them. I don’t think to look at all of them on the phone. I want to make a sort of scrapbook album of them and put it in my little bookcase next to my bedside table. That way I can admire the photos in a storybook fashion.

If you look closely you’ll see the blur that is the youngest doggo, Honey.

I love you, my little Diva~ Lol she kind of looks stoned in this picture.

Sincerely,
Jenn