It would seem that my mind needs some emptying after a long time of thinking it didn’t. I keep forgetting that writing is one of the things that brings my mind true relief.
I naively believed that with this new chapter of the unknown in my life, I would develop a more carefree mentality; let things go with the flow and stop trying to micromanage. Unfortunately, handling the unknown brings me to the brink of insanity. It brings about an anxiety that knows no bounds, depression, and fear. All those things took that tiny bit of carefree I tried to grow and drop kicked its ass.
I’ve been trying to handle things I knew nothing about before. A lot of this crud are things that every adult has to deal with at some point but I just never knew the details. Unfortunately one of these things are obamacare applications and enrollment.
Why? Because I decided to take a break from full time and go freelance and Sean’s job doesn’t offer healthcare.
The whole process felt daunting to me. It was like walking into a foggy swamp. I couldn’t see where I was heading and I couldn’t even see my own feet. I was just trudging forward hoping for the best. Er, there’s a post where I vented about it…I think? I don’t even know anymore because it’s been so long.
But let’s just say that because of my experience with it, I have come to realize how horrible my anxiety has grown over time. My mind literally breaks whenever anything marketplace related enters the scene. For anyone new to my blog, the first person who worked on our application messed up everything. I had to keep working with marketplace folks to fix what he completely messed up. And even then a couple of the other folks misheard or misunderstood me and also made mistakes. During that process of trying to fix all these mistakes, the anxiety grew and I developed a fear of mistakes.
Hmm, is there a phobia of mistakes??? I guess the closest thing is fear of failure (also called “atychiphobia“). Only thing is that I’m not rendered immobile by failure, I’m turned into an anxiety ball of tears and thorns.
My fear and anxiety muddled me up so bad that I, myself, fek’ed up next year’s application and partially 2018. For the latter, I accidentally reopened our 2018 application when I thought I needed to report a change but didn’t so I accidentally left that dang thing incomplete. So I thought “oh hey, I’ll complete it myself and stupidly say we need no help not realizing that I needed to select the “WE NEED HELP” option which ended up telling them we’ll pay the full $700+/month for the last two months of the year. *sigh* The representative said it was never really submitted correctly so we may not have to worry about it but should a large bill arise, Sean just has to call and have things corrected.
I say Sean, my dear husband, will call because I will no longer handle anything healthcare marketplace related, lol. EVER. He called and fixed our 2019 application, thank the heavens. But, I am STILL trying to shake off this sense of impending doom that more mistakes will be made by me and others to the point that a black hole will randomly appear and it will suck in everything around it until there is nothing.
All that sounds crazy? Yea, it does. But that’s how my mind is working when the anxiety hits. It feels like an invisible weight falls onto chest and I forget how to breath. Then my mind goes into overdrive with visions of the worst sort of things happening. And nothing you do or people say seems to help. You’re just stuck in a car going 100mph and the brakes don’t work. It’s a wretched, wretched thing and I don’t know how others are surviving it.
There was a talk show that asked a woman her secret to such a long life (I can’t remember how old she was but she was old enough to garner attention). She said that she never worried. She wouldn’t let things stress her out. HOW THE HAYSTACK DID SHE DO THAT?! I don’t even remember a time where I was able to fight off worrying or stressing.
I’d literally have to erase my brain in order to not worry or stress because I wouldn’t even know what to worry or stress about. I’d be like a two year old again thinking the best thing to do right now is draw on the wall with a crayon or wonder when Barney the purple dinosaur will show up again on the box of moving pictures with another catchy song.
Note, I am still in need of a vacation. Still haven’t had a real one. We’ll being going to Disney World next year. I am ready.