Stronger

I find it funny how after I had decided to angrily rant about everything taking so fek’n long to happen that things start to happen. The check I was on about last post was finally deposited by USCIS this past Monday. We got a receipt for it and Sean’s removal of conditional residency petition/form yesterday. So now that whole process begins.

As for my sciatica pain, I’ve reached another breaking point in healing. Other than stopping the use of the Glucosamine Chondroitin Turmeric MSM Boswellia supplement (since it had made me bruise as easily as a fruit) I’ve also stopped using Penetrex. The pain has become even more manageable so I felt a nice break was in order from all those medicinal things. Now I’m using coconut oil and massaging it into any aches and pains that arise.

Why coconut oil? My body always seems to react well to it. It healed my face after a horrible bout of psoriasis and it always helps my bruises diminish faster. Let it be known though that I doubt I would’ve felt any relief from any oil when the pain was horribly bad. I’ve been taking ages to heal and I have no idea how long it’ll take to finish healing. But I do feel the changes again.

vegaI’ve swapped the icky tasting Bone Broth Protein Powder (I’ve tried to keep taking that stuff but gahd it tastes bad) and started taking Vega One All-in-One Nutrional Shake. My body wasn’t getting enough of what it needed which was probably why my body and muscles always felt so weak. Sooo 1-2 times a day I have a glass of this sucker. I’m happy to say I feel stronger. I can actually roll off the bed and get up without feeling like my muscles and joints are going to disintegrate. It still takes awhile for me to actually stand up because I’m waiting for my spine to adjust but my muscle and joints do feel way better.

It’s crazy how much my body needs right now in terms of nutrients. I wasn’t keeping up with it previously so I pretty much caused my own relapse in the healing process. See, I was in a restless phase. I was tired of feeling pain and weakness and kept thinking more exercise would help but forgot I needed to eat more carbohydrates, protein and veggies than usual to make up for the increase in exercise and to help repair my muscles. I have to control my patience unless I want to make things worse again. 😦

Sincerely,
Jenn

The Waiting Game

I like to think of Fate as an entity. Something that dabbles in our lives as we walk the many paths we walk. Occasionally I’ll envision Fate as a mischievous imp that is purposefully throwing every thing it can at my face just for sport. *sigh*

As the name of my post suggests, I’m left waiting now for things to happen since I have no power in making anything happen faster. I’ve been waiting to receive a $5000+ bill for my surgery. Waiting for USCIS to finally start on our form I-751 and deposit the fek’n $680 check I sent them. I know they received that fek’n thing. USPS told me so ( ò_ó  ) But I have yet to see that check be deposited. I don’t like having to worry about making sure my account has enough money at all times for the day they finally deposit that check!

81K3VqEvJmL._SY679_I’m waiting for my back to finally overcome this herniated hurdle. It was getting better then drastically became worse. I didn’t realize one of the items in my regimen was the cause until I turned into a withered thing. Now I still stand by in that it helped me but it appears that there should be a time frame of how long one should use it and how many one should take. I had stuck to the suggestion of taking three a day for some time. The item is a supplement titled Glucosamine Chondroitin Turmeric MSM Boswellia.

I believe one of the ingredients was messing with my blood a bit too much. It got to the point where everything in me felt so weak and the slightest bit of pressure anywhere on my body developed a bruise. I’ve stopped taking it and figured whatever it was doing to my blood was also the reason why my muscles never felt like they were recuperating from my exercises and were becoming tighter by the day. If someone could explain that it was something else, I’d be more than happy to hear what it was so I can avoid repeating the issue.

After I stopped taking it and increased certain vitamins, my body isn’t struggling as much. I’m working on building muscle and strengthening them right now so my diet has become rice, chicken, and egg with vitamins here and there. Cutting the sugar intake by a lot now too. I had increased the sugar intake since I’ve been so up and down lately with worries. Couldn’t really help myself… 😦

The last thing I’m waiting for is my vacation. We’re planning on taking one around Fall/Winter time. Feels like it’s forever away. I’m just so tired of this busybody place and where I work. I just want to sit in the sand, feet buried, wind blowing and waves lulling me into a calm sense of security. I need something like that. Something that will naturally put me at ease.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

Resolved

So the scare that was last night has been brought to a close this morning after calling both my surgery center and my health insurance for an explanation of what happened. I still didn’t quite get the full picture when the billing lady at the surgery center was trying to explain. In fact, I accidentally misunderstood her thinking she said the amount they sent to my healthcare was $46-thousand-something-something and not the $82,825.04.

The call to my insurance was much more helpful. The representative there explained everything in detail about the claim they had sent. She also went above and beyond and spoke to the lady I had talked to at the surgery center to see if what they really meant to send was the $46,000. She said I could wait on the other line while all that was going on because I really did need the full story and she was nice enough to help me get that.

But yea, apparently my surgery center did originally bill $82, 825.04 (still shocking to see that amount) to my insurance. Anyone thinking of going to an out-of-network facility for a laparoscopy, be prepared for large sums of money to appear on your bill. And as it said in the letter from last night, my health insurance would only be able to cover $45,650.50. Leaving $37,174.54 to fall on my lap, right?

Well, it seemed the example of $2000-$3000 that my surgeon was telling me about was just that… an example. BUT they did keep to their word and said I wouldn’t get billed a crazy amount. They explained I would get billed the 10% co-insurance amount one would pay if they were in-network. So after all the crazy numerical hubbub, they’re only going to bill me $5052 which in my opinion is muuuuuuuch better than $37,174.54.

But good LAHDIE, they should forewarn their patients of the insane numbers they’d see at first! I get it now…that I’m just supposed to ignore the big numbers and just wait for their actual statement but that damned letter from my insurance’s patient advocacy service filled me with a shock I was not prepared for. My anxiety sent images in my mind of me and my husband living in a makeshift tent in the woods because this laparoscopy (that was actually done right since it was an expert surgeon doing it this time) turned us into paupers.

I’m seriously thankful they’re nice enough to not make me pay what actually is close to my previous yearly income (before I went part-time to tackle all my health problems.) Apparently, that’s not something that’s done often from what the insurance representative mentioned. Thank you, my surgery center, for not making your patients to go into debt.

Sincerely,
Jenn

And Boom Goes My Mind

Things were rolling a long pretty smoothly so I guess Fate wanted to throw some “DA FAHQ!?!” in the mix.

I need to write this out or my brain will implode. Seriously, I wish there were folks who could tell me if they ever dealt with this. *sigh*

I get home today and get a letter in the mail from my healthcare saying they have contracted with a company that helps healthcare payers manage the cost of care. Apparently, my laparoscopy costs $82,825.04…. yea… what?

This, of course, gave me a heart attack. My previous laparoscopies never cost THIS much so how come this one is outrageous???

The shitty part is that I have to wait all night until I can call anyone tomorrow morning about this. I’m going to call the surgery center folks and ask them what in the world is going on with this amount. That I was told that I’d end up paying $3000 not the possible $40,000+ that may occur should this go through without the surgery center correcting anything.

How the hell does an $11,000 procedure turn into $82,000?! It’s not like they installed another uterus in place of my own (is that even possible?)

I cried my eyes out while in panic mode. They’re currently dry and kind of hurt.

Sean did his best to calm me down. He said, “If this is a mistake we’ll handle it in the morning. If this is truly something we will end up owing, maybe we can work with them to pay in installments. It’ll be okay, love.”

I broke down again and apologized for even having this goddamned disease. If I didn’t have it, this wouldn’t even be happening. Again he told me everything will be okay and that I needed this procedure so we’ll do what we have to to make this work.

😦

I feel like the Hulk just grabbed me from the legs, slammed me into the ground a few times like a rag doll, and left me in a crevice to wallow in my own self pity. Why can’t there just be a few months of calm? Why is life constantly throwing shit in my face? I just want peace. I wanted freedom from physical pain, so I went to the best GYN care surgeon, was assured all will be well and now I’m being shown that being temporarily free from pain comes at a huge price???

For fuck’s sake!!

I could’ve adopted two children with that amount!!!

– Jenn

Body Maintenance FTW

Went to the surgery clinic I had gotten my laparoscopy done at to have a belated post op appointment with my surgeon. Though he ended up having to rush to a surgery and assist with some emergency that was occurring in it (hope everything went okay with that!) Instead I met with one of their nurse practitioners who was really nice. She pulled out the last bit of fancy stitching that was still clinging to my belly button and checked all my incisions.

Everything healed up well and I haven’t had any issues with anything she had on the list of things to be worried about. Before leaving I asked if she could ask my surgeon which fertility clinic he mentioned last time and which doctor it was he had recommended to go to there (it had been awhile so I forgot.) She got back to me asap via email and after Sean and I got back home I set up an appointment to go see said recommended doctor on May 25th.

I’m sort of excited I’m finally moving forward in all this. Yea, I know IVF is hit or miss and I’ve complained about it before but really, it’s the only option I’m willing to take right now. The first thing I’ll even bring up though in the appointment is how much is this all going to cost. My surgeon gave me a wee bit of hope saying “Oh, you’re healthcare may actually help a bit with this…” after he saw which one I had.

If this thing costs a chunk and doesn’t work the first go, I’m done. I’ll have to find a birth control that least messes with me and start going on that. Even though I hate using birth control, it may be the only consistent help I can get in managing my endometriosis :\ And that shit likes to grow back quick in me.

NOTE: Anything I share (i.e. pics and links of the stuff I use) with you guys about health and pain relief isn’t meant to be an ad but if it’s something that’s actually helping me, I figured I’d share it for those it could possibly help.

penetrexSoooo, on another note, I started using Penetrex  for my herniated disc/sciatica pain. I had gotten it over a month ago but I wasn’t sure if it was actually working. The pain was so strong at that time I couldn’t really feel the relief so I stopped using it.

Then the whole arduous healing regimen began. When I could finally feel that my herniated disc issue was starting to improve and the need for pain killers wasn’t as intense, I brought Penetrex back into the mix.  It’s become my substitute for Tylenol at this point. Any spot that hurts, I use it on. And last night, there was one area near my left knee that was hurting so I rubbed it on there as well and the next morning I noticed something preeeetty interesting~ 😀

My varicose veins that I usually saw gathered in that area of my leg had diminished. There had always been a cluster there since college and now there’s a ghost of one left. I was like OMGAHD PENETREX YOU ROCK! I’M SORRY I DOUBTED YOU!!! It actually does help with my nerve pain too but it only worked best for me after I started to heal. It’s most effective when I massage it well into all the areas that hurt along my lower left half of my body.

I checked online to see if Penetrex was known for getting rid of varicose veins and found that it helped another user with theirs: https://penetrex.com/pages/penetrex-arthritis-cream-feedback. B6 + Anti-Inflammation = bye bye painful varicose veins. Woot!

Sincerely,
Jenn

The Continuous Climb

It’s not fun moving forward with nothing in view—with no idea what’s ahead. This goes for both my health and life in general. Sean has no plans. Just sees the now. I wish to plan for the future but I’m so exhausted from the present ailments that it’s hard to keep focus.

I understand now why people with chronic pain become irritable and easily angered. The pain wears down on you. Makes it hard to focus and think clearly. I can tell things are very slowly improving—but it’s so slow it’s aggravating. The pain isn’t as often but still always gets worse after sleeping. Even with a new fancy topper the pressure of being on my back causes the area around my herniated disc to inflame and my nerve to go haywire. *sigh*

It’s funny. I traded off relief from my endometriosis with the pain of a herniated disc, lol. Can’t fek’n catch a break. Though I wonder if the two are related. The nerve issues and my endometriosis. Like what if my scoliosis messed with my nerves enough to block signals that were supposed to help regulate the uterus department? *shrugs* Just been wondering lately after studying more about these nerves running along my spine.

Anywho, besides the usual exercises, if you’re wondering what the heck I’m actually using to manage the pain while trying to allow my disc and nerve to heal, here’s a list.

  • Glucosamine Chondroitin Turmeric MSM Boswellia
    81K3VqEvJmL._SY679_
  • Mueller 255 Lumbar Support Back Brace with Removable Pad
    41Kvl+qB8pL
  • Bone Broth Protein Powder
    71h-5-1D0UL._SY679_
  • I will take one or two Tylenol a day if the pain is too bad from a night of sleep. I avoid Excedrin (helps rid pain fast but does weird stuff with my blood which I found out during a menstrual cycle) and ibuprofen (keeps messing with my heart.)

 

The biggest upset really in all this, is that I can’t get enough sleep. My sleep is constantly interrupted by this nerve. Sooo tired all the time. ( =__=) Zzz

Sincerely,
Jenn

Healing Up Slowly

Ahh man… this is a loooong, arduous road I’ve landed on. My uterus is on the mend still which is good. Still have yet to have my post op appointment and haven’t yet looked up any IVF places. I don’t plan to do either now until after we move to the new apartment this coming weekend.

What I have been doing is going to the Chiropractor. It’s been awhile and I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that in a previous post and I’m too tired to actually see if I did or not. My back/nerve pain was worsening especially after being in bed for a good week after the surgery.

I had a hunch that maybe physical therapy wasn’t enough. So I did some research, found a local chiro and made an appointment. They used a scanner that I had never seen before and rolled it along my spine and also took an x-ray. It looked bad. Heck, even the chiro who saw it said it was pretty bad and could tell I was in a lot of pain just by the results.

The two previous doctors I had seen for my spine and nerve pain said that my scoliosis didn’t have much to do with it. It’s an adolescent curve and is located in the upper region of my spine. They had prescribed me physical therapy, exercise, and suggested stem cell treatment.

I finally see the chiropractor and he explains that the whole reason the nerve is being pinched is because all my discs are being pushed by the curvature of my scoliosis. He says I need to decompress my spine and align it. So after a few weeks of doing this, I’m at a point now where I’m able to stand up straight again without horrible amounts of pain.

The problem though is that I’m unable to find relief when it comes to sleep. Our current mattress might as well be a slab of wood. Our old mattress which was like a cloud has move down to my parent’s new home down south. I read that a medium-firm mattress is what I need for my sciatica pain.

I did try all the suggestions my chiro gave me for relieving pain while sleeping but none of them work long. It’s like the pressure induces horrible inflammation and pain. Then I go through the process of walking around hunched until the inflammation calms down through an ice pack.

Sitting does seem to also make me go back to a hunched walk but I’ve been taught exercises that decompress my spine again and I’m back to normal. Lots of maintenance. Lots of battling inflammation. Lots of moments where I’m so tired from everything that I just pass out.

On another note, I found out why my heart was being wonky. I had been taking 600mg of tylenol or ibuprofen when able as my back pain increased. This was a couple months before the surgery. Then the amount went to 800mg while I healed from the surgery. My heart was really struggling at that point since I was taking 800mg each day for over a week.

As soon as I stopped taking ibuprofen and tylenol my heart seemed normal again. It wasn’t struggling anymore or making weird beats. I then was told that it’s pretty bad for the heart to take high amounts of ibuprofen often. So yea.. lol, I may have been unknowingly killing my heart slowly for a bit there. *shivers*

The more you knooow~

Sincerely,
Jenn

Surgeries

I had my third surgery for this Endometriosis shite. The past two surgeries proved to be a waste of time and money after this one. With the past two, my mistake was going to a doctor who was more fertility focused and less surgeon. They were only able to ever drain my cysts and if lucky remove a couple big ones.

The surgeon I went to this past Wednesday specializes in surgery specifically for Endometriosis/Cysts/Fibrosis. He was shocked once he opened me up, “I’d like to start by saying…there was A LOT.” My insides were riddled with endometriosis, cysts and fibrosis. My uterus had become Disease City. He was able to get “most” of it.

Now it’s a race against time. I’m finally giving IVF a chance. Now that my uterus can better take it I have to hurry and see what we can do and afford. If it fails I need to rush to start birth control otherwise the cycle continues. I’ve had three surgeries in the span of 5 years! 2013 then 2016 and now 2017! My heart is beginning to struggle with these surgeries. Ever since the one in 2016 it’s been having these weird moments where it beats weirdly.

I took an EKG test before this third surgery and found out one side seems to beat a bit slower than the other side. I’m going to have to keep an eye on it. But first I deal with my uterus, then off to a Rheumatologist to see if the blood test saying I’m showing some autoimmune whatnot was a false positive or not, and then to a cardiologist to make sure that my heart is okay.

I’ve been dealt a crappy deck of cards in the health department. None of the stress I’ve been through these past several years have helped. I don’t intend to fall victim to stress anymore. I have to fight. For myself. For my hopes.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Juggling Expectations with Alcohol

When it comes to alcohol, I’m bouncing back and forth between the prejudices and expectations of three cultures within my marriage: Filipino, American, and Irish.

The Filipino culture (or at least within my mother’s family), often views alcohol with a wariness. They don’t even drink that much; well the younger generation does but I believe that’s because we grew up in America instead of the Philippines. It’s linked to abuse (mental and/or physical) and disrupts the marriage. The men who my family members had dealt with that were alcoholics had left their toxic marriages. So all in all, if they think a man drinks too much or is out with the fellows too much [and all night], it’s bad news.

In the American culture, well that shit is all over the place I’m not really sure what’s the excepted norm within a marriage. I’ve seen American men (gray and wrinkly even) downing beers at family occasions like it’s water. But the main example I had in the way American husbands drink is my father. He is as wholesome and Americana as one can get. He had his fun young, and at the age of 17 he traveled the world through the military, and didn’t settle down until he was 29.

He had only occasionally or casually drank beer and he didn’t over do it.

He didn’t drink until he was shitfaced and he didn’t come home late into the evening on days he actually hung out with his coworkers. I grew up thinking that’s how it should be.

The Irish culture, drink is the norm. It is their water. They can find ways to let go of smoking but drinking is one thing they can never let go of. As of late it’s mainly the only way Sean, my husband, can chill out. I had made the mistake of thinking he was too carefree. He is in fact the opposite of carefree. So much so he ended up shitfaced too often. And it had gotten to the point where I was suffering bad from it.

You see, he got shitfaced because the worries he was dealing with were too much. He wanted to stop thinking about them. So he wouldn’t stop himself on those tough days when he got overwhelmed and he didn’t know how to deal with his feelings. His consciousness took a vacation while his subconscious took over. So yes, he was able to not “think about it anymore” except his subconscious would still vent his worries to whoever was around and everyone else, me included, would have to deal with it all instead.

He told me to ignore him when he drank way too much. Unfortunately I could not even if I tried. He’d call for me in a frustrated stupor until I responded. I’d become his personal stuffed animal that he’d squeeze too hard or toss about too roughly. He’d spout out cynical or mean things and Reason and Logic never got through to him.

Apparently, through the Irish culture the expectation given by his mother is that he did wrong by not coming home after a night of drinking. His sister also believes he should have come home and that one night out a week of drinking is more than enough.

I talked to Sean. My parents talked to Sean. His parents talked to him. Everyone had something to say. He says it was wrong of him to get shitfaced and he wont do it again. He acknowledged that he had to grow up and mature as a husband. I told him I fear alcohol and his nights out because I don’t want to experience shitfaced Sean anymore. I told him if he does it again I’m done. I don’t want to leave him and I made that clear as well but I can’t take that environment. Especially not with the fucking shit I’ve been dealing with on my end.

Marriage is hard. Marriage between different cultures is very hard. Lol, and I’m tired. I need a vacation.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Herp Derp Life

I’m…

  1. overemotional
  2. too needy
  3. lacking a proper social life
  4. repeatedly getting jealous of my own husband for having a social life
  5. feeling left out and want more time than I can get with my husband
  6. often feeling insecure as of late whenever he hangs out around women (I have a reason for this. It isn’t only because I no longer feel beautiful or intelligent.)
  7. I always try to do things the “right” way and I’m so tired of it

Where has doing things the right way gotten me? A boring, unhealthy life. A life where I overworked myself until my health became shit. A life where I have too many emotions attacking me at once. Feeling too much makes me feel alone because everyone else seems to have their shit in line while I don’t. I can’t keep venting to others about what I’m feeling. Everyone else has enough to deal with. Plus hearing things repeatedly just gets fek’n annoying.

NOTE: My venting became repetitive because I’m an introvert. I was dealing with the same issues over and over again because I was battling my introverted mind. I needed to push past my safe zone just so I can feel ready to face the world and experience a social life again.

But yea, this is the only place I can post my repetitive ranting and blubbering emotions. People barely read it so it’s safe. I can’t keep relying on others to play therapist. I can’t ever expect my husband to get me because he’s on a different page. And he’s so logical my mental shit just sounds like jibberish to him.

Even after I get everything in line in my life, I don’t know if I’ll be rid of this sadness or this feeling that I won’t ever really be able to connect with anyone on a level that makes me happy.

I’m bringing alcohol back into my life. These fekers got to drink their brains off and enjoy life a little while I had to bear with my cloud in the fek’n corner of sobriety and misery. I was told alcohol was bad for my  health condition so I stayed away from it. But avoiding the things I was told to avoid hasn’t changed anything because my health condition continues to get worse. I’m still getting these goddamned cysts. I’m still unable to have my baby. And I’m tired of living in fear of what’s going to happen to me.

Well, another reason I stayed away from alcohol is because I tend to get nauseated real quick just after a few sips. But I’ll condition my stomach again. I’ll finally have my nights where I can just forget about it all and then enjoy those foggy, dehydrated regrets the next morning.

I just need that freedom from myself. To forget and shut my mind up so I can enjoy life more. Plus, it’ll be easier to converse with people while I’m content and tipsy.

Sincerely,
Jenn