Nonsensical Madness

Every now and then there is a time at night, usually at the late hour, when my mind doesn’t work as it should; my emotions don’t work as they should.

I turn into a cranky child who hasn’t had a snack in ages and needs a nap. I know it’s mainly because it’s late and my body has had enough. Logic tells me to sleep already but I stay awake.

I’m balanced until something off-putting happens or some key word is said that triggers a deep seeded worry or fear. Within seconds I blubber and sputter nonsense while my husband tries to calm me down. It’s happened quite a few times now. I really should just go to bed early, lol.

I don’t mean to get that way. I truly don’t. It’s weird when I lose control over my moods or emotions. Even my mind thinks “The hell is wrong with you? Chill, man! Lay down or something…” but the madness continues until Sean or something else calms me down.

Last night it was about death. He mentioned something about death and my mind went reeling. I fear death. I’m not like Conan the Barbarian who has no fear and will conquer all who stand in his path. I fear Sean dying, I fear Buddy and Gidget dying, my friends and our parents/family; I fear dying at child birth, I fear our future-currently-nonexistent child dying, and I fear myself dying [too soon in life].

I’m hoping that somehow in thefuturamaheadjar future they’ll invent some crazy method like in Futurama of surpassing death where we exist with robotic bodies and a head inside a glass jar.

Wait, where was I? Oh yea, what he said. I can’t even remember what he said exactly. I just remember him saying something about dying through a nefarious scheme and him hoping I didn’t ever want him dead. It was some sort of joke and I don’t remember what even brought it up. Maybe it was my already cranky/snippy mood seeping out that influenced the joke.

We had just finished watching an episode from a Korean Drama (Kdrama) about angels living among humans. Should the angel’s identity be discovered by humans before being able to become a human, they’d disappear forever. The rise of events leading to the climax left me anxious especially since it ended on a cliff hanger. So I was already at a shaky state, worrying about the angel being lost forever because of the evil intentions of a bratty, selfish character.

I remember what he said stunning me. I was off in thought and was dragged to the present wondering why he’d joke about something like that. Then I started whimpering and freaking out about death, how I wouldn’t ever want that, and demanded Sean never die. I usually say “You’re not allowed to die!” as if it’s a magical phrase that will turn him invincible and immortal. And he humors me, telling me he’s invincible and that he’ll live forever.

BuddyandmeWhen we finally got to bed, he motioned me to lay down my head on his chest. He began to read one of his fantasy books to me then decided to watch a less dramatic Kdrama series with me instead. It was instant, the sleepiness that was at bay for so long. The loony switch turned off and my body and brain began drifting. I remember Sean trying to lay on his side to get ready to sleep and I clung to him as if my life depended on it, lol. He began to get frustrated saying he wanted to get comfortable so I finally released him and soon passed out with my head leaning against his back and Buddy snoozing, curled around my head. Not sure why, but Buddy really likes sleeping above my head. Sean caught a snap of it a couple times now.

I know I’m weird. I’ve accepted that I get weird. But, I don’t know why I have so many deep seeded anxieties and worries. I can forget about them for ages but the moment my guard is down, I become susceptible to all of them. The uplifting part in all this is that despite my random bouts of insanity, Sean always says he loves me even when I go nuts. 🙂

Sincerely,
Jenn

So, I’ve been writing a book…

I rambled so much about missing the old home that I forgot to mention this project I’ve been working on!

Sooo, Sean and I used multiple methods in our attempts to stay sane during the Fiance Visa process. We blogged, we played co-op online games, we Skyped 24/7, and I started a book. It’s not a biography or anything and it has nothing to do with our journey. Its a fantasy book of an alternate world where we exist with alternate names.

From November 2013 until February 2014* (*accidentally put Feb 2013) I wrote like crazy letting everything flow from my imagination. He is the main character and I’m a side character. I even included his close friends that actually go by their real names or nicknames in the book. I did my best to capture their personalities based on my interactions with them in person and/or through Skype since we often played online video games with his friends.

He loved what I had written so far and that says a lot since he is very picky about what keeps his attention in a story. He and I are both fans of fantasy and he has read practically every magic/fantasy book that exists on Kindle – both good and bad, lol. He thinks I should write books often and even my mom has said I should after reading the stories I wrote back in my teen years. Not sure if I’m ready for the pressure that comes with writing an enjoyable story for more than one person but I’ll try.

SeanandBuddyAnywho, I wanted Sean to truly enjoy the book so I involved him in its development. He judged what I had written and was completely honest with me (even when I got defensive or exasperated at times, lol.) If I wrote something he couldn’t connect to, he would tell me and I would rewrite until it pulled him back into the story. If I had his character or his friends say something they would’ve said differently, I asked him how he/they would’ve actually said it and changed the dialog. I did dumb some bits down since most of their word choices were sometimes a bit crude or would make me wince. 😛

I even have one of his best friends, Marcus, editing it. He edited it back in 2014 after I had written more chapters. He seems to be into it as well but I think he was more eager to get to the parts about his own character so the beginning may have been a bit slow for him, lol.

I told Sean and Marcus that if anything I wrote sounded too similar to something else they read, to tell me. I’m always afraid that since I haven’t read as much as Sean, that I might come up with something someone else already imagined and not know it. I want it to be a unique story for him.

I’m hoping to post it up on Kindle for $1 or $2 when I’m finished. I want to start out at a low price because I’m inexperienced and though I love writing, I have need for a lot of improvement. Also the book community have high standards, lol, and if I make it cost more than 5 bucks and it doesn’t reach their expectations I’ll be bombarded with comments that will make me cry or slump in a corner.

I’m just not sure if I’ll post it up in segments or one big novel. I think it all depends on my courage-level. I might just put out a book one and if people say they want to read more I’ll put up the rest in book two.

My goal is to get book one done by the end of July since that’s around the time I’ll give the rest of what I’ve written to Marcus to read and edit. And then I’ll have Sean read it one last time to give me his input.

cryI’m kinda getting nervous thinking about it. As much as I want to share it with others, I’m afraid of what others will think. I want them to enjoy it like Sean does but I keep envisioning angry readers thinking I wasted their time and their dollar(s)…

Yaaay for insecurities~

Sincerely,
Jenn

Must escape

Our life force is being sucked away each day by the fan and A/C (  ̄д ̄;)

Every fek’n day…dry throat, dry skin, and a weariness that pushes us to keep sleeping. And to top it all off our glum apartment is surrounded by yelling/domestic violence, sirens every 5 minutes, and worn down buildings.

RingoStarrwithThomasWe realize now that we wish more than ever to return to my mom and dad’s home. A home covered in sunshine with a forest and train at its back. Most people are wary of living near trains but I grew up with “Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends”, so I have no qualms. The occasional rumbling is soothing and the train whistle is muffled when in the house.

I don’t completely regret having gotten our own place. I needed space from my mom and she kept making me feel guilty about living with them. She griped about how we kept our room, complained about everything I owned crowding the place, complained about how we shouldn’t have gotten a puppy and how he’s driving her insane, she wasn’t getting enough sleep and everything was stressing her out.

I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted privacy. We moved.

We felt like we had more freedom in what we did at the apartment, but the happy feels were immediately squashed by the aging apartment complex falling apart on its inhabitants.

Hallway ceilings collapse from huge amounts of leaking; appliance after appliance deciding it no longer wished to work correctly; haphazard fixes by maintenance; our own ceiling receiving water damage and near collapsing itself from leaking three floors above us; an alarm system deciding to go faulty and alarming the police of a non-existent break in. I had no idea it sent off an alarm so I wasn’t near my phone to stop the warning in time. The local police sent us a warning that should it happen again, we’d be fined even if it was due to a faulty alarm. The fact we never fixed it was apparently our fault even though we had no idea it suddenly wigged out in the first place.

That is just all a minor affliction though compared to Sean being trapped nearly 24/7 in the apartment. He found an at-home job in desk help services. There is no separation between work and sanctuary since his work place is also in our bedroom, so he never really relaxes. He’s stressed, aching for relief through smoking, and hates his job because the hours are wonky leaving little free time to himself. To his luck, he received a promotion just the other day to only work half the day on the phone and the other half helping his coworkers. But, we still have to wait to move back in with my parents since they’ve been trying to sell the place.

So far, the idea of the train keeps putting buyers off. I understand a lot of people don’t like loud noises but I am so used to that train station that it’s like white noise, lol. If their home doesn’t sell, we get back our old room, Sean can move his workplace into the den, and he’ll have a place on the deck to relax and drink a beer. This time around we’ll be paying $500 rent instead of $200 so I’m hoping for less complaining and more freedom in what we can do.

IMG_2126We visited my parents last night for dinner. Sean was so relaxed for the first time in ages that he fell asleep on the floor during his attempt to retrieve our mischievous pup upstairs. We felt at ease there and had fun gabbing away with my dad. Even my mom joined in. She seems to be better with Buddy too allowing him to cuddle with her while we talked. The desire for smoking didn’t exist there since the place itself brought Sean peace.

I feel like I made a muck of things taking us to a dingy, crowded place. I can only hope that time passes quickly until mid-July when the house will be taken out of the market should no one buy it.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Yay, Friday! … Zzzz

I woke up pretty stoked. It’s Friday and work hasn’t been stressful for once. I bought me some Bambu dessert drinks with my coworker around lunch. It’s the perfect treat to help really settle into the weekend.

Each sip brings me the delicious taste of creamy coconut milk mixed with these sweet crazy-looking, cold jellies. Gaze upon its colorful beauty! Gaze, I say! MWAHAhaHAHAAHhaahaah *choke* *cough*

bambusf_drink

It might not look appetizing to some, lol. But, once you adapt your eyes and taste buds to such drinks, it’s as refreshing as a smoothie. (ᴖ◡ᴖ)

Heh, and then I messed up by eating a donut…

I couldn’t help it. I had been worn down from the work week and was kind of on edge about my fertility. I needed sweets! Plus, every Friday is bagel and donut day at work. The cursed, circular poofiness lay there staring at me with a layer of chocolate topped with colorful sprinkles. It was one of the last ones too.

The first few bites were fine but as I continued…my tummy made it known that it was not happy with my decision. First I startled it with greasy, dilapidated pupusas the day before and now I bombard it with sugary madness that was most likely made with bleached flour and all the other things that cause internal irritation to those suffering from Endometriosis.

I guess in my haste to enjoy Friday, I overloaded on the sugar and now am paying for it with a lingering nausea and need to sleep.

C’est la vie~

Sincerely,
Jenn

Wuuuaaaahh?!

Last Night…

Okie dokie, lemmie just check my fertility here~music-note-5

Kaaay, gotta wait five minutes while holding this monitor test stick upside down…

*taps finger on counter*

Guess I’ll go make some tea. Oh jeez, this is difficult to do while holding this.

Five_Minutes_Later

Okay, I’ll just hold it like this while trying to twist ooopeeeen the vaaaanilla bott…

*happy face shows up on screen while turning the test stick*

WHAT?! I’m at my peak already?!

throw-papers

First off, I add the no alcohol Trader Joe’s “Pure Vanilla Flavor” into my chai tea since the organic chai tea packets I buy don’t have any vanilla in them; I really like that combo. Also, I was too paranoid to put the stick down while making tea so I had a death-grip on that sucker.

Second, the height of my ovulation decided to jump the gun and forgot to send me the memo. I mean, I knew it was close but…noooowww? Last time it took forever to reach peak fertility and now it’s like BAM! I feel like round two is going to botch since I’m not sure how long I’ve been at my peak. The box says peak lasts for a couple days and tapers off into low fertility.

There was no hokie pokie last night either. Sean was glued playing League of Legends (he played too long and got a headache afterwards) and I played catch up with my shows while making sure the pup wasn’t gnawing another LAN cable. We already had to buy new ones to replace the two he’s destroyed. To avoid another “this is revenge for not throwing my squeaky toy” cable attack, I constructed a path of adhesive cable clamps on the wall to hold the cable away from his relentless, toothy pincer.

RHHHAAAA!!! *shakes box* I should’ve tested earlier! I’ll have to test again tonight to see if we still have more peak chances. Seriously though, this body doesn’t seem to work like clockwork. I literally sat down, marked the start and end of my monthly and counted the days after based off of the previous time frame of my ovulation so I knew when to start testing how fertile I am.

But now my uterus is all like “PSH! Guuuurl, I do what I waaaant.”

( ಠ _ಠ) I need ice cream…

Sincerely,
Jenn

Rinse, Repeat

My ovulation is just around the riiiverrrbeeeeeeeend~music-note-5

Pocahontas-and-Meeko

I’ve been prepping me innards with smoothies, healthy eats, and the occasional “I NEED FOOD NOW, let’s go to Five Guys next door!”  Heh…yea, it’s horrible but some days I just can’t be asked to cook.

By the way, I haven’t been under any medications of any sort during these “let’s get preggers!” attempts. I read about Clomid after seeing the success of it on another blog I follow and it was even recommended by a cousin, but the thing is I don’t have fertility problems. Not yet anyways; that’ll only be an issue should a cyst decide to off one of my ovaries like it almost did the first time.

My problem is…crazy terrain. My hubbie’s troops aren’t traversing the usual terrain found within lady parts. They have to work around cysts and scarring. So the best I can do to help, I guess, would be to get that procedure where they scrape the walls to make a clearer path.

Eh well, my other option as prescribed by the local gynos, is to use Lupron for 6 months, endure madness/possible bone and hair loss, and then pray that I actually get an 80% chance afterwards. NOPE. I ain’t going near that demonic serum again. I figured my best bet for now is to keep trying naturally like my older cousin did [who had Endometriosis] since it worked for her.

Though I really have been a bit off lately. I was sick yesterday with a cough. This annoying cough has calmed since I sweat off the toxins in a deep slumber. It sucks because I ended up having to use my Paid Time Off (PTO) which I wanted to save for when Sean’s parents visit from Ireland. Note: I only have 10 hours PTO now and I wanted to take a week and a half off to see them…  *le sigh* first world problems.

My throat is still a bit sore but I’ve been drinking Zarbee’s Natural Daytime Drink. This stuff is a bit too tart for my liking but if it’s infused with the amount of vitamins it says its infused with, I should be boosting my immune system pretty damn well.

Plain PupusasBesides the smoothies and boiled/baked chicken recipes, I’ve been having a college student diet because of bills from this month. And currently, I made the awful choice of waiting until 3 to eat lunch and ordering pupusas for old times sake.

Well, I thought I was ordering pupusas. The image to the left is what they should’ve looked like. Instead of getting those nicely-fried, meaty discs, I received a mutated pupusa salad. I guess it’s my own fault for showing up 20 minutes before the cafe closing.

I took a few bites and this barf-tastic wave came over me. I managed to keep myself from actually losing my late lunch but I was pretty nauseated for awhile. I was reminded why I gave up the things in the first place.

I’m going to spare you the image of the monstrosity because even looking at it makes me sick. I did manage to eat a couple more bites to satiate the pang of hunger and the nausea went away after sips from my mango drink. The rest of the mutated pupusa salad is currently deteriorating in the trash can behind me. 🙂

I should definitely make a big smoothie tonight to detox from that food blunder. I’ll also begin the fertility testing tonight. Let round two begin!

Sincerely,
Jenn

Places to call our homes…

Long before Sean came into my life I dreamed of the warm sun, a salty breeze, and waves brushing over velvety sands. I wanted to live by the ocean somewhere down south where life ran a bit slower.

This image sums up my dream beach home:
Dream HomeCredit: neckerisland.virgin.com

Realistically, that beach dream home won’t happen, but I’ll still be living near the beach and that’s good enough for me.

I’ve spent the majority of my life surrounded by cars, stressed out people, run down areas, constant construction, and the occasional city smog. Don’t get me wrong, the lush parks and forests are always a treat to see from Spring to Autumn but they aren’t enough to keep me rooted to this place forever.

So, now two parallel paths are before me. I will attain my desired beach life down south of America as well as build towards a home – in Ireland.

“Whoa, Ireland? Why there?”

I see the wistfulness in Sean’s eyes whenever his home in the countryside of Ireland is mentioned. The homesickness keeps growing as his dislike for the American way of city life simmers in his mind. The pace of life here is too fast for him and can be a bit convoluted at times. The moment I mentioned that we should save up to build a little home by his parents, an excitement grew in him.

He talked to his parents this morning and they gave the okay for a little cottage to be built in a corner of their property. They have a decent amount of land so it won’t be too odd looking. Our house would probably look like a fancy shed to any passersby, lol, because when I say little, this feker is seriously small (they already make fun of the tiny home movement here in America where the popular mentality of “bigger is better” reigns.) Here’s a view of the plans that will be used once we get the money saved up to buy them and move forward in the building:

cottage

cottageplans

washing-clothesI’m in love with the covered porch. I can imagine sitting there while reading and sipping Chai tea as the dogs lounge. Sean chose this plan to another one I had sent which had two floors. He liked the idea of everything being on one floor more even if it meant losing the options of space for a washer and a second half bathroom; this plan has a lot more space for the bedroom and living room so I could see why he liked it better. I’ll just wash the clothes in a basin, lol, go back to the olden days and hang them up on a line in hopes that it won’t be a rainy day…

I want all the floors to be wood because dealing with carpet is annoying, lol. I also want to make sure the kitchen isn’t closed off. So we’d erase the wall and have it flow into the living room. The place is compact enough as it is, lol, I don’t need them to make the kitchen even more compact. I also feel like the door to the bathroom should be a sliding door; I imagined myself on the toilet and the door smacking into my toes as Sean waltzes in for a shower.

“Why only one bedroom? Thought you wanted a kid?
Where would they sleep when they get older?”

Well I was thinking, (should we be blessed to have a kid) I see no issue with the child being in our room even after they’re past the age of needing to be in the same room. They’d have their crib as an infant and toddler but then could get a cushioned mat or we could have an elongated mattress to share when they reach 4 or 5 years. In Japanese culture many families co-sleep within a room with their own pillows, cushioned mats and blankets; they’re used to living in compact conditions:

cosleepingCredit: http://www.anepiceducation.com/japanese-western-parenting/

Also in South Korea, I’ve seen parents sharing their bedroom with their little ones especially when stuck in a one bedroom apartment. When our child gets older and demands space, they could sleep on a sofa bed within the living room. And when they get even older, like into those oh-so-wonderful teen years, we’ll talk to Sean’s parents and see if they’d be fine with allowing them to bunk in Sean’s old room.

For the first few years of this tiny garden cottage’s life, we won’t be able to stay permanently. There will be times I have to go back to America ESPECIALLY when my parents start to get much, much older. I’m their only daughter so when it comes time to take care of them, I have to be there.

We don’t plan on doing the move process until after we have our child in America. If we wait ’til after I have a child, our little one can easily have dual citizenship and have the choice of deciding to stay in Ireland (plus anywhere in Europe really) or in America without any problems. So, yea. Two worlds, two ways of living. One tropical and one very close to nature. I think my dreams of a relaxing life will happen sooner than I thought, lol.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Dinner and a Baby

Sean and I finally left our little cave last night for something other than grocery shopping. We’re a bit anti-social at times. We do our best not to get stressed by what we can’t control in life but our jobs still wear us down to the point where we just don’t want to go out often; plus, the area we live in sucks. But this time, despite being tired as heck I was excited to get out and see my cousin, Andrew, his wife, Ally, and their kids.

Sean kept mentioning there was nothing in common to talk about. I seldom spend time with cousins and their family on their own. It’s usually in a big family setting where you could get overwhelmed and drowned out. I felt like the idea of not finding a common conversational ground didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to see my cousins, have dinner, and talk to them. We brought Buddy along for some needed socializing as well. He wanted so badly to meet their cats but alas the cats didn’t like him very much, lol. So for the majority of the night he cried wanting to get closer to them.

There were moments though Buddy got distracted from the cats. He’d chase and jump playfully on their 5 year old daughter who at one point exclaimed “It felt like a marshmallow just jumped on me!” and he was very intrigued with their baby, Baby E (this is my awkward attempt at protecting their identities, lol.) He’d extend his head out as far as he could to sniff Baby E’s feet and steal a lick of his hand causing the little one to make a quizzical expression and squirm at the odd sensation. Made me feel at ease that despite how rowdy Buddy usually gets he’ll be cautious and gentle around a baby.

There came a time in the night where they offered to let me hold Baby E. I was excited about this but at the same time…scared half to death. My mind was wrapped around the fact that babies are so delicate. When they placed Baby E into my arms, I panicked. I forgot how to hold babies all of a sudden and after a few seconds I remembered “His head! Support his head, you dope!”

I tilted him upwards and tried better to support his little head but it was too late. I left him uncomfortable for too long and he knew right away that he was no longer in his mother’s arms. He began to squirm and let out little short-burst cries. I was a bit heartbroken because I caused him distress. Quickly, I placed him back into his mother’s arms before he got too frustrated.

After more conversing, the topic of having Sean hold Baby E came up. I saw Sean’s eyes widen.

He shook his head while saying “I’ve never held a baby before…”
“Well, now you can…” Ally and Andrew said with cheerful smiles on their faces.

SeanandBaby

Baby E floated about like a leaf as he was passed from Ally to Andrew and finally to Sean. Sean was about to sit back down but froze in place, too afraid to move now that Baby E was in his arms. I teased Sean and told him to relax and sit down (which I knew I had no place to say since I, myself, was scared earlier, lol.) He sat there for a good long while, staring at Baby E thinking how gorgeous he was. He made mention of this multiple times too after he returned Baby E to his parents (you can’t see it but Baby E has gray-blue eyes that you can get lost in.)

Baby E didn’t cry in Sean’s arms. I wondered if I was emitting an aura earlier that he didn’t feel comfortable with. Baby E only started squirming and short-burst crying after Sean continued to tense while holding him. Though Sean also thinks that Baby E finally realized he wasn’t his dad after catching a glimpse of who was actually holding him.

The night was drawing to a close but a half hour before we left, they suggested I try to hold Baby E again. I got nervous; I didn’t want to make him cry again. I rushed to the couch thinking maybe I’d relax while holding him on there. Immediately after Andrew handed me Baby E, his face shown discomfort. I tried to hold him more comfortably and Andrew placed a pacifier into his mouth which calmed him for a minute or two. I also bounced him in my arms when he started to look discontent again which helped for another minute. But, soon nothing I’d do could appease him so back into his mother’s arms he went and he quickly calmed down.

They said it wasn’t my fault and that he was just tired and cranky. I knew he was and I knew it was because he wanted his mom. But, that feeling of not being able to console him stuck with me. I began to dwell on whether or not I’d be able to console my own child. Would my own child want me as much as Baby E wanted his mommy?

I also wondered if karma would bite my bum and I’d give birth to a child with colic. I was a baby with colic and I drove my mom nuts. She told me that there were times where she just left me cry it out in the crib. It’s pointless though to think about all this, I guess. I have no idea when and if I’ll ever get pregnant…

Sincerely,
Jenn

Getting to knoooow yoouuu~

Small talk…

I can get by with small talk.

“Hi, nice to know you’re still alive, k’ bye.”

(By the way, if you’re bored go ahead and keep reading, lol. But, if you’re in a rush or have a short attention span, the following will not interest you at all because it is a looong rant)

We’re all busy people; maybe too busy. And we get so easily distracted. I can’t connect to others deeply because of this “Hi, bye” world. I’m no different though because I end up rushing conversations too out of habit. My beloved husband, Sean, lives in a slower-paced world I want to venture more into. It’s a world where he’ll give the time to properly talk to a person. Heck he’ll talk to a random person (like the cashier, store clerk, etc.) giving more than the “Hi, bye” and inquiring about their day and so forth.

Is it an American mindset to rush or push away? Or perhaps it’s only a city mindset? It probably didn’t help that I was left hanging multiple times whenever I tried to bond with people. Take my mom for example…

*cue wavy transition* Flash back to a teenage me sitting at the breakfast table with my mom as she eats her mango and rice dish. I’m sharing whatever it was that I felt was important at the time to share with her.

She’s not giving me any eye contact. Is she even listening? My tweeny brain reels.

She interrupts, talking like I wasn’t talking in the first place, and goes on about what’s on her priority list. What I was saying wasn’t interesting; it had no purpose therefore it didn’t need to continue. I accepted that this is how my mom is: a no nonsense woman, lol. Either you talk to her about what she’s concerned with or go do something productive. I love you, mom! It’s a lot better nowadays. She and I have a lot more to relate to.

momandme

Buuut, having to deal with that kind of reaction from others often wears me out. It turns me into this anti-social person that doesn’t want to deal with uncomfortable social blunders.

What exactly have others done?

Mid-rambling, their heads turn to where they want to really be and walk off or work on something nearby without any explanation. Like a silent “I have spoken, all depart!” motion. I’ve also received a few “Heh, heh, yeaaa…” responses soon followed by an awkward silence and then they walk off or remain silent until I leave or someone else appears.

I get left thinking “… that was it? No admitting we have no idea what else to talk about because we never cared to get to know each other more deeply?” Maybe that’s what I should start doing – being blunt in those situations.

I’m fine with the truth. It doesn’t have to only be Sean, my besties, my designer compadres, supervisors, or my mom who can talk to me in a straightforward manner. Friends can be blunt, Family, coworkers, acquaintances, even strangers – I will live after you’ve said what you have said and no grudges will form.

I know I don’t talk unless spoken to (bad habit of mine) but I’ll talk to you if you legit wish to/want to talk to me. Deep conversations, random ones, bring it on. But don’t talk to me just to be polite when you most likely don’t want to talk to me. And for pete’s sake just tell me you’re done talking to me and you feel like talking to someone else. I won’t frown or stare aghast. I’ll just respond, “Oh, ok. Luv ya! I’ll be over here inhaling the desserts!” and I can move on instead of standing or sitting there like a moron as my voice disappears into a void while you walk off.

tiredSad part is they won’t remember they did any of this. It’s such an instinctive thing for them to do when so many people are there and so much is going on. But, I think from now on I’ll be a bit blunter. Maybe it’ll change the pace of things. They’ll ask new and different questions and I’ll give more interesting answers. They always ask me the same thing every time they see me so I end up giving the same, boring answers. I should just respond with something insane from now on. I keep forgetting I can change the pace myself, lol.

Ah, it feels good to have vent about all that… whoa… now, I got that song from King and I stuck in my head:

“Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about youuuu~
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like meee…”

Sincerely,
Jenn

That Red Dot

All the cramping, pain, nausea…it was from my monthly. I knew it, Sean knew it. I just had the drop of hope that maybe it was something more since the aftereffects of the trying seemed different than the previous. I sat there, tears running down as Logic said “I told you so.” Then I literally shook off the gloom and told myself this is just the start. Get over this and keep trying.

The odd part though is that this is the most painful monthly I’ve had in a long while. Not as painful as the first one I had after the surgery but it’s pretty bad. Something set my Endometriosis flaring and I’m not sure what it was. I can only cut things out of my diet that I think contributed. It’s hard being strict with a diet when most of what I need to eat are things I have no appetite for. Though it might be a vitamin deficiency since I forgot several times to keep taking my multi-vitamins.

By the way, whoever thought to create a site (http://www.endo-resolved.com/pregnancy_success.html) with success stories written by women who’ve been through the same Endometriosis problems while trying to conceive was a genius. If they made it through it, so can I.

Sincerely,
Jenn