Every now and then there is a time at night, usually at the late hour, when my mind doesn’t work as it should; my emotions don’t work as they should.
I turn into a cranky child who hasn’t had a snack in ages and needs a nap. I know it’s mainly because it’s late and my body has had enough. Logic tells me to sleep already but I stay awake.
I’m balanced until something off-putting happens or some key word is said that triggers a deep seeded worry or fear. Within seconds I blubber and sputter nonsense while my husband tries to calm me down. It’s happened quite a few times now. I really should just go to bed early, lol.
I don’t mean to get that way. I truly don’t. It’s weird when I lose control over my moods or emotions. Even my mind thinks “The hell is wrong with you? Chill, man! Lay down or something…” but the madness continues until Sean or something else calms me down.
Last night it was about death. He mentioned something about death and my mind went reeling. I fear death. I’m not like Conan the Barbarian who has no fear and will conquer all who stand in his path. I fear Sean dying, I fear Buddy and Gidget dying, my friends and our parents/family; I fear dying at child birth, I fear our future-currently-nonexistent child dying, and I fear myself dying [too soon in life].
I’m hoping that somehow in the future they’ll invent some crazy method like in Futurama of surpassing death where we exist with robotic bodies and a head inside a glass jar.
Wait, where was I? Oh yea, what he said. I can’t even remember what he said exactly. I just remember him saying something about dying through a nefarious scheme and him hoping I didn’t ever want him dead. It was some sort of joke and I don’t remember what even brought it up. Maybe it was my already cranky/snippy mood seeping out that influenced the joke.
We had just finished watching an episode from a Korean Drama (Kdrama) about angels living among humans. Should the angel’s identity be discovered by humans before being able to become a human, they’d disappear forever. The rise of events leading to the climax left me anxious especially since it ended on a cliff hanger. So I was already at a shaky state, worrying about the angel being lost forever because of the evil intentions of a bratty, selfish character.
I remember what he said stunning me. I was off in thought and was dragged to the present wondering why he’d joke about something like that. Then I started whimpering and freaking out about death, how I wouldn’t ever want that, and demanded Sean never die. I usually say “You’re not allowed to die!” as if it’s a magical phrase that will turn him invincible and immortal. And he humors me, telling me he’s invincible and that he’ll live forever.
When we finally got to bed, he motioned me to lay down my head on his chest. He began to read one of his fantasy books to me then decided to watch a less dramatic Kdrama series with me instead. It was instant, the sleepiness that was at bay for so long. The loony switch turned off and my body and brain began drifting. I remember Sean trying to lay on his side to get ready to sleep and I clung to him as if my life depended on it, lol. He began to get frustrated saying he wanted to get comfortable so I finally released him and soon passed out with my head leaning against his back and Buddy snoozing, curled around my head. Not sure why, but Buddy really likes sleeping above my head. Sean caught a snap of it a couple times now.
I know I’m weird. I’ve accepted that I get weird. But, I don’t know why I have so many deep seeded anxieties and worries. I can forget about them for ages but the moment my guard is down, I become susceptible to all of them. The uplifting part in all this is that despite my random bouts of insanity, Sean always says he loves me even when I go nuts. 🙂