IVF and adoption. Will I end up having to go these routes?
Should trying naturally fail because my uterus is just too scarred and covered by the Endometriosis, we can try IVF. Should IVF fail, we can try adoption. I keep repeating these options to myself in some odd attempt to comfort.
Both options are costly. Even giving birth naturally is costly but there’s health insurance to lighten the strain. It seems wrong for me to focus on money right after thinking about a baby. But, I don’t want to be struggling when a child is brought into our lives; I want us to be able to provide for our family.
As a child, I saw countless stressing and fighting from my parents when they struggled with and worried about money. They worked 6-7 days each week in my early years. Even then I knew they had to work hard to make ends meet.
How could I know at such a young age?
I think I was three or four (definitely pre-school because I remember wearing my polka-doted Snoopy shirt and I only wore that in the years of day care and kindergarten) and my Grandma called from the Philippines. She spoke to my mom for a little bit and when I ran up, my mom gave me the phone to say hi. We said our I love yous and she asked when we would come to see her. I always sought permission for anything back then so I looked up to my mom and asked when we could go visit. She told me that we were too poor to fly to the Philippines right now.
We’re blunt creatures as children. My mom probably didn’t think I’d repeat what she said but immediately after her response I told dear Grandma, “We can’t see you, Gram’ma, we’re too poor.” She exclaimed “What?!…” I couldn’t understand the rest of what she said since she was frantically speaking in Pampangan and Tagalog. I handed the phone to my mom and said “Gram’ma wants to talk to you…” I remember my mom laughing and shaking her head at the random loud and worried cries of her mother.
When it comes to jobs and money all I want is balance, security and consistency. We don’t need to strike it rich and I don’t expect either of us to get high paying jobs. We both want to be content and live simply. Buuuut, we’d still need LOTS of money to bring a child in our life.
I figure I’ll just work my ass off and save so that if trying naturally fails, we’ll have the money to put into IVF or adoption. I looked up places to adopt both within the U.S. and outside it. I wanted to get familiar with the processes and costs. I even looked into foster care.
Though I don’t know if I can venture into foster territory. In fact, I still feel nervous about adoption. I have nothing against either. I have a fear of bringing a child up that may one day say, “You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my real mother!” … yea, it’s a bit of a random fear but it’s there. Even envisioning a child yelling that at me makes my chest hurt and eyes water.
Kids are tiny balls of emotions and it takes years to master all the crazy emotions that come at us all. So I fully understand there will be outbursts that will hurt me whether the child is of my blood or not. But that one outburst…it scares me more than anything; to have a child that doesn’t want me as a mother or see me as one… I’d just break down…
I don’t understand why it feels like it’s the hardest thing in the world to have a child. It feels impossible to me right now. All of it does; not just trying to get pregnant but also adoption. Each path has countless hurdles and I have no idea what will happen and I hate not knowing.