Hazy paths for bringing a life into our lives…

IVF and adoption. Will I end up having to go these routes?

Should trying naturally fail because my uterus is just too scarred and covered by the Endometriosis, we can try IVF. Should IVF fail, we can try adoption. I keep repeating these options to myself in some odd attempt to comfort.

Both options are costly. Even giving birth naturally is costly but there’s health insurance to lighten the strain. It seems wrong for me to focus on money right after thinking about a baby. But, I don’t want to be struggling when a child is brought into our lives; I want us to be able to provide for our family.

As a child, I saw countless stressing and fighting from my parents when they struggled with and worried about money. They worked 6-7 days each week in my early years. Even then I knew they had to work hard to make ends meet.

How could I know at such a young age?

I think I was three or four (definitely pre-school because I remember wearing my polka-doted Snoopy shirt and I only wore that in the years of day care and kindergarten) and my Grandma called from the Philippines. She spoke to my mom for a little bit and when I ran up, my mom gave me the phone to say hi. We said our I love yous and she asked when we would come to see her. I always sought permission for anything back then so I looked up to my mom and asked when we could go visit. She told me that we were too poor to fly to the Philippines right now.

We’re blunt creatures as children. My mom probably didn’t think I’d repeat what she said but immediately after her response I told dear Grandma, “We can’t see you, Gram’ma, we’re too poor.” She exclaimed “What?!…” I couldn’t understand the rest of what she said since she was frantically speaking in Pampangan and Tagalog. I handed the phone to my mom and said “Gram’ma wants to talk to you…” I remember my mom laughing and shaking her head at the random loud and worried cries of her mother.

When it comes to jobs and money all I want is balance, security and consistency. We don’t need to strike it rich and I don’t expect either of us to get high paying jobs. We both want to be content and live simply. Buuuut, we’d still need LOTS of money to bring a child in our life.

I figure I’ll just work my ass off and save so that if trying naturally fails, we’ll have the money to put into IVF or adoption. I looked up places to adopt both within the U.S. and outside it. I wanted to get familiar with the processes and costs. I even looked into foster care.

Though I don’t know if I can venture into foster territory. In fact, I still feel nervous about adoption. I have nothing against either. I have a fear of bringing a child up that may one day say, “You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my real mother!” … yea, it’s a bit of a random fear but it’s there. Even envisioning a child yelling that at me makes my chest hurt and eyes water.

Kids are tiny balls of emotions and it takes years to master all the crazy emotions that come at us all. So I fully understand there will be outbursts that will hurt me whether the child is of my blood or not. But that one outburst…it scares me more than anything; to have a child that doesn’t want me as a mother or see me as one… I’d just break down…

I don’t understand why it feels like it’s the hardest thing in the world to have a child. It feels impossible to me right now. All of it does; not just trying to get pregnant but also adoption. Each path has countless hurdles and I have no idea what will happen and I hate not knowing.

Sincerely,
Jenn

I wish my body was invincible…

Due to having to respond to an invitation sent to me via Facebook, I had ventured back into the busybody NewsFeed that often used to make me forget what I even got onto Facebook for. I wished they hadn’t used Facebook for RSVP-ing to the event…

Babies. Everywhere. Just conceived, just been born, just did their first this and started their first that. More than ever before, they filled up my NewsFeed.

My cousin had her laparoscopy/hysteroscopy procedure done a couple weeks ago. She was in a lot of pain and I told her as much as I could about what I did to overcome that pain. I remember the pain being so unbearable at times I’d pass out then wake up and throw up; it was an endless, horrid cycle for the first week.

She seems to be well now though. I had seen her on the NewsFeed with the family dog and she was smiling. While texting her a bit after her procedure, she had mentioned Clomid. I wondered if she was going to take it once she heals up fully.

I wondered if I should just get Clomid as well. Each month, each “aunt flow” as they put it…brings more pain. I can almost imagine new cysts forming and causing the pain. The pain doesn’t go away anymore. It’s still there even after my monthly is over. Throughout the day it’s this constant pressure and pinching.

I keep feeling I’m messing things up more by not taking something that’ll delay the cysts. It’s the most difficult thing in the world to eat right as of late because all energy seems to be sapping out of me before the day even ends. Everything feels weak. I even have moments where I get crazy dizzy and have to stand still for a bit.

I’m afraid to use anything that messes with the body especially after trying Lupron. I was reading up on the uses, dosages, and side effects of Clomid: “Using Clomid for longer than 3 treatment cycles may increase your risk of developing an ovarian tumor. Ask your doctor about your specific risk.”

…specific risk…

I know there are risks everywhere in life. But, the risks of ruining my uterus further scare me. The pain that comes with that ruination scares me. And the worst part is, no matter what I do or don’t do, it’ll keep getting worse. I HATE it. I’m crying right now because I feel so helpless.

I’m so unsure about what step to take. It’s like I’m racing against time. Racing against the unseen forces screwing up my insides. Maybe if I was born on an island, far from civilization, far from chemicals, the mental toxicity…my body would’ve had a better chance. I could’ve been free from the horrible pains every month, free from the possible tumors that can form, free from the worry of being unable to conceive.

Had I known when I was younger…knew more…took the time to know more…

I would’ve lived so differently, eaten differently, and stayed away from products that messed with my estrogen levels. I never knew endometriosis existed. I never knew about the signs. I hate myself for never knowing and I hate the system for never pushing it out more for everyone to know when I was younger.

That Bigger Wedding…

It looms in the distance while my money hides behind a digital vault. Romantically, I see it as the day my husband and I get to share our happiness and joy with our family and friends in person. Realistically, I see it as the day I will spend half my savings…

We had a civil marriage after the government accepted the Fiance Visa petition and sent Sean the visa. It took place in my family home’s family room. The only people present were the officiator, my parents, Sean, and me while Sean’s parents and siblings watched from our two propped up iPads via Skype. No grandeur, just plain and simple.

civilmarriage

I’m overwhelmed with what faces me for this next event. It began as a simple “I want to share the moment with those I love!” to “holy sh*t, how am I going to make this happen?” There’s no going back; the family and friends were told it’s happening. It’s already got pushed off by a year. Plus, I already got the wedding dress: $1300 off-the-rack. I had the boutique make alterations raising the expense a little over $2000…

…so this is happening one way or another, lol.

It’s a unique dress. Even the boutique designers were taken aback by what I wanted – a complete redesign. But this got them excited too. A real challenge is always fun to any sort of designer.

[Edit 8/12/15] The color of the gown isn’t the usual white or ivory. It’s a light tan with hints of a hue I can’t identify. My bestie and I took out the gown and found out its a lot whiter than we had originally believed it to be. We were testing to see if the coral dress she owned worked well beside my gown. The boutique I got it from has a bit of a tint to their lights so we kept remembering a tan look, lol. And the last I ever saw it was when I picked it up from there.

Anywho, the off-the-rack ballroom-like dress I bought was heavy and made for the Fall. I requested the following changes:

  • high-low skirt (the high being up to my knees)
  • adjustable corset top (in case of weight fluctuation)
  • train only dragging a smidgen past the heels (made it much lighter and easier to move around)

The following images are what I gave them to inspire the new design. I wanted the skirt to flow downward like the dress on the left while the already bunched up fabric could be fashioned like the dress on the right:

weddingdress_inspirations

It became my perfect beach dress~

What I dreamed of for the original ceremony and reception cost too much; I gave it up. But I had decided ages ago that I wanted to be near a beach for the wedding no matter what and I wanted a nautical theme to go with it. Why? Because that big ass pond that was between me and Sean is what we had to constantly cross to be together. And heck, I love the beach!

I’m making everything I can myself (my bestie/maid of honor and her beau helped with starting the guest gifts.) The guest gifts, decorations, bridesmaids gifts, etc. All hand-made and the rest (i.e., best men gifts) customized. I’ll definitely have pictures posted of it all when those are done.

So yea, planning still on track. I’m not yet completely overwhelmed then BAM! A dear relative, imbued with the Catholic faith, asked that I please have the wedding in a church…

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Time to re-plan!

I could have said no but…I couldn’t. I may be a selfish brat here and there in life but I love my family and the guilt would have been too strong. After much thought, I decided I could have the ceremony in a chapel. Yea, I’ll feel mighty indecent waltzing into a chapel with my beach-fashioned wedding dress but I’ll make the family and the Heavens happy. I’m hoping to find a chapel not too far from a beach and the reception could be at a restaurant right by my beloved sandy shores.

WOO! I figured out that little issue but now I face the next daunting challenge…the invitation list.

Sean’s family is coming all the way from Ireland. I’m very excited about that! But then there’s my large beloved family scattered about the states. Imagine large as in both my parents had seven siblings and they each had kids and their kids had kids. My Irish grandma said she wanted a big family and I assume my Filipino grandma wanted the same. Weeell, they both got their wishes and now I have to figure out who to accommodate and how not to hurt anyone’s feelings in the process…

I have no idea what to do, lol.

This coupled with the stress of wondering if my uterus will last long enough for us to have a kid, what will happen when I take a small break from working, and trying to save up as much money as I can while still allowing ourselves some enjoyment in life. I just don’t know. My brain is all over the place.

Sincerely,
Jenn