The longest wait

There’s a pain in my head that comes and goes. It only goes after I sleep then easily returns not long after I wake. It worsens if I focus on work or video games.

I don’t feel hungry. I know I should eat but my body isn’t craving or feeling the need for food. I keep feeling nauseated instead.

I am scared. I won’t be able to see an orthapedist until Monday and a scoliosis specialist until Wednesday. I’m left waiting with a dysfunctional, crooked body and a mind that’s drifting into limbo.

Will my spine keep falling apart? Is it all because my bones are weakening? Or maybe my muscles?

I’m so tired…

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Whoopdiefeckndoo!

Is it self-centered to think “The heavens must be punishing me?” Incredibly cruel things are happening around the world but here I am wallowing in pain and sobbing curses at this crumbling body I’ve been given.

It’s as if Fate bated me into thinking I’ll live happily ever after with my prince…only to stop me at the gate and ask me to pay the highest price for having that happily ever after.

5 days before this surgery that will remove my ovary and cyst, my muscles around my spine decided to call it quits. I was diagnosed with minor scoliosis as a kid but I thought the two years of wearing a brace saved me from any future problems. Naive, I know, or maybe just delusional.

I havent properly exercized my back since college. I’m 29 now.

I squeezed into the brace that aligned my spine during junior high (my mother kept it and I thank god  that she did.) Jeebus, was I small back then; the brace was customized to fit me like an armored corsette. I pulled in the velcro just enough for it to push my hip and spine back into place while still allow me to breath. Any tighter I’ll be suffering from lack of air instead.

I’m able to walk now without a crooked hip which caused my torso to be stuck leaning into my right leg as I hobbled about (it reminded me of the old hunchedback Igor.) A nerve was being pinched as well. I can feel the weakness of my spine; it sort of keeps me from walking with my back completely straight upward.

I’m going to try and set up an appointment with a specialist to see what can be done to repair the damage. I don’t need an x-ray to see it. The mirror showed it all. Nothing was aligned as it should be. My torso looked like it had been drawn with a shakey hand that strayed to far to the right.

What in the world am I here for? To crumble into dust? What is supposed to happen to me? I feel useless and powerless. My body is denying me any sort of happiness. It’s probably revenge for never taking proper care of it. For working and stressing 24/7 and never giving it the time of day to heal right and strengthen.

-Jenn

The 13th

Over two weeks ago, I made a mad dash to see my doctor before she went on Christmas vacation. The receptionist put me in for a 10:30 AM appointment because I explained that I couldn’t take the pain.

The pain seems to be strongest in the evening and early morning. It turns into a dull pain after ibuprofen and sometimes I don’t feel anything for most of the day. But I was growing tired of  fearing the big old cyst that has taken my left ovary away. I grew tired of the pain it kept bringing me.

My doctor did another sonogram on me which shared that there are smaller cysts near my right ovary but the birth control managed to help shrink them. The big cyst remained big and hadn’t shrunken. I told her I wished to have it removed instead of pursuing the IVF. I told her I don’t want to stress about it anymore and I want the pain to stop. She reminded that it would mean staying on the birth control pill equaling no baby. Sorry, doc, I get that but I need pain-free for a long while.

When it came time to set up the date for the Operating Room I asked for the date to be mid to late January. The receptionist felt sassy enough to say “Well, I guess your pain isn’t that bad is it?” I smiled, a bit thrown off at the statement. How do I tell her all my worries? I can’t. She doesn’t want to hear them. Plus, how do I tell people who don’t want to care that I fear surgery…I fear being cut into. Scares the fuck out of me.

After telling her I have a job I need to keep in order to pay for this wonderful surgery (in a non-snarky way), I told them I’m fine with the surgery being Wednesday the 13th of January. It was the latest time I could get. Not long after this, my uterus decided to remind me why I’m throwing my fear aside for surgery.

The proposals took so much of my focus; 5 days passed until I actually got a refill of my birth control. My period and inflamed cysts arrived with all their suppressed fury. I couldn’t stay standing without nausea hitting me hard and I walked everywhere like my spine had permanently fused in a fetal position. I couldn’t focus and I went into frustrating bouts of crying because it just wouldn’t fuck’n ever stop tearing my insides apart.

 

Ugh, I need and fear the 13th to arrive.

Sincerely,
Jenn