I had held a grudge against an aged man who devalued me only a year after I had began working for his company. It was from that point on that I learned it was something he often did to anyone who did not go the direction he wanted them to go. He is a man who lives in the past and runs things in a very, very old fashioned way. But his old ways are struggling with the new developments of the industry.
Anywho, I suppose my grudge died a couple years after the passing of my old supervisor, the aged man’s brother. I remember the aged man always wondering why I was even hired on while his dear brother always defended his decision to hire me. I believe it was because of his brother’s faith in me that I was regarded with kindness and no longer as that person “with no value” at the funeral. After the funeral, the aged man’s wife felt like she had to tell me something when she saw me from across the parking lot. She said it aloud with tears streaming down her face and an endearing smile, “He cared about you so much!”
I never understood why he did care about me so much. He treated me like family even when I acted like a little brat which he often called me jokingly. My other nickname was space cadet since I often wore a far off look in my eyes. If I had a mischievous grandfather, I’m sure he would’ve been much like my old supervisor. He chided me as a parent would when I messed up, taught me everything he knew about the corporate world, and pushed me to pursue my goal of becoming a graphic designer. Never had I received so much guidance and support all at once. I’m thankful for it now and it’s the reason why I stayed in this company so long despite my frustrations about how the work environment has grown more strained and stressful by the year.
The people in the company have become my family. They’ve supported me during all the chaos that occurred while I was just trying to get my second surgery underway. I’m extremely thankful. And I was really surprised after reading the following in an email from the aged man, “You are a long term successful Team Member and are a very special person to me and the family therefore Jennifer do not worry at all about you being out of work taking care of your health.” That sentence threw me off completely. For years I felt he didn’t give a hoot about my existence but for the sake of his brother he would at least acknowledge me. If he truly does feel this way then, wow, I’m a jerk for having been guarded for so long, lol.
I’ve been given the approval to go part time. I’ll be starting physical therapy for my back and seek out professional help for suppressing my Endometriosis. I can breath now. I feel like I had been holding my breath for six years working my butt off, trying to prove my worth, and trying to survive the devious ways of the corporate world. I’m not really made for this business world. I like to create and design more freely but corporate has always had a weird relationship with the world of art and its many gifted and often misunderstood inhabitants. I think I fit more under misunderstood than gifted, lol. I probably could fit into the gifted section if I just stopped being so apprehensive and allow myself to become more confident.
I have no idea where things will go. There is one within the company that is my supervisor in name but I don’t regard him as such. He’ll be a thoughtful person one day then Scrooge the next. The devious part of him says one thing to a person and then says/does another behind their back. I’m not sure why he would bother to do such a thing considering he’s in a high position. He’s old as well and may be handling things in the only way he’s ever known – feeling that he needs to control the tide to feel like he has some sort of power.
The person I see as my true supervisor is the lady I had mentioned some time ago who I’ve grown even closer to during tough times. I had said she never once completely liked a work I had created without her guidance which was a statement that savored highly of bitterness. I don’t care anymore if any of my designs are praised. In truth, a lot of them had potential but stopped short and all she would do was point that out and direct me in a way that’d help the design. Lol, I guess I’ll always be a brat at first about things. 😛