Realistically…

I highly doubt that within the next two months I’ll get preggers. After the laparoscopy/surgery, Doc said to give it three months of natural trying before I pursue any wallet draining methods. Okay, the last part is my own mind’s interpretation but you can assume what she actually said, lol.

The first month has already passed and my oh-so-wonderful menstrual problems remind me that my system is a mess and that maybe it’s best I don’t pass on these damaged genes–but the urge to be a mother is so strong. I see my friends and their adorable chubchubs and it’s like…

“Where’s my chubchub?”

And thanks to YouTube and my currently unstable hormones this question is now blinking inside my mind as a large neon sign. YouTube decided to recommend videos of families revealing pregnancies. I actually sat there for a good half hour laughing one moment and crying the next as I saw family after family announce that they’re having a baby in fun, jovial ways and receiving adorable and hilarious reactions.

*sigh* I won’t be able to say that I tried everything before mentally giving up. I just can’t bring myself to dish out $5000+ to get some “mini-IVF” treatment if the natural attempts don’t work. My intuition is telling me that because of my unstable hormones, scarring, tiny hard to reach cysts, and lack of consistent, proper nutrients are going to work against me. Yea, I’m shooting myself in the foot before trying but I have three other cousins who are dealing with late stages of Endometriosis; two have tried IVF, and it didn’t work. The other is still trying to heal from her own surgery and I have no idea what she plans to do in the fertility department.

I’m using book writing as a way to cope with this damned issue. I’m writing a fantasy novel about twins growing up in a world of war and magic (not that original, lol, but I’m going more for therapeutic than originality.) I chose twins because Sean said his family has a history of twins. If I can’t have children in real life, I’ll create some version of them within a story that hopefully will exist forever in the land of 1s and 0s and, heck, I’ll even print a copy of the novel for my own library!

The only part that sucks is that even after all this frustration, coping and acceptance of what’s to come, I still can’t completely shake away the wish to hold my own baby. It’ll just return when my cousin’s let me hold their little ones or when I see parents walk with their little one in a stroller…

I’m sorry mommy has a messed up uterus, chubchub…

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

I pushed myself! :D

Ever get those “I should do this…” moments but you end up repeating that to yourself every hour and continuing whatever you were doing (i.e., sleeping, netflix, games.) until you realize it’s night time and you’ve done nothing productive at all? I do this quite often.

Well, after another interrupted REM (thanks, Gidget’s bladder), I woke up with a frustration for the lack of beneficial change. This fueled a powerful drive to get shit done.

First objective: Buddy and his constant need to bark. I started on the main target of his barking—the neighbors. This is where I look back and feel like the last post I wrote is a foot in mouth post and lower my head in shame. I had assumed they didn’t like us and that they probably didn’t understand how things were but it’s the exact opposite.

Anywho, I leashed  Buddy up, walked over and knocked on the door. The missus opens the door and I start with “Can my dog meet you?” and she seemed more than fine with meeting him. I wanted the setting of the introduction to be the backyard since this is all that Buddy ever sees of them. She came out with their 12-yr-old Labrador, Ross (btw, that dog looks so healthy for 12 yrs old! I had no idea he was that age!)

Buddy was the epitome of well-behaved which shocked me. I think he was feeding off Ross’s calm energy. The missus greeted and pet Buddy and the dogs sniffed each other. Her (3 or 4 yr old???) son was too hyperactive/nervous to actually approach Buddy. He did however feel it was necessary to shoot at us from behind the glass doors with his nerf gun.

Later on that day, before leaving to pick up Sean I introduced Buddy to the guy of the house who was outside with Ross roasting up some barbecue. From talking to the adults, I learned the missus used to have a Pomeranian and knows exactly what it’s like to go through what I’ve been going through. They both know how dogs are and care about dogs. Overall, they were just very understanding. I said whenever I’m able to, I’ll bring Buddy over if they’re outside so he gets used to them and starts seeing that they’re friends. It’s gonna take time but I have hope.

Next: the DIY decorating! I bought some accessories for the bedroom makeover. I want it to look good for when the house goes on the market. I had about an hour to work with until I had to pick Sean up. I bought 4 small plastic boxes that had this lattice treatment ($2 each) and a cute, little silver and gold mirror ($8.) I also bought, what I assume, is a very fancy, silver soap holder but looked like someone cut a candle stick holder in half ($4). I left the base silver and sprayed the top 18 kt gold. I also sprayed two of the plastic boxes gold. I cleaned up the bathroom and organized the boxes and items on our off-white spacesaver shelf.

I used the soap holder to be my perfume bottle holder since I have this vintage bottle I like a lot and wanted it to have its own little platform. I placed the silver and gold mirror above our Ikea cube drawer that we put on its side to act as our “his and her” dresser.

I’ll take pictures when the room is done but yea, the main theme colors are gold, silver, white, and black.

The last thing I did, that was actually needed, is painting the walls. Over the years, the walls and doors received many scratches and marks. These became more apparent after Buddy decided he must chew off sections of the wall paint to escape the gated space he and Gidget are left in during the day. No matter what we did, he’d tear up either the wall or toilet paper/pee pads. So we bought a soft, mesh muzzle that gives his snout enough space to eat treats and drink water. Luckily, they’re never home alone long (especially since I work part-time now.)

It feels good to get things done. 😀 I still have the drive to get things done so by the end of this week all my junk will be packed up, the bedroom will be revamped, and everything will be clean! I’ll cook too since my mom has been asking me if I will. She gets tired of cooking, lol, but I only know how to cook a few things. I’ll be researching quick, simple meals so I don’t burn anything again… heh…

Sincerely,
Jenn

Just To Remind Myself

I originally didn’t want to write this down. If jinxing is possible, I was afraid of doing just that by even holding what my subconscious had shared too dearly.

I dreamed the other night and I don’t have that many dreams nowadays. The first half of the dream is completely forgotten. Usually that means the first half was utter nonsense or something as simple as me thinking I’m nibbling on a pencil but in reality I’m nibbling on my pillow.

It is the very last part of the dream that stuck with me. Every fiber of my being wanted to remember this fanciful moment despite suddenly understanding it was just a dream. I finally decided to record it here even if things don’t turn out as I wish.

I remember feeling how funny the scene looked as Sean and I sat at either side of a picnic table. We kept leaning forward and giving each other a kiss which would be interrupted with intervals of me giddily laughing or both of us smiling our heads off. The scene was seen from above as I was in a sort of third person point of view. I then floated into myself and was allowed to experience the silliness in first person.

I closed my eyes, puckered up and met air. “Air?”, I remember thinking. I also remember frowning a bit wondering why I wasn’t met with Sean’s lips.

I opened my eyes and everything but what was directly in front of me blurred out. I flinched in surprise to find a baby, who already looked nearly a year old, sitting atop the picnic table. There was a cozy baby blanket that had fallen off the baby’s shoulders due to excited flailing. The baby smiled, giggled and clapped as if happy that it succeeded in not only confusing me but surprising me. A wave of happiness filled me as I kept staring at twinkling eyes, a button nose, and cooing mouth.

That’s when my mind realized it was a dream. I was at a point where I could slightly take control of the dream but I focused only on making myself do something and did my best not to influence anything else. In my mind I said, “I love you.” and “Thank you.” I leaned down and kissed the baby’s forehead and woke up to light peeking through the blinds. I still had a big ol’ smile on my face.

I was a bit sad it all ended so quickly but I just turned my head around, sighed peacefully, and watched Sean sleep until my alarm went off. I have no idea what will happen from here on out. But thank you, Subconscious, for giving me such a lovely morning. 🙂

Sincerely,
Jenn