I highly doubt that within the next two months I’ll get preggers. After the laparoscopy/surgery, Doc said to give it three months of natural trying before I pursue any wallet draining methods. Okay, the last part is my own mind’s interpretation but you can assume what she actually said, lol.
The first month has already passed and my oh-so-wonderful menstrual problems remind me that my system is a mess and that maybe it’s best I don’t pass on these damaged genes–but the urge to be a mother is so strong. I see my friends and their adorable chubchubs and it’s like…
“Where’s my chubchub?”
And thanks to YouTube and my currently unstable hormones this question is now blinking inside my mind as a large neon sign. YouTube decided to recommend videos of families revealing pregnancies. I actually sat there for a good half hour laughing one moment and crying the next as I saw family after family announce that they’re having a baby in fun, jovial ways and receiving adorable and hilarious reactions.
*sigh* I won’t be able to say that I tried everything before mentally giving up. I just can’t bring myself to dish out $5000+ to get some “mini-IVF” treatment if the natural attempts don’t work. My intuition is telling me that because of my unstable hormones, scarring, tiny hard to reach cysts, and lack of consistent, proper nutrients are going to work against me. Yea, I’m shooting myself in the foot before trying but I have three other cousins who are dealing with late stages of Endometriosis; two have tried IVF, and it didn’t work. The other is still trying to heal from her own surgery and I have no idea what she plans to do in the fertility department.
I’m using book writing as a way to cope with this damned issue. I’m writing a fantasy novel about twins growing up in a world of war and magic (not that original, lol, but I’m going more for therapeutic than originality.) I chose twins because Sean said his family has a history of twins. If I can’t have children in real life, I’ll create some version of them within a story that hopefully will exist forever in the land of 1s and 0s and, heck, I’ll even print a copy of the novel for my own library!
The only part that sucks is that even after all this frustration, coping and acceptance of what’s to come, I still can’t completely shake away the wish to hold my own baby. It’ll just return when my cousin’s let me hold their little ones or when I see parents walk with their little one in a stroller…
I’m sorry mommy has a messed up uterus, chubchub…