Should’ve known. Alas, no pregnancy. Just an unwanted menstruation and all its wonderful symptoms. Like all the times before, I couldn’t help but sob when I felt it…the rise of pain ebbing its way through my system.
It’s the shittiest feeling ever…knowing it didn’t happen-again; knowing that despite all the work and carefulness there’s no reward. I mean yea, I found a medicinal herb that’s been more than helpful in assisting my hormones. But no matter what, I can never evade the bouts of sadness. There’ll be moments when I become so dramatic that I’ll look up at the sky and ask where my baby is. I’m not exactly wallowing 24/7 but it’ll hit me at random and always when I get another monthly. Blargh.
Anywho, I’ve started a new audio book. To help when my mind needs a break. I love listening and reading all sorts of stories. This one is called The Red Chamber by Pauline A. Chen. It’s based off a much older and crazy long Chinese story written by Cao Xueqin called Dream of the Red Chamber. Apparently the ending had been lost and rewritten by someone else, so Pauline felt inspired to write her own version and a more suitable ending.
I’ve always been drawn into historical dramas, particularly those of Asian roots: Chinese, Korean, Thailand, Japanese, etc. Their cultures are full of soooo many stories about the same subjects: duty, honor, love, lust, and jealousy. And in every one, there are those that control the strings and those who get pulled around and suffer so much. Half of time, the ending is tragic. They seem to revel tragedies. Maybe because of the strong emotions that create them.
I’m sort of praying that this particular story has a good ending. But so far, it’s like Days of Our Lives where shit out of nowhere just happens because people suck. I’m already riled up by the controlling, obstinate Grandmother who seems to know what’s best for all while the frustrated cousins who just want to live their lives the way they wish get tossed about. And ooooh the whole concubine business *fumes*…
One of the matrons couldn’t produce an heir, so what does her husband do? Marries the matron’s best friend/servant who does get pregnant and enjoys the love Mr. I-love-shnushnu gives. He completely ignores his first wife from then on.
The sad part is that the matron knew her husband never wanted her but did her best to fulfill her duties and tend to his needs. But the lack of acknowledgement and love from him and the family has warped her. I hate it when she lies about stupid shit and lets her jealousy get the best of her.
And now she’s been seduced by a man whose climbed his way to the top from the bronx. I don’t even know how to feel about that whole ordeal. My morality is like OH NO YOU DI’IN’T! but the guy seriously loves her and she for once feels love and appreciation for her abilities and what she does.
All I can say is thank Ghandi that I was not born in their time period. It’s completely suffocating and full of unhappiness.
The one character I’ve grown fond off is a spritely, young lady who grew up in the south. She had a much more free and loving environment. She doesn’t take the dysfunctional family’s shit and though she cares for her cousins, she doesn’t let the Grandma have the final word. I also like how observant she is. Everyone else is like a whirlwind. I need breaks when too much has happened from the story, lol.
Besides all that, life moves on. It seems back problems run in the family which is another thing that no one bothered to share until I got it myself. And I have one more month to try for a baby. We’ll see what happens.