GAAAH! Me back!

I will never push off my back/leg stretches again!!! The pain just kept building up more and more until I could no longer take it! I ended up having to take a moment during work today just to do my exercises so I could focus.

See, last Thursday was my last day of Physical Therapy with the folks over at the practice I’ve been going to. I bought the stretch strap(Stretch-EZ) but have yet to purchase the 65cm exercise stability ball(SUESPORT; I giggled when I saw the Pantone color…graphic design nerdom ftw) for my rotations and the half-round foam roller(SPRI) for my spine.

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Yesterday was supposed to be the day I do everything on my own. The folks over the practice were nice enough to print out a list of my exercises for me (here are some below):

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Instead of doing my back regimen, I got caught up in house work, keeping the dogs from bombarding the repairmen who were fixing all the issues the inspector found and the home buyers asked to have repaired, and then complete a work project I still had to finish before the end of the day.

I figured missing one day would be fine. I was so wrong. This morning, trying to sit up from bed was painful. Then actually standing up was worse. When walking became a struggle and I knew I HAD to do some stretches and exercises. I ran up and down the stairwell at work, did some back stretches against the stairwell wall and after finding a cubicle that was away from anyone’s view, I did the exercises/stretches pictured above.

All the above helped extremely and quickly. I was able to move around without pain or stiffness. I’m using a heat pack right now as well to help out my muscles. I will never push off what my body needs ever again.

Sincerely,
Jenn

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Feelin’ like a brat lately…

I know I shouldn’t be acting this way. I know that there’s always a possibility that my body may find a balance while treating Endometriosis and that one day a baby may just enter our lives. But there’s a big part of me that is messing up my Qi (Ch’i) and making me more bitter and grim as each day passes.

I barely go on Facebook specifically because everyone and their mom has been getting pregnant or is having yet another baby. My mind is no longer trying to remain happy about it. Mind you, I’m not mad at the people sharing their happiness. I’m mad that I can’t experience it myself.

Nowadays, when I encounter the first preggie/baby post it brings upon a brief “YAY!!!” moment which quickly gets replaced by the “I HATE MY BROKEN UTERUS!!!” moment. After that it just feels like each pregnancy/birth post becomes another batch of bricks being dropped onto my head.

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Then there’s YouTube. I do watch YouTubers share their lives because I’m a nosy feker and I enjoy a lot of the people who vlog. One family I tune in on often is the Sacconejolys. They crack me up, are endearing, and are fun. But the moment they shared that they’ve finally got pregnant and they may even be twins…all I felt was my heart dropping. Why does infertility and all the demonic health conditions that come with that word have to exist???

I’ve literally, at this point, have thrown away 99% of any hope that I’ll ever have a baby. The 1% that still exists is only there because I feel like I should at least keep trying until the window of opportunity closes. Once that door closes, I have to figure out how the hell I can prevent my uterus and other body parts from being overrun by the evil ovarian endometrioma. Kind of sounds like an invading alien race when I say it like that.

I’m embracing the idea that I’ll become an old dog lady who’ll forever carry an ache in the far recesses of my heart for the baby I could never have. I know I’m sounding like an emo-tastic, broken record but the whole point of me having this blog is to let the festering thoughts out so I can get through the day. Well that, and sharing my life with y’all.

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Sincerely,
Jenn

 

Wtf, Thursday.

Remind me not to read bittersweet stories while on my monthly. I finished the book feeling like someone slapped my eyes raw. And I was left frowning for awhile like I do when I smell rotten eggs farting out of someone’s car. Not to say the story wasn’t good. It kept me engaged for sure but I was brokenhearted by the multiple tragedies.

To top that all off I was given the scare of my life yesterday. It was a day off meant for my physical therapy but early that morning, Gidget fell ill again. Her body kept shaking, she kept smacking her lips after every time she tried to throw up but couldn’t (she had thrown up twice the previous day and twice the previous night so something was trying to be expelled from her system), and she kept groaning in pain. I was scared. I rushed to the vet and they took her in.

I felt more at ease once they put her on an IV. They said she was so dehydrated that her veins in her heart and lungs had shrunk a little. They got an x-ray done and one vet said there was some foreign object obstructing her bowel. Then later, I talked to another vet who helped heal Buddy when he had Giardia as a pup and she said “I don’t know what happened to her but there isn’t a foreign object blocking anything. And her blood tests are perfect! Something just gave her a reaaally bad stomach ache.”

That took a load off but I was still confused as to why one saw something and another saw nothing. Gidget being on the IV all day yesterday improved her greatly. Her appetite has finally returned but she’s a bit weary and annoyed by where the catheter had been on her leg. She kept trying to lick it so I put one of her shirts on as sling that wrapped around her paw and leg. I’m sure she’ll wiggle out of it but I’m hoping she’ll be unable to get to it long enough for it to close up well.

I’m left with this uneasy and worn out feeling. I think I should start a different book to distract me. One that is less…dramatic. Maybe just some epic fantasy. I also feel like writing more in my own book. I did become downtrodden by the tragedies from what I read, but it gave me good insight to well-done character development that I want to implement on my own characters.

And when I get home from work, I’m going to take a long nap!

Sincerely,
Jenn

And things move on…

Should’ve known. Alas, no pregnancy. Just an unwanted menstruation and all its wonderful symptoms. Like all the times before, I couldn’t help but sob when I felt it…the rise of pain ebbing its way through my system.

It’s the shittiest feeling ever…knowing it didn’t happen-again; knowing that despite all the work and carefulness there’s no reward. I mean yea, I found a medicinal herb that’s been more than helpful in assisting my hormones. But no matter what, I can never evade the bouts of sadness. There’ll be moments when I become so dramatic that I’ll look up at the sky and ask where my baby is. I’m not exactly wallowing 24/7 but it’ll hit me at random and always when I get another monthly. Blargh.

13115538Anywho, I’ve started a new audio book. To help when my mind needs a break. I love listening and reading all sorts of stories. This one is called The Red Chamber by Pauline A. Chen. It’s based off a much older and crazy long Chinese story written by Cao Xueqin called Dream of the Red Chamber. Apparently the ending had been lost and rewritten by someone else, so Pauline felt inspired to write her own version and a more suitable ending.

I’ve always been drawn into historical dramas, particularly those of Asian roots: Chinese, Korean, Thailand, Japanese, etc. Their cultures are full of soooo many stories about the same subjects: duty, honor, love, lust, and jealousy. And in every one, there are those that control the strings and those who get pulled around and suffer so much. Half of time, the ending is tragic. They seem to revel tragedies. Maybe because of the strong emotions that create them.

I’m sort of praying that this particular story has a good ending. But so far, it’s like Days of Our Lives where shit out of nowhere just happens because people suck. I’m already riled up by the controlling, obstinate Grandmother who seems to know what’s best for all while the frustrated cousins who just want to live their lives the way they wish get tossed about. And ooooh the whole concubine business *fumes*…

One of the matrons couldn’t produce an heir, so what does her husband do? Marries the matron’s best friend/servant who does get pregnant and enjoys the love Mr. I-love-shnushnu gives. He completely ignores his first wife from then on.

The sad part is that the matron knew her husband never wanted her but did her best to fulfill her duties and tend to his needs. But the lack of acknowledgement and love from him and the family has warped her. I hate it when she lies about stupid shit and lets her jealousy get the best of her.

And now she’s been seduced by a man whose climbed his way to the top from the bronx. I don’t even know how to feel about that whole ordeal. My morality is like OH NO YOU DI’IN’T! but the guy seriously loves her and she for once feels love and appreciation for her abilities and what she does.

All I can say is thank Ghandi that I was not born in their time period. It’s completely suffocating and full of unhappiness.

The one character I’ve grown fond off is a spritely, young lady who grew up in the south. She had a much more free and loving environment. She doesn’t take the dysfunctional family’s shit and though she cares for her cousins, she doesn’t let the Grandma have the final word. I also like how observant she is. Everyone else is like a whirlwind. I need breaks when too much has happened from the story, lol.

Besides all that, life moves on. It seems back problems run in the family which is another thing that no one bothered to share until I got it myself. And I have one more month to try for a baby. We’ll see what happens.

Sincerely,
Jenn

The second month

I’ve been good about taking my pre-natal pills and I’m hoping they’ll be enough since I’m supposed to be taking way more Vitamin D than what’s put into the pre-natal vitamins. I have been drinking lactose-free, hormone-free milk from Lucerne which adds a bit more Vitamin D and much needed calcium to the mix. I’ve been working out and doing physical therapy 3 -4 days a week which has been great for my energy and is really helping my herniated disc.

vitexI also started Vitex (Chasteberry herb) this past March. It’s known for reducing menstrual pains and promoting ovulation. I started taking it after my period ended. To see how my body would react to it, I only took one per day for a week. Nothing happened. I then lost my container for over a week, lol. When I found it again, I began taking 2 per day; my body reacted immediately.

No more pains, less anxiety, and a lot more energy.  I may have to stop taking it for five days starting tomorrow (since I already took the darn thing today.) I say this because I just recently found a site that gives the Do’s and Don’ts of taking the herb: http://www.larabriden.com/vitex-for-period-problems/ and it says to give your system a 5 day Vitex-free intermission around the time you’d be getting your period so that you don’t fek your system up.

Since this is a strong medicinal herb, I’m going to do what the nice lady from that post advises. This is the second month of trying for a baby. I’ll only be taking Vitex for another month and then leave the container be until I ever need it again.

Y’know, after looking at the calendar I should’ve gotten my period already. I wonder if I already confused my system, lol. I’ll test to see if by some miracle I’m pregnant. If not though, I’ll give the Vitex a break.

I’ll miss the wondrous relief once I stop taking it. And I pray I haven’t accidentally programmed my body to forever be in ovulation mode. 😛

Sincerely,
Jenn