I’ve been getting some serious anxiety attacks lately. I’ll be fine one moment and then WOOSH!…Some small, uncontrollable thing occurs and my heart and mind are racing. And this adds onto my already existing and reoccurring stressing about my Endometriosis and fertility problems.
Mind you, the endo and fertility issues were not bothering me as much until recently when the anxiety started to take root. I’ve been trying to manage the endometriosis the best I can with what knowledge is out there so far but the pains are a constant reminder that no matter what they do, it’ll always be there. And I’ve been telling myself I don’t give a shit about whether or not I get pregnant but…LIFE…go’dang LIFE keeps happening. Life keeps smothering my face with glimpses of motherhood, babies, and miracle stories of those who had been battling Endo and still managed to get pregnant (most through natural means.)
Anywho, back to my anxiety in general…
The only way to shut up this persistent cloud of crap following me around is sleep. Like a full REM sleep. The whole day I’ll be stressing myself out with worries and unease until I finally pass out and wake up in the morning renewed. But then another day later, I’m back into the cycle of something(s) happens, I freak out, and then pass out from exhaustion.
I’ve tried so many ways to redirect my mind. I’ve been drawing like a mofo which helps loads but only for the time that I’m doing it. I’ve been turning to my other past-time of reading/listening to books but same deal where it’ll drown out all the anxiety for only the time that I am involved with reading or drawing.
I heard exercise helps. I’ll do my little stretch and work out for my back which I know isn’t really exercise but with my lazy ass that’s as far as it’s going to get. People are mentioning yoga buuuuut I’m not sure where to start with it. I did manage to cut back my caffeine by a lot which helped.
The anxiety attacks with the caffeine gave me weird palpitations that’d freak me out even more. And I truly hated the whole “Dear gahd, imma ’bout to die!” feeling from those palpitations.
The biggest triggers that seem to effect me the most are my social mishaps, scary world news and politics, and any intense story about babies and mothers. I guess I could just limit my time on the internet so I stop triggering…but I’d be bored as hell. Also, the times that I wasn’t near some form of media, I would hear about stories from others.
My husband and loads of others have the ability to not give a fuck. I wish I did. I thought for a time I did. But, woo…as of late…I’m as anxiety ridden as an awkward, middle-school derphead standing in the corner of their first class dance.
Well, writing this out has helped too now. I don’t feel so suffocated now that I’ve actually written my thoughts out.