Anxiety is killing me

I’ve been getting some serious anxiety attacks lately. I’ll be fine one moment and then WOOSH!…Some small, uncontrollable thing occurs and my heart and mind are racing. And this adds onto my already existing and reoccurring stressing about my Endometriosis and fertility problems.

Mind you, the endo and fertility issues were not bothering me as much until recently when the anxiety started to take root. I’ve been trying to manage the endometriosis the best I can with what knowledge is out there so far but the pains are a constant reminder that no matter what they do, it’ll always be there. And I’ve been telling myself I don’t give a shit about whether or not I get pregnant but…LIFE…go’dang LIFE keeps happening. Life keeps smothering my face with glimpses of motherhood, babies, and miracle stories of those who had been battling Endo and still managed to get pregnant (most through natural means.)

Anywho, back to my anxiety in general…

The only way to shut up this persistent cloud of crap following me around is sleep. Like a full REM sleep. The whole day I’ll be stressing myself out with worries and unease until I finally pass out and wake up in the morning renewed. But then another day later, I’m back into the cycle of something(s) happens, I freak out, and then pass out from exhaustion.

I’ve tried so many ways to redirect my mind. I’ve been drawing like a mofo which helps loads but only for the time that I’m doing it. I’ve been turning to my other past-time of reading/listening to books but same deal where it’ll drown out all the anxiety for only the time that I am involved with reading or drawing.

I heard exercise helps. I’ll do my little stretch and work out for my back which I know isn’t really exercise but with my lazy ass that’s as far as it’s going to get. People are mentioning yoga buuuuut I’m not sure where to start with it. I did manage to cut back my caffeine by a lot which helped.

The anxiety attacks with the caffeine gave me weird palpitations that’d freak me out even more. And I truly hated the whole “Dear gahd, imma ’bout to die!” feeling from those palpitations.

The biggest triggers that seem to effect me the most are my social mishaps, scary world news and politics, and any intense story about babies and mothers. I guess I could just limit my time on the internet so I stop triggering…but I’d be bored as hell. Also, the times that I wasn’t near some form of media, I would hear about stories from others.

My husband and loads of others have the ability to not give a fuck. I wish I did. I thought for a time I did. But, woo…as of late…I’m as anxiety ridden as an awkward, middle-school derphead standing in the corner of their first class dance.

Well, writing this out has helped too now. I don’t feel so suffocated now that I’ve actually written my thoughts out.



What should one do?

I’ve been stressing a lot lately and my body and endometriosis is flaring up because of it. Work is a bit crazy (as usual but just a bit more so lately) and life seems to want to repeatedly put me in awkward situations. For example…

Last Monday I decided to buy two pairs of pretty scarves for my mom and a pair for me. I thought my mom would be excited about it because they’re Michael Kors. She was excited and so was I but she and I haven’t worn them since I bought them.

As of late there have been days that were cold enough to wear them but my conscience wouldn’t let me. Why? Because a glitch occurred between Burlington Coat Factory’s card machine and my card. For a brief moment, the card machine had read “not auth.” I saw it flash quickly while waiting at the counter. Then the machine decided it was okay to continue with the transaction. I asked the cashier if something was wrong with it and she responded “Ahhh hmm, *checks screen* nope! Here’s your receipt.”

I thought, hmmm, okay, guess it was a glitch. My intuition pushed me to check my account. I check my online account and see the $300 in my account still intact. No dent in it whatsoever. Usually my pending purchases show up immediately but Burlington was no where to be found for that day. It worked fine last Friday and I saw the pending purchase for that family shopping spree but the Monday shopping spree was nowhere.


I called Wells Fargo. They said that they can’t find the transaction at all. That Burlington’s system never communicated with my account. I was like, “WHAAA?” The representative told me to give it a day and check again. I did this and still no transaction. I bought $73 worth of scarves. My mind isn’t at peace!

I wait another night and still it doesn’t show up. So, I finally go back to Burlington and wait in a long line. I walk up to a lady and I explain what happened. She said me coming to them about this is refreshing. I responded “I just can’t be at ease because it didn’t charge my account. It needs to charge me!” She called for the store manager who got all the info she needed from me. She said she would check, thanked me for coming in, and that she would call me.

A week later, no call. I don’t blame ’em because it gets busy there. I check my account again, and still no transaction from that Monday purchase. Every transaction I had made since has been showing up and pending through just fine. But this one renegade transaction has disappeared into the void! I called today to tell them there is STILL no sign of the transaction. Another manager got my information like before and said “Thank you, okay goodbye.” I guess she’ll call me after she looks into it? I really hope she does because this annoying.