Calm

It’s amazing and scary how intuition works…

My instinct seems to be spot-on nowadays. I don’t even know how it got like this. Maybe it’s all my subconscious pulling in everything it’s ever learned and using it to guide me in a way. *shrugs* Whatever it is, I feel kind of reassured by it.¬†Thanks, Tacit Knowledge! ūüėõ

I’m at a better place right now mentally. I’ve finally reached the¬†calm after the storm. Sean has reached that point too. I’m thankful for his love and his dedication. That even¬†when we have to go through the labyrinth of life we can still find each other and love each other.

Neither he or I are perfect and we both will be facing things we aren’t prepared for. Understanding this makes me relax a bit more. I don’t have to keep being on edge about what I can’t control. What happen will happen and in the end, I will still have my love and trust for him and he will have his for me.

On another note, in my endeavor to help fix my back problem (sciatica) I ended up causing it more damage. I had been overstretching it. So I’m only stretching and working out everything but my lower back, lol. This coupled with Tylenol in the evening before I sleep has helped decrease the pain.

So not only am I at a good mental state right now, I’m at a better physical state too. *thumbs up*

Sincerely,
Jenn

The Love of a Pet

I think I’ve been emanating all the internal conflict that I’ve been going through so much that even my furbabies are responding to it. I’ve been noticing Buddy sticking to me like glue and demanding cuddles more often than usual. And in the random moments I burst into tears, he rushes over to me, sniffs me and then licks my face. When I calm down he demands I hold him or scratch him, lol.

Gidget used to do the same but she probably feels she doesn’t need to with Buddy around unless I cry out from accidentally hurting myself. Moments like that then both dogs have to access the situation and try to lick my face. I love them both so much.

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I should note that Buddy is very reactive to any sort of inflection. Gidget does this almost Donald Duck sounding choke (vet said it may be allergies or tracheal collapse as to why she has these choke/cough moments) and Buddy runs over to sniff/lick her face. He’s a sweetheart. A bit of an oaf and cry baby but a total sweetheart.

During my most needy days he sticks so close. He’ll just lean against me as he sleeps or puts his head on me. If it’s one thing that I’m thankful for, it’s pets. I know we did wrong by them in the past by domesticating them… but without them, I don’t know how I’d be right now. I’d feel even more alone than I already do. Their unconditional love and their need for me makes me feel less useless.

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01/15/2017

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01/18/2017

Sincerely,
Jenn

Whither I Wander?

I’ve been dreaming a lot. The dreams are as erratic as my emotions.¬†After all this time of trying to find ways to escape the path I’ve been on… I’m still trapped.

I’m doing my best to accept what I can’t control and adapt. But it just seems harder and harder to do as the years pass by. I guess deep down there’s still a little brat that wants her way or the world shall face her fury.

I keep wondering what I’m supposed to do in this world. People seem to have a drive…whether that drive is to accomplish a lot or dig a hole and never come out, they have something that’s pushing them. I’m stuck.

Nothing is pushing me. I’m trying to push myself but the pushes seem like baby steps right now. I don’t know what I need to be doing.

Sean said he can’t be 100% here for me right now. I told him I can’t help but be an overly needy thing as I’m pulling myself back together. But he just doesn’t have the energy to be that supportive. His mind is on work 90% of the time. He loves his job despite the amount of stress it can give him. And currently there’s a lot going on and as Lead Tech he has to get the chaos back in order. Then you can add the pain from his wisdom tooth removal to the list of things that drain him. He’s been getting headaches and sometimes dizziness. So as of late, it’s either he’s at work or he’s in bed reading.

And once he’s home, there’s no want to actually get up and do things unless he’s alone or he needs to go restroom. So I’m bringing him whatever he needs. At this point I’ve just accepted this role of sustenance-bringer and only tell him to wait¬†if I’m currently preoccupied.

*sigh* He’s done what he can in attempts to be more attentive. The occasional cuddle moment here and there. Men are simple creatures and I sort of envy them¬†for it. What makes him happy is me keeping him company, back scratches, cooking for him,¬†and sex. That should be the heading of the next romance book for men.

It would be nice if I could require so little for happiness. Then surely, my days would be blissful. But those long talks I used to have with him in the beginning, the many endearments, and bonding through reading together or gaming together… it’s all fizzled into a once in awhile occurrence. Is this what they mean when the honeymoon phase is over?

Now it’s just the plain jane part of marriage with the occasional jostling of one’s sanity to keep things alive? Maybe I require too much in life. Maybe for now, I should stop being needy and rely on myself. I see how limited he’s been recently with things not concerning his work and his passion for tech repair. I have to find a passion.

I’ve had drawing all my life as a passion but I no longer seem to find any joy in it. It’s hard to find joy in anything other than caring for my dogs. That nurturing part of me wants to keep nurturing. But since nature decided to pick me as¬†one of the folks that have to take the long and arduous route to having a child, I have to look into¬†the world of nurturing animals.

Sean likes to feel needed through his work. Sadly, I don’t feel truly needed in my job nor in my life. So animals in need can fill that void… right?

Sincerely,
Jenn

Output and Intake

So, it took a little while to throw off ALL the internal baggage that was still bugging me. Talking to Sean seriously about the things the kept haunting me helped a lot. He processed each thing and understood my needs and adjusted his ways.

He says he feels a [good] change in him and he’ll practice restraint [on his bad habit]. I’m holding him to those words, lol. The second wedding with friends and family is back on since that was one thing that ate at me. It was something I was looking forward to for so long and kicking it out of the scene just didn’t help. I told him why I nixed it in the first place and he sees now how much of his lack of caring/interest affects me.

So now that my emotional state is repairing itself, I’ve been busy with physically repairing myself. I’m doing exercises with an exercise ball twice a week¬†and sticking to the exercises the booklet has. I pushed myself in the beginning so that I could feel soreness. I wanted to see how far my muscles would go until I turned to mush. Sean told me to take it easy especially with my back. “Pushing that much when you’re just starting out isn’t a good idea.”

Note for those who may have Endometriosis and horrible period pains: I’m staying away from Excedrin and am using Tylenol from now on. My blood seemed to hemorrhage more when I took it and turned my blood into jelly. Not cool, man. It may have nixed the pain but having that occur was unnerving.

I’ve also grown to like these gummie vitamins from OLLY. I have a total of four different kinds now: The Mega Omega-3, Balanced Belly (Prebiotic and Probiotic), Solid Bones (Calcium, D3, K2 and Boron), and Endless Energy. The one called¬†“Endless Energy” is the only one that kind of bitch slaps your taste buds. The others taste kind of like those fruit gummies Sunkist makes but Endless Energy actually has ginger spice in the mix. I took one so far even though it suggests I take 3 day when I need them.

I’d rather not push things though because my monthly kicked me ovaries overnight and I’m a bit on the weak side. So far one gummie has kept me focused and awake. I may take another after I eat my lunch but only when I start to wind down.

Vitex (Chaste Berry) is back on the shelf unless my period decides to take a trip down “Hellish Lane.” I’m already passed the point where I can take Vitex on the regular (only 6 months is recommended) but I will occasionally take it two days after a period to help my hormones get a hold of themselves. Though I hadn’t taken anything this past December since I was lost in Depressionland.

I’m hoping the smoothies, consistent exercise and supplements will get my body back into a healthy state. The tough part will be remaining consistent but so far so good. This isn’t a new years resolution. This is just me knowing that I’ve let myself slip and fall so now I need to get up and repair the damage. Plus, the only way to naturally heal endometriosis is to go the organic and healthy route.

Sincerely,
Jenn

P.S. 1 Endless Energy gummie = 3 hours of energy for me, lol. Feeling very sluggish now but I just ate so that may be contributing as well.