I’ve been dreaming a lot. The dreams are as erratic as my emotions. After all this time of trying to find ways to escape the path I’ve been on… I’m still trapped.
I’m doing my best to accept what I can’t control and adapt. But it just seems harder and harder to do as the years pass by. I guess deep down there’s still a little brat that wants her way or the world shall face her fury.
I keep wondering what I’m supposed to do in this world. People seem to have a drive…whether that drive is to accomplish a lot or dig a hole and never come out, they have something that’s pushing them. I’m stuck.
Nothing is pushing me. I’m trying to push myself but the pushes seem like baby steps right now. I don’t know what I need to be doing.
Sean said he can’t be 100% here for me right now. I told him I can’t help but be an overly needy thing as I’m pulling myself back together. But he just doesn’t have the energy to be that supportive. His mind is on work 90% of the time. He loves his job despite the amount of stress it can give him. And currently there’s a lot going on and as Lead Tech he has to get the chaos back in order. Then you can add the pain from his wisdom tooth removal to the list of things that drain him. He’s been getting headaches and sometimes dizziness. So as of late, it’s either he’s at work or he’s in bed reading.
And once he’s home, there’s no want to actually get up and do things unless he’s alone or he needs to go restroom. So I’m bringing him whatever he needs. At this point I’ve just accepted this role of sustenance-bringer and only tell him to wait if I’m currently preoccupied.
*sigh* He’s done what he can in attempts to be more attentive. The occasional cuddle moment here and there. Men are simple creatures and I sort of envy them for it. What makes him happy is me keeping him company, back scratches, cooking for him, and sex. That should be the heading of the next romance book for men.
It would be nice if I could require so little for happiness. Then surely, my days would be blissful. But those long talks I used to have with him in the beginning, the many endearments, and bonding through reading together or gaming together… it’s all fizzled into a once in awhile occurrence. Is this what they mean when the honeymoon phase is over?
Now it’s just the plain jane part of marriage with the occasional jostling of one’s sanity to keep things alive? Maybe I require too much in life. Maybe for now, I should stop being needy and rely on myself. I see how limited he’s been recently with things not concerning his work and his passion for tech repair. I have to find a passion.
I’ve had drawing all my life as a passion but I no longer seem to find any joy in it. It’s hard to find joy in anything other than caring for my dogs. That nurturing part of me wants to keep nurturing. But since nature decided to pick me as one of the folks that have to take the long and arduous route to having a child, I have to look into the world of nurturing animals.
Sean likes to feel needed through his work. Sadly, I don’t feel truly needed in my job nor in my life. So animals in need can fill that void… right?