- too needy
- lacking a proper social life
- repeatedly getting jealous of my own husband for having a social life
- feeling left out and want more time than I can get with my husband
- often feeling insecure as of late whenever he hangs out around women (I have a reason for this. It isn’t only because I no longer feel beautiful or intelligent.)
- I always try to do things the “right” way and I’m so tired of it
Where has doing things the right way gotten me? A boring, unhealthy life. A life where I overworked myself until my health became shit. A life where I have too many emotions attacking me at once. Feeling too much makes me feel alone because everyone else seems to have their shit in line while I don’t. I can’t keep venting to others about what I’m feeling. Everyone else has enough to deal with. Plus hearing things repeatedly just gets fek’n annoying.
NOTE: My venting became repetitive because I’m an introvert. I was dealing with the same issues over and over again because I was battling my introverted mind. I needed to push past my safe zone just so I can feel ready to face the world and experience a social life again.
But yea, this is the only place I can post my repetitive ranting and blubbering emotions. People barely read it so it’s safe. I can’t keep relying on others to play therapist. I can’t ever expect my husband to get me because he’s on a different page. And he’s so logical my mental shit just sounds like jibberish to him.
Even after I get everything in line in my life, I don’t know if I’ll be rid of this sadness or this feeling that I won’t ever really be able to connect with anyone on a level that makes me happy.
I’m bringing alcohol back into my life. These fekers got to drink their brains off and enjoy life a little while I had to bear with my cloud in the fek’n corner of sobriety and misery. I was told alcohol was bad for my health condition so I stayed away from it. But avoiding the things I was told to avoid hasn’t changed anything because my health condition continues to get worse. I’m still getting these goddamned cysts. I’m still unable to have my baby. And I’m tired of living in fear of what’s going to happen to me.
Well, another reason I stayed away from alcohol is because I tend to get nauseated real quick just after a few sips. But I’ll condition my stomach again. I’ll finally have my nights where I can just forget about it all and then enjoy those foggy, dehydrated regrets the next morning.
I just need that freedom from myself. To forget and shut my mind up so I can enjoy life more. Plus, it’ll be easier to converse with people while I’m content and tipsy.
My mind prefers fantasy to reality. My reality seems a bit jumbled up at the moment. My father will be heading down south in five days to close on the house. My mom is losing her temper constantly from the stress that will be “the move.” In two weeks time the moving folks will gather whatever is on the list my mom made and take it down to mom and dad’s new homestead.
Sean and I found an apartment to move to. It’s a bit on the pricey end but it’s in the middle of everything, is newly renovated, and in a nice neighborhood. I filled out all the paperwork and sent it in with the screening payments and deposit today. I’m hoping the fact that Sean and I not having any credit built up doesn’t end up screwing us over.
Sean is still working hard and working a lot. I still get uneasy at how often I’ll be home alone in the move. Sean said it won’t be much different. It’s not like I spend time with my parents when they’re home. I mentioned it was more of the feeling that there presence is there which puts me at ease.
I think I found a writing class to join. I’m just checking to make sure it has what I’m interested in. I’m trying hard to make myself happy again but my brain still feels stagnant and lost.
I feel too selfish. Too spoiled. Like I haven’t suffered enough in life to truly appreciate it. Maybe Fate feels this way too. I had been experiencing strong, sharp pains lately. I had gotten a sonogram done yesterday and it appears that there are obstructions in my bowel as well as fluid collections around my uterus where there should be none. My endometriosis seems to have been busy at work.
They mentioned that there may be possible hemorrhaging cysts or one has ruptured causing the excess fluid/blood. The part I’m worried about is that there is a build up in my left tube and another cyst growing behind it. Because the sonogram can only show so much of the story, they suggested that I get an MRI. I’ll be trying to get that done this week. By the 25th I’ll be seeing a gynecologist that specializes in Endometriosis and Fibrosis and getting his take on what I should do.
My inability to be rid of this health condition makes me miserable. I feel a lot of hate. My mom is telling me to stop thinking about a baby. To focus on my own health. It’s so hard. I don’t why it is, but it is. I see so many with their children. Being proud of them, cuddling them, being loved by them and guiding them. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to experience that…
It feels so lonely..
It feels so empty.
I often feel like I’m suspended in air. And when I’m not stuck in one place, I’m just being pushed and pulled with little control over my destination like a leaf in the wind.
My heart feels so heavy right now. It’s not from depression (yay.) It’s from worrying about my uterus. How bad has it gotten since the surgery? How bad did it get during my depression?
After seeing another wave of “I’m pregnant” announcements on Facebook, I decided to do my research on which IVF clinic we should visit in our area. *sigh* I wish I could get pregnant naturally…
I was a moron two days ago.
My uterus was feeling different and I had been throwing up the morning before. I bought clearblue’s pregnancy test. I felt excited but told myself to calm down. Followed the instructions and waited with my heart fluttering. Not pregnant. 3 hours later my period arrived. Fate has a sick sense of humor.
It’s an endearing, lonely and painful wave that passes over me as I see my friends with their baby bellies and newborns.