In the wind

I often feel like I’m suspended in air. And when I’m not stuck in one place, I’m just being pushed and pulled with little control over my destination like a leaf in the wind.

My heart feels so heavy right now. It’s not from depression (yay.) It’s from worrying about my uterus. How bad has it gotten since the surgery? How bad did it get during my depression?

After seeing another wave of “I’m pregnant” announcements on Facebook, I decided to do my research on which IVF clinic we should visit in our area. *sigh* I wish I could get pregnant naturally…

I was a moron two days ago. 

My uterus was feeling different and I had been throwing up the morning before. I bought clearblue’s pregnancy test. I felt excited but told myself to calm down. Followed the instructions and waited with my heart fluttering. Not pregnant. 3 hours later my period arrived. Fate has a sick sense of humor.

It’s an endearing, lonely and painful wave that passes over me as I see my friends with their baby bellies and newborns.

Sincerely, 

Jenn.

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