Them Facial Expressions Though

I’m always looking at the non-verbal cues. A person’s posture, countenance, and muscle movements. I read too into them really but I can’t help but be attentive to them.

Take the expression of “AH! IT’S GOING TO KILL ME!” for example. I’ve been a bit of a gimp for the past several months thanks to the sciatica issues. I’m slightly hunched and wobbly when I walk and I push against my left leg, that the nerve pain shoots down into, with my hand to sort of prop me up. I do have a crutch but, I try to avoid any attention so I only use it when going to work or I have to walk far.

So here I am, hobbling along while my dog relieves his bladder. He’s done and I’m done being outside in the muggy heat so we turn around. Lo and behold, one of our neighbors is leaving his home to go somewhere. Our overly hyper dog does what he always does when surprised by a stranger—barks his head off and looks like he’s going to lunge at them. No teeth bared, just annoying barks and pulling forward. I already look like a weakling who can’t hold him so this kind of rattled the man a bit.

Alas, the intimidating display is the result of a dog who has no idea how to properly greet others. And weirdly enough, all he wants to do is sniff them. After I calm Buddy down, I apologize to the recipient of the barking and ask if he may meet them. They usually agree so he chokes himself just to finally get near them, sniffs them, maybe lets them get a pet in, and he’s done. He can resume his normal, chill behavior. They get to pet a crazy fluff ball and continue with their day.

Our neighbor seems to have had either bad encounters with dogs, no experience with them whatsoever, or just has a phobia. Also, I realized there was a little trouble with hearing or communication when I did the usual “Can he meet you? Can my dog meet you?” in which I’d receive a “Huh?” I repeated myself several times, even trying to articulate clearer than the last time out of fear I was talking too quiet like I sometimes do.

Finally after processing what I said, he smiled, nodded his head, and moved aside alittle. I briefly wondered why he moved aside but figured he was making room for Buddy to greet him. I then loosened my grip on the leash to let Buddy finally get a whiff of our neighbor. The man screamed and held his hands up in the air as Buddy rushed up to sniff the man. Not jump on him or greet him. Sniff. The man stood still, hands still raised, the entire time.

It was at that moment I realized that the man thought I asked if I could pass around him and I had surprised him by letting Buddy get close. To hopefully calm the man down I pulled Buddy back some and said “He’s just smelling you. This way he can get to know you.” I’m sure everything I said was just white noise while Buddy continued trying to sniff the man as I was pulling him away to go home.

I felt worried and sad that I misunderstood the man and scared the living daylights out of him. It almost sounded like he was muttering “that bitch” as I was walking away, lol…or maybe it was something else in a language I don’t know as he was walking out to wave at someone he knew that was currently parking their car. My worry doubled when Sean informed me that yesterday, while he was crazy tired and letting Buddy out to pee, Buddy had scared another neighbor. It was possibly the wife of the man Buddy startled before because she rushed back to the same apartment he had come out of.

She was jogging when the event occurred. The enclosing clops of her sneakers startled Buddy so he turned around and did his bark/lunge routine. She shrieked her head off and Sean stood there, eyes half closed, mumbling “Sorry.” What made it kind of worse was Sean looked disheveled and his expression looked like a hooligan you don’t want to mess with. To top it off, his tone really didn’t have any remorse because he knew Buddy wouldn’t harm anyone and he was just too tired to care about anything at the moment.

Apparently, she was fumbling frantically with her keys to open the door. Instead of causing her further distress by walking past her to our apartment, Sean took the long way around with Buddy which is pretty much walking in a big half circle to enter from the other side of the outdoor hallway.

I had a nightmare that leasing contacted us saying that they received complaints of a fluffy menace creating chaos on our block. ūüė¶¬†It’s hard to live around non-pet people. I always have to walk out in fear of someone else misunderstanding our dog because the little cute, turd-bucket has to always act like he’s a siren alerting everyone that someone is there that he must sniff.

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The Fiendish Furball that our Neighbors now Fear ūüė¶

*sigh* I can’t wait until we can move.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Derp-tastic :P

Alrighty, so I may have gotten things slightly mixed up about what was supposed to be done DURING the menstrual cycle. Our¬†Fertility RN Coordinator explained that the HSG is done when the bleeding stops—heh heh, whooooops~~~

As for what needed to be done during the menstrual cycle, I was able to get done early this morning! WOOT!¬†I had to get blood drawn and have an ultrasound. I’ll get the results of the blood test later today or tomorrow, I think. Our coordinator said she’d call anyway.

During the ultrasound there were two doctors taking a gander at my uterus. One of the doctors talked to me while the other handled the machine. The one talking to me had a sympathetic tone when saying, “Wow, three surgeries,” after she looked at my chart. Third times the charm though. She agreed my surgeon did well and that my uterus looked good. She also noted my right ovary looked clear of cysts and showed me where the growing endometriosis currently visible were. They didn’t say anything about my left ovary buuut I’m guessing the general remark of “looks good” applies to that ovary as well, lol. *shrugs* She did emphasize that I need to get started soon considering the history of my endometriosis.

On a side note: Ladies, if you have severe endometriosis/cysts/fibrosis and need a very proficient GYN surgeon in the D.C. area check out The Center of Innovative GYN CARE. Mind you, their surgery facility is out-of-network. You’ll be looking at a $5000 bill—that is if your health insurance will be kind enough to pay the $40,000 part of the co-insurance payment. Patients will only need to cover up to 10% of the co-insurance pay.

And if you get a message from your health insurance mentioning the bill is 80,000 and you have to cover everything after the $40,000 they’ll cover…do not go into frantic despair like I did, lol. The financial department of the surgery center and my health insurance rep were kind enough to explain everything to me despite my panicked and confused state. The insurance rep was great; she went out of her way to help me get all the facts and confirmations.

So yea, I’m feeling pretty good that I’m ticking things off the list of Fertility To-Dos. Still nervous about future costs of the actual IVF and whatnot but for now we were given info about everything before that. According to my health insurance,¬†testing is covered at 90% subject to a $35 copay. HSG or Saline Sonogram/MOCK done will also fall under your outpatient surgery benefit which is covered at 90%. And obviously, infertility treatment such as IUI and IVF are both non-covered services.

By the way, I’m seriously hoping that a miracle will occur before the IVF even comes up, lol. I know it won’t happen but a girl can dream. It’d be nice to get magically preggers and not have to pay up to $10,000~ ūüėõ

Sincerely,
Jenn

Fertility Tests = Fun Times

I suppose my brain went into overdrive this past weekend. Sean and I had gone over everything with our¬†Reproductive Endocrinologist¬†and our¬†Fertility RN Coordinator last Thursday and I was like “Yea, we got this shit. I’m ready!” Then I got my menstrual cycle Sunday morning and panicked.

My endometriosis is already making its regrowth known with the pain of the last menstrual cycle and this one. I kept thinking¬†I HAVE to get my¬†Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Test done during this period because I can’t afford to wait next period! I can’t waste time!

I was trying to call the office numbers given to me that are open during the weekend BUT NO ONE ANSWERED. The automated message said if I leave a message they wouldn’t be able to respond until the next day. I then sent an email but received an out of office response saying they wouldn’t be in until Monday.

In my mind:¬†“NOOOO!!! I only have 3 days after today to get this HSG done! And I have to find someone to take me because Sean is stuck at work and I’ll be in la la land with the Valium and I need to get my boss’s okay…and…and!”

Sean calmed me down with a kiss on the forehead and supportive words. Then later, after some pain medication, food, and rest—my own logic calmed me completely down. There was nothing I could do if they weren’t getting back to me.

This morning I received an email apologizing for no one answering my call. The email was from the clinic’s Financial Coordinator and she explained that they have not yet received the okay from our health insurance and it could take up to 2 weeks until they do get the okay. If I were to get the HSG done before then I’d be paying $690 out of pocket. My brain was like “NOPE! I’m goooood. I’ll waaaait *slowly retreats back into my blanket sanctuary*” I went into work late today, by the way. Menstrual/Endo pain + Reoccurring Back/Nerve pain = hard to walk/sit. So I rested flat on back until the pain medication kicked in. I pretty much looked like a burrito on the floor.

shiburrito

I’m in “We got this shit!” mode again. Yea, it sucks major bullocks that I can’t get the HSG done and out of the way. It sucks that my uterus is already feeling heavy pain during cycles again. But we’ll just do what we can and if it gets worse, I’ll have to just pull the plug on this whole thing and go on birth control to stop more cysts from developing.

I know this is kind of a repetitive train of thought that I’ve said before in old posts when I was trying to go through this process the first time but back then it would’ve been a total waste of time and money. I should’ve actually went on birth control at that point too when I decided not to do it but I kept thinking maybe a miracle would happen naturally.

The IVF would’ve failed because my uterus was in seriously bad shape. The first laparoscopic surgery seemed like it helped but the second surgery was a flop and the pain only doubled. The third surgery was done by a specialist surgeon who focuses on severe cases such as Endometriosis. He did a seriously good job in removing a lot of the cysts/fibrosis/endometriosis. I can have sexy time without pain and it’s great! (Sorry TMI lol) Buuut, the cycles are bringing them back bit by bit. So it’s now or never with this IVF adventure.

At some point this week I’m going to get the surgery notes sent to the fertility clinic and next week we’re getting the blood tests done. Today I’m just going to chill the fek out and work.

We got this.¬†ūüĎć

Sincerely,
Jenn

Design & a ‘lil Fertility on the Side, Please

Alright, so I tried to do another logo contest… #FAIL…

It’s disheartening how I keep failing. I don’t know why I’m so focused on logos but I love challenging myself by designing a single piece that will represent a whole company and its ideals. How come I can’t create designs like these?!

Seriously! When it comes to those type of logos, I always miss the mark. They’re so appealing to look at and they get across their meaning with such a refreshing simplicity. Oooone is the lonlieeest nuuumberrr~¬†‚ô™

*sigh*

Here are two logos that I had drawn up for contests I lost.

#1 This is for a product named FlexiBorder made by a company called EcoShape. The product is a border for your garden beds that can bend up to 70 degrees and is made with recycled materials. I chose to draw a plant shape that stood out to me and was different from what the others were using (i.e., trees and plant buds.) I had made the stem and leaves of my plant a stylized/abstract “F”. Coloring was off because I was trying too hard to keep to the green hues they had suggested. Despite losing, I do plan on getting some flexiborders myself for future gardening, lol.

#2 I’m not sure if it’s the name of a company itself or the name of the team the owner leads but it’s all about dog agility training and championships. Again, I tried to make a design that was different from the others being posted. But, alas, it was quickly declined.

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Number One’s contest is still going and there isn’t a winner yet but the logo below is rated the highest so far:

Sweet and Simple. It also brings better attention to the product. Great work, Diana-ls!

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Number Two’s contest was completed some time ago and the winning design can be seen below:

Doggy face cuteness~ plus they were able to incorporate the illustration into the company name without causing any visual interruption like mine most likely did. Good work, Seven_Art99!

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Anywho, onto other news. The fertility clinic visit went well. We got the lowdown on what to expect and that there are many affordable ways to deal with cost. We will only have two options though for the actual impregnating process. The first is taking medicines that will prolong the ovulation cycle and have more than one egg go through to be fertilized. The second is IVF which can amount up to $10,000 but they have different plans for this option available.

Right now we’re entering the testing phase and seeing which path is possible for me and Sean. There’ll be blood tests, ultrasounds, and testing to see how my uterus looks and what parts are actually functioning correctly and which aren’t. Most likely, IVF will be the option considering the damage my uterus has undergone. Endometriosis acts almost like a glue. As it grows, it clings to anything near and around my uterus. My tubes may not even be able to move to pick up the egg that would be available to fertilize. *shrugs* We’ll see after all the poking and prodding is done.

Most of this testing will occur during my next menstrual cycle which I think will be arriving soon. *crosses fingers*

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

 

A Little Break from the Pain

I almost forgot what it was like to stand up completely upright without the assistance of a wall, counter or crutch. I got to feel that again yesterday after Physical Therapy. I reveled in it; walked as slowly as possible to my car and just enjoyed being able to move like I used to. Sadly, after a couple hours gravity did make me slightly hunched in my posture again thanks to the nerve pain returning. I had slightly numbed the pain with ibuprofen before going to PT.

I’m also getting sleep again. No more waking up in the middle of the night crying and writhing in pain. I still sleep on the floor occasionally to help straighten my back out which allows me to wake up with no soreness or compressed spine/slight nerve pain. I also switch things up by sleeping on our crappy mattress/foam topper because I sleep more at ease when I’m able to be close to Sean. ¬†I will get soreness and a compressed spine whenever I do but thanks to a few PT and Chiropractic exercises it’s not as bad as it originally was.

I feel so relaxed nowadays.

Ah, I’m not sure if I got to mention this before but tomorrow is the fertility doctor visit we were supposed to have last month. I had it rescheduled because of how early it was before (7AM.) I figured that would be kind of cruel to have Sean wake up that early after having to work late.

I’m not sure what to expect. I was excited about it all and a bit nervous but I’m looking at it now with more of a “can we even afford this?” mentality. Cost will be my first question to the Doctor.

Sincerely,
Jenn

Just one of them nights…

Because of the rawness of reality and my reoccurring ailments, I’m not really on top of my game in life. I feel like each day is a struggle and I worry about how I’m starting to look since I can’t really take care of my appearance as well as before. And I¬†keep wondering if Sean will get tired of me or if he still wants me. Last night, before his sleepy haze overtook him I asked if he still wanted me. He said “Of course I still want you! You’re my wi-m-*mumble mumble* *snore*…” I asked for a repeat of what he said but the response was still a sleepy mumble that I couldn’t understand but I knew what he meant, lol.

I wanted reassurance from him. I wanted to know that he accepts me for who I am and that he’ll continue to respect me, my wishes, and so forth. And most of all I just want to know if he still wants me despite how things are with my health and how I am when I get stern with him. I especially needed the reassurance more than usual because I had gotten upset with him one night last week.

Sean has¬†done well with managing nights he decides to go out to the pub but one night last week, he flubbed up. His flub reverted me to the judgmental, upset wife that I was the time he was being irresponsible with alcohol last year. He had gotten quite drunk and tried to walk home. #1 I was hurt because, though he usually keeps me informed, he didn’t feel the need to tell me about his surprise pub visit. #2 Him walking home would’ve been fine if he was in fek’n Ireland and not in America near a busy intersection with his brain functions quickly deteriorating.

He originally had called me to ask for a ride before deciding to walk home. But since I missed his call, he opted to walk home. I kept calling to tell him I could get him but when he answered he was apparently halfway home. He had run quickly through the crosswalks at the light when he was on the phone with me.

I had an inkling though that something was amiss and that I should go out to look for him. Weirdly enough, my inkling was correct. In his drunken haste, he veered his wobbling arse off the sidewalk and into the woods. By the time I found him, he had emerged from the wooded area and was stumbling into the neighborhood parking garage. He unnerved a couple that he had passed by as they were entering their SUV. After passing them, he became trapped in the corner of the parking garage surrounded by a chain-linked fence.

I was really upset at this point because I can’t walk well. Every limp killed my sciatic nerve and I was trying to hurry to him before he decided to wobble elsewhere. His wobble was faster than my limp. Thank god for the fence which he vainly kept trying to push down. I yelled his name and he looked my way with bloodshot, watery eyes and a look that said “Hurdur?” I grabbed his arm, grumbled “for fk’s sake”, and pulled him home. At one point though I had to prop him up while taking him home which killed my nerve even more.

I let him rest for a few hours, then I woke him up in the middle of the night to unleash my fury about the whole annoying scenario. At first he didn’t feel like he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t black out, he remembered everything, and he came home. All was well in his books. But I clarified what he did that angered me. I was upset that he didn’t inform me of where he was and that I had to call/text to even find out. I was upset that he walked home in his current state because even though he wasn’t blacked out he was pretty darn close and had horrible control over his movements.

He could’ve walked into a moving car, fallen into a ditch in the wood, or gotten mugged! I told him about the neighborhood email where just the other night a woman was assaulted and stolen from within our apartment complex. Heck, if a thief had crossed paths with him, he would’ve been easy game despite his claim of surely being able to punch the guy if he tried.

Anywho, Sean apologized for upsetting me and he understood now what made me upset. I made him promise me to keep me informed of things so I’m not in the dark about his well-being. I also made him promise that should he ever get quite so drunk again and needed a ride to call and wait for me! America is not safe for a country Irishman. (=_=) *sigh*

Sincerely,
Jenn

When will things change?

I’m bouncing back and forth between misery and pain and apathy and exhaustion. I keep missing things that happen in the world outside my own because I’m drowning in my physical pain. It’s hard to think because of it. It’s hard to focus. And it’s hard to keep a good attitude.

It’s been over a year of this worsening pain so maybe all of this is to be expected.

I finally told my mom what’s going on with my back. She asked if I needed a number to a good surgeon and I immediately said no. I will not have another surgery to deal with. I will not have another fek’n huge surgery bill lingering over my head. I STILL haven’t received the bill from my laparoscopy so there’s this huge burden all because I can’t start paying it off already. It’s just fek’n sitting there, waiting to pounce on me when I least expect it.

Also, if this damned herniated disc problem can be healed by natural means, then I shall work to make that happen. I called the physical therapy clinic I had went to last year. The chick who answered sounded new. She set up an appointment for an evaluation which I guess would be needed after a year has passed even though it’s just the same damn issue they treated before just worse.

I was hoping to jump back into the routine since I was told that I could return when needed after I had finished the referred hours of physical therapy. The evaluation will be $110 because I don’t have a damned referral from a damn orthopedist this time. I’m desperate though for help. I need help. I need this thing to heal so I can be free. I feel trapped and internally I’ve become this wretched creature that can’t keep up with the world and life anymore.

I’m so tired of this shit.

– Jenn

*UPDATE*¬†The owner and another lady there recognized me and I didn’t have to pay the $110. They worked with me in getting everything set so I could start physical therapy asap. WOOT!

Tears and Hate

Hate is a strong word but I felt it so much yesterday. My healing was going well again until my monthly came the day before yesterday. My body felt wrong and I was plagued with a sickening nausea throughout the night. But at that point, the pain wasn’t severe.

Then the morning came. It was like the old days when the pain was so much I’d throw up and curl up in a ball. The shock of it sent me into a blubbering fit. Sean calmed me down and though I said before I would avoid Excedrin, I was out of Tylenol and the pain was too much to bear. And even though I knew deep down it would probably make things worse, I took a second pill a few hours later.

The pain in my ovaries subsided somewhat but my sciatica nerve flared and raged. I cried again and yelled angrily at it like a madman. I was literally punching my lower back and sending out pointless expletives. After my anger and hate was done with its part, a brief moment of clarity in my thoughts pushed me to massage my lower back and leg, which also suffers from all this. My muscles on this leg are weak too. Like mush. Especially the calf muscle.

I hate the pain. I feel cursed. I feel like I’m not even meant to be. Why am I constantly being plagued with pain? My endometriosis took no time to grow back enough to debilitate me. It’s like that $80 million laparoscopy/surgery was almost in vain. Why???!!!

WHy does it have to hurt so much that I can’t move?! I can’t sit, I can barely stand, and whenever I’m able to even walk I look like a broken¬†wretch.

Last night I was in a delirium. I kept waking from the pain and then passing out from exhaustion. I ended up with the lower half of my body off the bed which somewhat relieved the nerve pain¬†(we have a mattress that’s on the floor.) At some point near the morning though, the pain returned and increased. I ended up laying flat on the floor and finally the pain quieted but I was aching everywhere and was still feeling sick from my monthly/endometriosis.

I spent the whole day today on my back. I didn’t take Excedrin this time which I think spared me from more troubles plus my menstrual pain¬†has lessened. I only moved¬†once in the morning to the kitchen to make food for me and our furbaby and two other times to go bathroom and also to let out of furbaby so he could also go bathroom. Each time it was like trying to move a rickety robot. My joints struggled, my muscles ached, and the nerve pain¬†sent out small¬†but torturous waves.

I broke out in tears while writing all this. Sean got home 15 minutes ago and hugged me when he heard me crying. ¬†The crying was a mixture of exhaustion from the double attack from my endometriosis and sciatica nerve and sadness from reading a blog. I follow quite a few infertility blogs. Everything she wrote, I knew and felt. My emotions were already raw. Then this evening I see a new baby was born in my family and the sadness flooded back tenfold. Instead of receiving my own little miracle, I received a physical reminder that I’m losing a long battle with my body.

Sincerely,
Jenn