The Shifting

There are moments in my life where I feel all is right in the world and I’m content with how things are. Those moments are great. Wish they’d last for more than a week.

Then I go through these phases where I’m feeling dread, frustration, and/or listlessness. I’m sure these feelings are mostly brought on by the shifting of my hormones. But I believe they’re also brought on by little irks that slowly build up—like building blocks of disappointment, worry, and so forth that get added to create an unstable tower.

I’ve been frustrated about what to do about my job. I’ve been hanging by a thread where I work. And with the changes that were needed and made to put my health first, I’m now asked by my boss to put my job first. It’s a logical request that she asks of me. It’s a business. In the corporate world the kind of consideration they’ve given me seems somewhat rare nowadays. Heck, her back actually needs surgery compared to mine and she’s now resorted to also lugging herself around in crutches. She dedicated her life to a job that shows little recognition and appreciation. And because she’s one of the few who actually knows how to get shit done, the others lob their work onto her.

I can’t dedicate myself to this job anymore. The only reason I’m even putting effort anymore is for her. I get frustrated when she asks more of me than I want to input because I don’t see the reason for further effort anymore. I appreciate everything I have ever learned from her and from my fellow coworkers as well as my old supervisor, may he rest in peace. But, I can’t do this anymore.

I’ll be leaving my job at some point this year. As a designer, to keep creativity alive, I was advised to change jobs every 3-5 years. Though I’ve seen many not even bother and remain in their jobs for several years. Maybe out of comfort? I did it out of keeping my word to my old supervisor and to have something stable while going through the health whatnot and going through the fiance visa stuff.

Financially, it isn’t truly needed for me to keep my job. There is no crazy surgery bill anymore that I thought had existed. We’ve been managing all the bills well. Any extra money I had made went to splurges in stuff like affordable, useful furniture, my back stuff (mattresses, crutch, back brace, etc.), and gaming stuff.

I need to change. I need to change the direction of my career. I can do this now. I can leap for my dreams now. I just have to stop being scared.

Also, update on my back stuff. Physical therapist explained the problems I had been dealing with recently. Apparently, I may have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SI Joint Pain) hence the imbalance I feel around my pelvis and legs. The left leg muscles have been spasming like crazy during all this shifting of my bones, by the way. Damn sciatic problems, lol. So she gave me exercises that will help strengthen the muscles around my pelvis and legs which hopefully help correct the imbalance a little.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

Vent Mode Initiated ( ಠ ∩ಠ)

I need to send this grumble out into the void because I’m a grumpy bich doomed to eternal nerve pain (and possible damage?) I’ve been wrestling with this pain for a long while now. It went from bad to good to worse to decent to bad. Again, with physical therapy assistance I was able to get back to a decent, manageable pain level but my left leg socket area decided to call it quits.

I’m not sure what it was that brought it on. Poor diet from stress? Stress itself? Pain killers that reacted badly to the Lidocaine patch I had used? Trying out the APPI Daily Pilates routine and then suddenly stopping halfway through the week due to weariness?

Whether it was a combination of everything or one thing, my muscles and nerves around my left leg socket went haywire. I was out of commission for two weeks in terms of walking and sitting (once again.) I worked from bed and mainly rested my body with legs propped up on pillows to relieve the pressure on my nerve.

I also stuffed myself with food: healthy and fatty, I forced my brain to remember to take my darn vitamins every day, and I did very small amounts of exercise; small amounts because everything was a struggle again. I’m mean shoo, walking up and down the stairs was like running a marathon for the first week.

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Every muscles was working to help my leg from becoming over-encumbered by my own body weight. It hurt the most when I had to extend it to take a step down. Does this happen when a muscle tears or something? *shrugs*

I’m at a point where I can walk again but I’m walking as slow as a big ol’ turtle. I’m wearing my back brace again which is assisting my spine alignment (gotta love that good ol’ scoliosis…) and feeling the intake of oxygen within my abdomen. I had been taught some breathing lessons from one of my physical therapists and from the APPI DVD she lent me. It’s supposed to help me with working the muscles around my abdomen and calm my body when strain is occurring.

I’ve finally set up an appointment for physical therapy for next week since both Tuesday and Thursday have no free slots this week. This brings me to another bother. Someone had set me up for Today and Wednesday appointments. The lady manning the desk said it must’ve been me who set it up because that’s the only way they accept appointments. I told her I was unable to go in the past two weeks due to the pain and I couldn’t walk. I also said that I didn’t set the time up and not sure who did and that I only come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Miss Front Desk was sounding a bit annoyed now since my tone was slightly irritable. She managed to keep her cool and set up my next two appointments. But I apparently have to pay a $27 cancellation fee for same day cancellation. NOTE: I didn’t get the notification for the appointment today until yesterday and I didn’t see it until that evening so I couldn’t really call them. Though I guess I should’ve just left a voice message yesterday. Shoot.

I want to bonk the head of whoever set up the appointment. It wasn’t me, Miss Front Desk. I don’t ever go in on Mondays and Wednesdays. And I hadn’t talked to anyone over there for two weeks nor did I set up appointments the week before those two weeks. Part of me thinks it’s either someone had accidentally put someone else’s schedule into mine OR it’s one of my physical therapists and she wants the DVD back, haha.

Ahhh, good times..

Sincerely,
Jenn