My Precipice

When facing a huge decision in my life I tend to constantly think about this decision until my mind wears itself out and then I undergo panic attacks that can either push me to seek assistance and/or make me handle things stupidly. Though there have been a few huge decisions I made where I remained calm and did what I felt was best. Right now though I feel scared and a bit too emotional. Guessing my period is coming around soon.

All these years, without my even realizing it, I built a cage around myself. A cage built out of repetition; repetition to keep some sort of certainty. I’d feel safe in that certainty because nothing would change. I knew what to expect.

But I need to free myself. I need to leave that cage. That place I label a safe zone because I’m too afraid to face failure and uncertainty.

I often question what the heck I can do for this world. What I can do to leave any sort of mark in it. So much has happened since the first being drew breath on this earth. It almost feels like everything that can be done has been done already. How would anything I do make any difference? I’m one soul of billions that inhabit this earth.

All I can come down to are my passions: art, writing and dreaming. I used to have the most vivid dreams. Dreams showing faces I’ve seen, influenced by stories I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and experiences I had forgotten but my subconscious kept. I used to take those dreams and write stories. I’d draw out the scenes and characters. It was a life cycle that pushed me through my awkward and annoying adolescent years.

I lost that life cycle during college. My dreams lessened. My writing was sporadic. Drawing was a struggle because I kept having trouble feeling inspired. This continued after graduation. I felt worried and often empty so I’d force myself to do projects just to keep some creativity alive in me. A lot of them were never finished.

But, I see that I have a chance to reignite my mind. To allow myself to day dream, write and draw without the miasma that the stresses of my job can bring. As well as the stress from the pain of sitting at my job all day can bring. I can leave my job at any time. But I feel I need to explain this to my boss. To tell her that I’m not giving up or abandoning her, but trying to break out of my miserable repetition to fly and try what I’ve always been too afraid to try.

She taught me a lot. I can use what she taught me and progress. Progress like all the others she’s taught in her life. They all left the nest. It’s my turn.

Sincerely,
Jenn

 

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