My Precipice

When facing a huge decision in my life I tend to constantly think about this decision until my mind wears itself out and then I undergo panic attacks that can either push me to seek assistance and/or make me handle things stupidly. Though there have been a few huge decisions I made where I remained calm and did what I felt was best. Right now though I feel scared and a bit too emotional. Guessing my period is coming around soon.

All these years, without my even realizing it, I built a cage around myself. A cage built out of repetition; repetition to keep some sort of certainty. I’d feel safe in that certainty because nothing would change. I knew what to expect.

But I need to free myself. I need to leave that cage. That place I label a safe zone because I’m too afraid to face failure and uncertainty.

I often question what the heck I can do for this world. What I can do to leave any sort of mark in it. So much has happened since the first being drew breath on this earth. It almost feels like everything that can be done has been done already. How would anything I do make any difference? I’m one soul of billions that inhabit this earth.

All I can come down to are my passions: art, writing and dreaming. I used to have the most vivid dreams. Dreams showing faces I’ve seen, influenced by stories I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and experiences I had forgotten but my subconscious kept. I used to take those dreams and write stories. I’d draw out the scenes and characters. It was a life cycle that pushed me through my awkward and annoying adolescent years.

I lost that life cycle during college. My dreams lessened. My writing was sporadic. Drawing was a struggle because I kept having trouble feeling inspired. This continued after graduation. I felt worried and often empty so I’d force myself to do projects just to keep some creativity alive in me. A lot of them were never finished.

But, I see that I have a chance to reignite my mind. To allow myself to day dream, write and draw without the miasma that the stresses of my job can bring. As well as the stress from the pain of sitting at my job all day can bring. I can leave my job at any time. But I feel I need to explain this to my boss. To tell her that I’m not giving up or abandoning her, but trying to break out of my miserable repetition to fly and try what I’ve always been too afraid to try.

She taught me a lot. I can use what she taught me and progress. Progress like all the others she’s taught in her life. They all left the nest. It’s my turn.




A Less Stressful Wait

I suppose after everything I’ve been through, I’ve learned to respond to roadblocks a little better. I mean when it comes to anything health and fertility related.

I received a call from the financial coordinator at the fertility clinic. She sent me over all the costs and forms. The $10500 1 IVF Option is nonrefundable and the other options are extremely expensive even if they’re refundable. And there isn’t really the joy of being able to pay the bill in small increments like you’d be able to with a car loan. And then you have the additional fees: embryo cryopreservation $1800, annual storage $600, fee, frozen embryo transfer $4600 and so forth.

I sent emails to the financial coordinator, our Fertility RN Coordinator, and called the peeps at the specialized RX for all those shot medications and explained we’re not ready for this venture just yet financially and plan to save up. Our Fertility RN Coordinator said she understood, explained what I should do with the prescribed birth control, and said to call whenever we are finally ready.

I was actually thinking we could afford all this in the beginning. Then they sent me a table layout of the costs and made me realize how frikin poor we are, lol.

Setting up an appointment with my gyno and gonna get some birth control. Need to take it to keep the endometriosis implants/fibrosis/cysts at bay during however long a wait this will be until we saved up a good amount. For now, to my husband’s glee, we’ll be looking into adopting another furbaby. My parents will most likely shake me for doing this, lol, since my mom already thinks two dogs are enough. But I love animals gosh darnit! And if I can’t fek’n get my baby I will save some poor dog out there and adopt them! I can at least afford that!


The IVF Road

So we fiiiinaaally had our follow up appointment with our fertility doctor. Doc said after reviewing everything we’re clear of any diseases and all that jazz. I finally found out my blood type: A+. Hadn’t known my own blood type lol #fail. He also said despite what my insides have been through my ovaries look good. Unfortunately, because of the scarring our best option would be IVF; success rate would be around 60%.

Since I’m 31, they’d only implant 1 to 2 embryos which I’m fine with. Really don’t want to end up with quadruplets. Think my body would actually keel over if that were to happen. The whole prepping process is going to be taxing enough as it is.

Shots for controlling egg growth, a shot for controlling ovulation, uncomfortable side effects from such shots, a mock implantation, and all this day counting. Doesn’t sound so bad but—I fek’n HATE needles. My brain goes insane knowing that something sharp has impaled my skin. Yea, I’m an idiot that will occasionally and silently ball my eyes out while getting a shot. Though the crying usually happens when they use a needle that’s too big or have messed up a couple times because of how tiny my veins are. Ugh..the lingering pain I get whenever they poke the dang thing through… *shivers*

Anywho, before we hop on the test tube wagon, I’m going to talk with the financial coordinator. I want to know the upfront cost. I want to know if we can pay in installments. We were assured that if we do the one time implantation process that costs $10,000, we’d get out money back if the process fails. But I want to clarify if that means we get our money back if we don’t get a baby or if it means we only get our money back if I don’t actually get pregnant. I’m sure that I could get pregnant through this but what if there’s a miscarriage? Do we still get money back if that occurs?

So yea, fun times.

I need a permanent vacation…


The Shifting

There are moments in my life where I feel all is right in the world and I’m content with how things are. Those moments are great. Wish they’d last for more than a week.

Then I go through these phases where I’m feeling dread, frustration, and/or listlessness. I’m sure these feelings are mostly brought on by the shifting of my hormones. But I believe they’re also brought on by little irks that slowly build up—like building blocks of disappointment, worry, and so forth that get added to create an unstable tower.

I’ve been frustrated about what to do about my job. I’ve been hanging by a thread where I work. And with the changes that were needed and made to put my health first, I’m now asked by my boss to put my job first. It’s a logical request that she asks of me. It’s a business. In the corporate world the kind of consideration they’ve given me seems somewhat rare nowadays. Heck, her back actually needs surgery compared to mine and she’s now resorted to also lugging herself around in crutches. She dedicated her life to a job that shows little recognition and appreciation. And because she’s one of the few who actually knows how to get shit done, the others lob their work onto her.

I can’t dedicate myself to this job anymore. The only reason I’m even putting effort anymore is for her. I get frustrated when she asks more of me than I want to input because I don’t see the reason for further effort anymore. I appreciate everything I have ever learned from her and from my fellow coworkers as well as my old supervisor, may he rest in peace. But, I can’t do this anymore.

I’ll be leaving my job at some point this year. As a designer, to keep creativity alive, I was advised to change jobs every 3-5 years. Though I’ve seen many not even bother and remain in their jobs for several years. Maybe out of comfort? I did it out of keeping my word to my old supervisor and to have something stable while going through the health whatnot and going through the fiance visa stuff.

Financially, it isn’t truly needed for me to keep my job. There is no crazy surgery bill anymore that I thought had existed. We’ve been managing all the bills well. Any extra money I had made went to splurges in stuff like affordable, useful furniture, my back stuff (mattresses, crutch, back brace, etc.), and gaming stuff.

I need to change. I need to change the direction of my career. I can do this now. I can leap for my dreams now. I just have to stop being scared.

Also, update on my back stuff. Physical therapist explained the problems I had been dealing with recently. Apparently, I may have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SI Joint Pain) hence the imbalance I feel around my pelvis and legs. The left leg muscles have been spasming like crazy during all this shifting of my bones, by the way. Damn sciatic problems, lol. So she gave me exercises that will help strengthen the muscles around my pelvis and legs which hopefully help correct the imbalance a little.



Vent Mode Initiated ( ಠ ∩ಠ)

I need to send this grumble out into the void because I’m a grumpy bich doomed to eternal nerve pain (and possible damage?) I’ve been wrestling with this pain for a long while now. It went from bad to good to worse to decent to bad. Again, with physical therapy assistance I was able to get back to a decent, manageable pain level but my left leg socket area decided to call it quits.

I’m not sure what it was that brought it on. Poor diet from stress? Stress itself? Pain killers that reacted badly to the Lidocaine patch I had used? Trying out the APPI Daily Pilates routine and then suddenly stopping halfway through the week due to weariness?

Whether it was a combination of everything or one thing, my muscles and nerves around my left leg socket went haywire. I was out of commission for two weeks in terms of walking and sitting (once again.) I worked from bed and mainly rested my body with legs propped up on pillows to relieve the pressure on my nerve.

I also stuffed myself with food: healthy and fatty, I forced my brain to remember to take my darn vitamins every day, and I did very small amounts of exercise; small amounts because everything was a struggle again. I’m mean shoo, walking up and down the stairs was like running a marathon for the first week.


Every muscles was working to help my leg from becoming over-encumbered by my own body weight. It hurt the most when I had to extend it to take a step down. Does this happen when a muscle tears or something? *shrugs*

I’m at a point where I can walk again but I’m walking as slow as a big ol’ turtle. I’m wearing my back brace again which is assisting my spine alignment (gotta love that good ol’ scoliosis…) and feeling the intake of oxygen within my abdomen. I had been taught some breathing lessons from one of my physical therapists and from the APPI DVD she lent me. It’s supposed to help me with working the muscles around my abdomen and calm my body when strain is occurring.

I’ve finally set up an appointment for physical therapy for next week since both Tuesday and Thursday have no free slots this week. This brings me to another bother. Someone had set me up for Today and Wednesday appointments. The lady manning the desk said it must’ve been me who set it up because that’s the only way they accept appointments. I told her I was unable to go in the past two weeks due to the pain and I couldn’t walk. I also said that I didn’t set the time up and not sure who did and that I only come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Miss Front Desk was sounding a bit annoyed now since my tone was slightly irritable. She managed to keep her cool and set up my next two appointments. But I apparently have to pay a $27 cancellation fee for same day cancellation. NOTE: I didn’t get the notification for the appointment today until yesterday and I didn’t see it until that evening so I couldn’t really call them. Though I guess I should’ve just left a voice message yesterday. Shoot.

I want to bonk the head of whoever set up the appointment. It wasn’t me, Miss Front Desk. I don’t ever go in on Mondays and Wednesdays. And I hadn’t talked to anyone over there for two weeks nor did I set up appointments the week before those two weeks. Part of me thinks it’s either someone had accidentally put someone else’s schedule into mine OR it’s one of my physical therapists and she wants the DVD back, haha.

Ahhh, good times..


My body is a jerk

What started as a leak turned into a deluge within hours. Lord knows what pushed my body to procure a menstrual cycle two weeks early.

So yea the answer to what I was experiencing from the 4 possible reasons of why a female would experience watery blood down stairs is: none of the above. No pregnancy and no light period. It was like I skipped to the second day of the menstrual cycle; started out dainty then went waaay heavy. Part of me wonders if it was some sort of miscarriage or some belated response to the HSG test. *shrugs*

I decided not to bother my gynecologist since I know now it’s definitely a period. And before the cycle even got heavy I did the early pregnancy test and it was a definite, crisp “not pregnant.” Part of me wished it was pregnancy though it wouldn’t have made any sense whatsoever if it was.

Good news is we finally got the blood drawn today for the tests. 6 vials. I had to fill up 6 vials for the blood tests and I’m small. Like petite with petite veins so it took awhile and my hand even got tingly. Sean only had to get 3 vials of blood taken. WTF? lol. Though I do have a longer list of things to test than he does.  Still sucks. Now it’s time to set up the follow-up appointment and find out which steps to take next! 😀



Heh Say What Now?

I’m a bit confused right now.

So, I kept getting weird cramping last week and thought “Oh, I must be getting my period again.” Then my friend interjected, “But didn’t you just get that a week ago?” Cue extremely puzzled expression and grabbing the nearest calendar.

My friend was correct. I had gotten my period not too long ago. June 25th to be exact. And then I recalled all the hysterical whatnot I went through to get testing done for the fertility clinic. So why the heck was I feeling cramp-y and overly drained for??? I shake off the whole thing and blame it on my endometriosis acting up like usual.

Then today happens. I’m just working away at my cubicle when I take a deep breath and am graced with the sudden sensation of pissing myself. I sit there, eyes wide and wonder “Did I seriously just piss myself?” I took another breath and BAM, similar sensation but realize it’s coming from my uterus. I rush to the bathroom and see blood. My first thought “AUGH! It’s my period!” then I pause and rethink. It’s too fek’n early for my period. “AUGH! I’m dying!” cue flashbacks to a 12 year old me actually thinking she’s dying because she forgot periods were even a thing.

I notice something else about this blood. It’s watery. I heard at times when discharge mixes with blood it becomes watery. But why was I getting this and why so early if this was actually a very early menstrual cycle???

Google, dear disembodied friend, you have presented many explanations for me. Thank you.

First answer: “CERVICAL CANCER” … *illogical panic attack* *logic floats by* I already received word that no cancer was discovered during my surgical procedure down in my nether regions. *relaxes*

Second answer: “4 Causes for a Water Period & What You Can Do About it” … Thank you random person who decided to make an article about this.

  1. Post-Pregnancy Periodsnope, haven’t given birth
  2. Lighter Periodmost likely, but still really weird it’s so early
  3. Pregnancyyes, please?
  4. Labor Signsnope, jumpin’ the gun there~

During my cramping last week and wondering why I was receiving them so early, I ordered an early pregnancy test pack along with our usual monthly amazon pantry restocking order. Whether it be by fate or coincidence, that package was delivered today. So tonight we’ll rule out whether or not pregnancy is actually a factor in this watery blood scenario. If it’s not pregnancy, my gyno will be receiving an appointment with me where I can bombard her with questions and receive answers that will calm my brain down, lol.

The female body is such a tiresome and confusing entity.



Thank God that someone was finally in billing the day I decide to call one last time. After my physical therapy this afternoon, I felt this urge to call the surgery clinic. A lady whose name sounded familiar (from when I called 3 months ago) answered, and I told her the scenario with the insurance claims and insurance letters and what ensued was interesting.

“Whaat? Oh no no no…” she starts. I’m just like “Huh?”

She explains that they don’t follow what the claims are saying nor that new claim I saw. And that they would never make the patients pay those amounts. She looked at my insurance info and my account info there and said I’d only have to pay $560. No one would ever make me pay what the insurance was saying I may have to pay. Though the amount owed also confused me some because someone, possibly she, ages ago said $5000 so I have no idea what’s going there but hey I’ll take the $560 and skip along happily to the fertility clinic.

I can continue my fertility journey and that is all that matters me to me.




For awhile I’ve been feeling overwhelmed to the point of wanting to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. Now they’re here but I’m desperately trying to hide them since I’m stuck in a public area.

Unknown bills have been whirling in my head since that last post. Calling the surgical center seems fruitless really. They’re great with the before and during process of surgery but everything after they suck at communication-wise. The billing guy is never there and the front desk ladies have that “I don’t have time for this” tone.

I had to endure that tone again this morning with the same lady as before. I called for a different reason though. Mind you, I’m not calling every day for things. I called a few times in one day a few months ago. That day I talked to three different people so I could talk to who I needed to talk to about the main surgery bill. After three months, I called the day I saw the random claim only asking if they had sent the bill yet and finally again today in search of my operation notes.

So yea, I told her I needed my operation notes but could not find them in my online health profile. She left me on hold three times. Second time she forgot and did the whole “Hi I’m blaa, how may I help you?” and I respond in with a twinge of sarcasm “I was put on hold for my operation notes, heh.” Heard her tone change and an exasperated noise come out of her and she put me on hold again. She later hurriedly admitted that the notes were not yet accessible to me before but they are now and finished with that whole have a good day thing.

The tears came from reading the operations notes:

  1. Laparoscopy, surgical; with lysis of adhesions (salpingolysis, ovariolysis) (separate
    procedure) (58660)
  2. Ureterolysis, with or without repositioning of ureter for retroperitoneal fibrosis (50715)
  3. Excision or destruction, open, intra-abdominal tumors, cysts or endometriomas, 1 or more peritoneal, mesenteric, or retroperitoneal primary or secondary tumors; largest tumor 5 cm diameter or less (49203)
  4. Chromotubation of oviduct, including materials (58350) Hysteroscopy, surgical; with sampling (biopsy) of endometrium and/or polypectomy, with or without D & C (58558)
  5. Cystourethroscopy, with dilation of bladder for interstitial cystitis; general or conduction (spinal) anesthesia (52260)

They did all of that. All of that was the reason I was in so much pain and couldn’t get pregnant (excluding the bladder part. Not sure what was happening there.) And now all that will probably equal to that dreaded $11000 that keeps popping up in my mind. Because that random claim is for real and the provider name is also in the operation notes. He was a surgical assistant who had removed the abdominal growth I had no idea about.

It’s like in those mythical stories. If you truly want something big, a heavy price must be paid. I wanted to be free from all that pain. And the price may be the baby I’ve always wanted. I can’t keep trying naturally because the endometriosis and growths will regrow; I’ll have to go on birth control to stop the regrowth. Fertility help was my last chance to have my own child and I wanted to get it done while I was young and still have half my egg supply!

I know, I know. I’m being over-dramatic. But… I can’t help it…

I just wish they’d send that damn bill so I know what to do next. If it’s not my body that’s in pain, it’s my heart. And I’m just so tired.


Valium Makes Me Sad

I should seriously stop looking at my claims section in my healthcare member account. The “You May Owe” parts send me into a frenzy every time, lol. Today I saw a $6000 bill for an abdominal growth that was removed during the day of the big surgery I had for the removal of my endometriosis. I’m not sure how I didn’t see the bill before and no one said a thing about abdominal growths. I swear they need to give me all the details so I don’t keep getting random little heart attacks.

I called my health insurance just to get the low down on it and once again I got another nice lady to explain what she could. In the end, I just decided to shake it off and continue waiting for the conflabbit bill from the surgery center before I kick up any fuss. I called the surgery center as well, by the way. Told them the bill was processed with my health insurance three months ago and was wondering if they sent the bill of what I owe yet. The lady at the front desk said “Oh it can take up to 45 days from the day of processing… yea, it’ll take awhile…” Well, she got the “take awhile” part right. It’s already passed the 45 day mark, lol. I reallllllly hope I’m not going to get a random $11,000+ bill that combines the 10% co-payment with this random $6000+ bill for an abdominal growth no one even mentioned to me.

Health bills suck bullocks.

On another note, my HSG x-ray test yesterday went well. I had taken Valium so that the procedure wouldn’t be so bad but apparently I didn’t really need to. According to the nurse practitioner, because of my endometriosis, the pain and discomfort one would normally receive from the procedure would be nothing to me since…y’know…I deal with this shiznitz everyday.

However true the remark is, I still felt that prick from the needle ( ಠ__ಠ ) I feeeeelt it and I didn’t like iiiit.

Anywho, the dye they injected showed that my tubes weren’t blocked. Good to know! Also confusing. So far I’m receiving news that my uterus is pretty good despite everything it’s been through. So why am I not getting pregnant through normal means? Is it the inflammation? Do I have a tilted uterus? Is there a faulty cog somewhere that they haven’t seen yet? Is it the random increments of sugary foods that I’ll eat in times of stress causing problems?

All that’s left on the to-do list is the semen test, which will occur on the day of the follow up appointment with our doc, and the blood tests for both Sean and me that we decided to get done next Tuesday instead of this past Wednesday. Socializing with family seems to drain us, lol. We just couldn’t function normally after the evening we spent at my cousins for July 4th so we decided to just deal with the blood tests next week. Then my back once again decided to crap out on me and I couldn’t get into work on Wednesday because of the nerve pain.

Speaking of said back issues, I overheard Sean talking on Viber with his dad that day. His dad asked how I was doing and Sean said my back began paining me badly again so I couldn’t go into work. His dad, in his blunt Irish way of thinking, says “Ah, she needs to do something, Sean. She doesn’t do anything. Get her to do some sets with ya, ha ha.”

… hah… hah…

I love family. Truly I do. But when they assume nothing is being done about something big that I’ve been doing all I can afford to do for—it irks me. I know he was just saying things from whatever he’s gathered from his point of view, but there’s much he does not see. Much he does not know. So to assume is just kind of silly of someone to do in my opinion. But, alas, it happens all the time with everyone. Even I will do it at times until I catch myself and backtrack. I’ll get over it in a few days. To continue to be offended by something that trivial enough that his father won’t remember what the heck he said months from now? It’d just be a waste.

I was quite illogically depressed yesterday and I’m guessing it was the Valium. Like deep down I knew I had no reason to be sad and depressive. But I kept swelling with random bouts of sadness, drowsiness and the occasional “I feel like crying but the tears won’t flow.”

I no longer feel sad but I do feel anxious about health bills. :\ My mom suggested I check out NaPro since health insurance covers it instead of going the IVF route. At this point, I don’t fek’n care. We started this road. I already have debt waiting for me and you only live once. After we hear what the doc has to say from our tests and are told all the possible costs, then we’ll make the decision on if we should veer off the current route and try another. Until then I don’t want to hear any “try this” or “do this” shit

( =__=)

All this sounds so bee-atchy of me, lol. Apologies.