Design & a ‘lil Fertility on the Side, Please

Alright, so I tried to do another logo contest… #FAIL…

It’s disheartening how I keep failing. I don’t know why I’m so focused on logos but I love challenging myself by designing a single piece that will represent a whole company and its ideals. How come I can’t create designs like these?!

Seriously! When it comes to those type of logos, I always miss the mark. They’re so appealing to look at and they get across their meaning with such a refreshing simplicity. Oooone is the lonlieeest nuuumberrr~ ♪


Here are two logos that I had drawn up for contests I lost.

#1 This is for a product named FlexiBorder made by a company called EcoShape. The product is a border for your garden beds that can bend up to 70 degrees and is made with recycled materials. I chose to draw a plant shape that stood out to me and was different from what the others were using (i.e., trees and plant buds.) I had made the stem and leaves of my plant a stylized/abstract “F”. Coloring was off because I was trying too hard to keep to the green hues they had suggested. Despite losing, I do plan on getting some flexiborders myself for future gardening, lol.

#2 I’m not sure if it’s the name of a company itself or the name of the team the owner leads but it’s all about dog agility training and championships. Again, I tried to make a design that was different from the others being posted. But, alas, it was quickly declined.


Number One’s contest is still going and there isn’t a winner yet but the logo below is rated the highest so far:

Sweet and Simple. It also brings better attention to the product. Great work, Diana-ls!


Number Two’s contest was completed some time ago and the winning design can be seen below:

Doggy face cuteness~ plus they were able to incorporate the illustration into the company name without causing any visual interruption like mine most likely did. Good work, Seven_Art99!


Anywho, onto other news. The fertility clinic visit went well. We got the lowdown on what to expect and that there are many affordable ways to deal with cost. We will only have two options though for the actual impregnating process. The first is taking medicines that will prolong the ovulation cycle and have more than one egg go through to be fertilized. The second is IVF which can amount up to $10,000 but they have different plans for this option available.

Right now we’re entering the testing phase and seeing which path is possible for me and Sean. There’ll be blood tests, ultrasounds, and testing to see how my uterus looks and what parts are actually functioning correctly and which aren’t. Most likely, IVF will be the option considering the damage my uterus has undergone. Endometriosis acts almost like a glue. As it grows, it clings to anything near and around my uterus. My tubes may not even be able to move to pick up the egg that would be available to fertilize. *shrugs* We’ll see after all the poking and prodding is done.

Most of this testing will occur during my next menstrual cycle which I think will be arriving soon. *crosses fingers*




A Little Break from the Pain

I almost forgot what it was like to stand up completely upright without the assistance of a wall, counter or crutch. I got to feel that again yesterday after Physical Therapy. I reveled in it; walked as slowly as possible to my car and just enjoyed being able to move like I used to. Sadly, after a couple hours gravity did make me slightly hunched in my posture again thanks to the nerve pain returning. I had slightly numbed the pain with ibuprofen before going to PT.

I’m also getting sleep again. No more waking up in the middle of the night crying and writhing in pain. I still sleep on the floor occasionally to help straighten my back out which allows me to wake up with no soreness or compressed spine/slight nerve pain. I also switch things up by sleeping on our crappy mattress/foam topper because I sleep more at ease when I’m able to be close to Sean.  I will get soreness and a compressed spine whenever I do but thanks to a few PT and Chiropractic exercises it’s not as bad as it originally was.

I feel so relaxed nowadays.

Ah, I’m not sure if I got to mention this before but tomorrow is the fertility doctor visit we were supposed to have last month. I had it rescheduled because of how early it was before (7AM.) I figured that would be kind of cruel to have Sean wake up that early after having to work late.

I’m not sure what to expect. I was excited about it all and a bit nervous but I’m looking at it now with more of a “can we even afford this?” mentality. Cost will be my first question to the Doctor.


Just one of them nights…

Because of the rawness of reality and my reoccurring ailments, I’m not really on top of my game in life. I feel like each day is a struggle and I worry about how I’m starting to look since I can’t really take care of my appearance as well as before. And I keep wondering if Sean will get tired of me or if he still wants me. Last night, before his sleepy haze overtook him I asked if he still wanted me. He said “Of course I still want you! You’re my wi-m-*mumble mumble* *snore*…” I asked for a repeat of what he said but the response was still a sleepy mumble that I couldn’t understand but I knew what he meant, lol.

I wanted reassurance from him. I wanted to know that he accepts me for who I am and that he’ll continue to respect me, my wishes, and so forth. And most of all I just want to know if he still wants me despite how things are with my health and how I am when I get stern with him. I especially needed the reassurance more than usual because I had gotten upset with him one night last week.

Sean has done well with managing nights he decides to go out to the pub but one night last week, he flubbed up. His flub reverted me to the judgmental, upset wife that I was the time he was being irresponsible with alcohol last year. He had gotten quite drunk and tried to walk home. #1 I was hurt because, though he usually keeps me informed, he didn’t feel the need to tell me about his surprise pub visit. #2 Him walking home would’ve been fine if he was in fek’n Ireland and not in America near a busy intersection with his brain functions quickly deteriorating.

He originally had called me to ask for a ride before deciding to walk home. But since I missed his call, he opted to walk home. I kept calling to tell him I could get him but when he answered he was apparently halfway home. He had run quickly through the crosswalks at the light when he was on the phone with me.

I had an inkling though that something was amiss and that I should go out to look for him. Weirdly enough, my inkling was correct. In his drunken haste, he veered his wobbling arse off the sidewalk and into the woods. By the time I found him, he had emerged from the wooded area and was stumbling into the neighborhood parking garage. He unnerved a couple that he had passed by as they were entering their SUV. After passing them, he became trapped in the corner of the parking garage surrounded by a chain-linked fence.

I was really upset at this point because I can’t walk well. Every limp killed my sciatic nerve and I was trying to hurry to him before he decided to wobble elsewhere. His wobble was faster than my limp. Thank god for the fence which he vainly kept trying to push down. I yelled his name and he looked my way with bloodshot, watery eyes and a look that said “Hurdur?” I grabbed his arm, grumbled “for fk’s sake”, and pulled him home. At one point though I had to prop him up while taking him home which killed my nerve even more.

I let him rest for a few hours, then I woke him up in the middle of the night to unleash my fury about the whole annoying scenario. At first he didn’t feel like he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t black out, he remembered everything, and he came home. All was well in his books. But I clarified what he did that angered me. I was upset that he didn’t inform me of where he was and that I had to call/text to even find out. I was upset that he walked home in his current state because even though he wasn’t blacked out he was pretty darn close and had horrible control over his movements.

He could’ve walked into a moving car, fallen into a ditch in the wood, or gotten mugged! I told him about the neighborhood email where just the other night a woman was assaulted and stolen from within our apartment complex. Heck, if a thief had crossed paths with him, he would’ve been easy game despite his claim of surely being able to punch the guy if he tried.

Anywho, Sean apologized for upsetting me and he understood now what made me upset. I made him promise me to keep me informed of things so I’m not in the dark about his well-being. I also made him promise that should he ever get quite so drunk again and needed a ride to call and wait for me! America is not safe for a country Irishman. (=_=) *sigh*


When will things change?

I’m bouncing back and forth between misery and pain and apathy and exhaustion. I keep missing things that happen in the world outside my own because I’m drowning in my physical pain. It’s hard to think because of it. It’s hard to focus. And it’s hard to keep a good attitude.

It’s been over a year of this worsening pain so maybe all of this is to be expected.

I finally told my mom what’s going on with my back. She asked if I needed a number to a good surgeon and I immediately said no. I will not have another surgery to deal with. I will not have another fek’n huge surgery bill lingering over my head. I STILL haven’t received the bill from my laparoscopy so there’s this huge burden all because I can’t start paying it off already. It’s just fek’n sitting there, waiting to pounce on me when I least expect it.

Also, if this damned herniated disc problem can be healed by natural means, then I shall work to make that happen. I called the physical therapy clinic I had went to last year. The chick who answered sounded new. She set up an appointment for an evaluation which I guess would be needed after a year has passed even though it’s just the same damn issue they treated before just worse.

I was hoping to jump back into the routine since I was told that I could return when needed after I had finished the referred hours of physical therapy. The evaluation will be $110 because I don’t have a damned referral from a damn orthopedist this time. I’m desperate though for help. I need help. I need this thing to heal so I can be free. I feel trapped and internally I’ve become this wretched creature that can’t keep up with the world and life anymore.

I’m so tired of this shit.

– Jenn

*UPDATE* The owner and another lady there recognized me and I didn’t have to pay the $110. They worked with me in getting everything set so I could start physical therapy asap. WOOT!

Tears and Hate

Hate is a strong word but I felt it so much yesterday. My healing was going well again until my monthly came the day before yesterday. My body felt wrong and I was plagued with a sickening nausea throughout the night. But at that point, the pain wasn’t severe.

Then the morning came. It was like the old days when the pain was so much I’d throw up and curl up in a ball. The shock of it sent me into a blubbering fit. Sean calmed me down and though I said before I would avoid Excedrin, I was out of Tylenol and the pain was too much to bear. And even though I knew deep down it would probably make things worse, I took a second pill a few hours later.

The pain in my ovaries subsided somewhat but my sciatica nerve flared and raged. I cried again and yelled angrily at it like a madman. I was literally punching my lower back and sending out pointless expletives. After my anger and hate was done with its part, a brief moment of clarity in my thoughts pushed me to massage my lower back and leg, which also suffers from all this. My muscles on this leg are weak too. Like mush. Especially the calf muscle.

I hate the pain. I feel cursed. I feel like I’m not even meant to be. Why am I constantly being plagued with pain? My endometriosis took no time to grow back enough to debilitate me. It’s like that $80 million laparoscopy/surgery was almost in vain. Why???!!!

WHy does it have to hurt so much that I can’t move?! I can’t sit, I can barely stand, and whenever I’m able to even walk I look like a broken wretch.

Last night I was in a delirium. I kept waking from the pain and then passing out from exhaustion. I ended up with the lower half of my body off the bed which somewhat relieved the nerve pain (we have a mattress that’s on the floor.) At some point near the morning though, the pain returned and increased. I ended up laying flat on the floor and finally the pain quieted but I was aching everywhere and was still feeling sick from my monthly/endometriosis.

I spent the whole day today on my back. I didn’t take Excedrin this time which I think spared me from more troubles plus my menstrual pain has lessened. I only moved once in the morning to the kitchen to make food for me and our furbaby and two other times to go bathroom and also to let out of furbaby so he could also go bathroom. Each time it was like trying to move a rickety robot. My joints struggled, my muscles ached, and the nerve pain sent out small but torturous waves.

I broke out in tears while writing all this. Sean got home 15 minutes ago and hugged me when he heard me crying.  The crying was a mixture of exhaustion from the double attack from my endometriosis and sciatica nerve and sadness from reading a blog. I follow quite a few infertility blogs. Everything she wrote, I knew and felt. My emotions were already raw. Then this evening I see a new baby was born in my family and the sadness flooded back tenfold. Instead of receiving my own little miracle, I received a physical reminder that I’m losing a long battle with my body.



I find it funny how after I had decided to angrily rant about everything taking so fek’n long to happen that things start to happen. The check I was on about last post was finally deposited by USCIS this past Monday. We got a receipt for it and Sean’s removal of conditional residency petition/form yesterday. So now that whole process begins.

As for my sciatica pain, I’ve reached another breaking point in healing. Other than stopping the use of the Glucosamine Chondroitin Turmeric MSM Boswellia supplement (since it had made me bruise as easily as a fruit) I’ve also stopped using Penetrex. The pain has become even more manageable so I felt a nice break was in order from all those medicinal things. Now I’m using coconut oil and massaging it into any aches and pains that arise.

Why coconut oil? My body always seems to react well to it. It healed my face after a horrible bout of psoriasis and it always helps my bruises diminish faster. Let it be known though that I doubt I would’ve felt any relief from any oil when the pain was horribly bad. I’ve been taking ages to heal and I have no idea how long it’ll take to finish healing. But I do feel the changes again.

vegaI’ve swapped the icky tasting Bone Broth Protein Powder (I’ve tried to keep taking that stuff but gahd it tastes bad) and started taking Vega One All-in-One Nutrional Shake. My body wasn’t getting enough of what it needed which was probably why my body and muscles always felt so weak. Sooo 1-2 times a day I have a glass of this sucker. I’m happy to say I feel stronger. I can actually roll off the bed and get up without feeling like my muscles and joints are going to disintegrate. It still takes awhile for me to actually stand up because I’m waiting for my spine to adjust but my muscle and joints do feel way better.

It’s crazy how much my body needs right now in terms of nutrients. I wasn’t keeping up with it previously so I pretty much caused my own relapse in the healing process. See, I was in a restless phase. I was tired of feeling pain and weakness and kept thinking more exercise would help but forgot I needed to eat more carbohydrates, protein and veggies than usual to make up for the increase in exercise and to help repair my muscles. I have to control my patience unless I want to make things worse again. 😦


The Waiting Game

I like to think of Fate as an entity. Something that dabbles in our lives as we walk the many paths we walk. Occasionally I’ll envision Fate as a mischievous imp that is purposefully throwing every thing it can at my face just for sport. *sigh*

As the name of my post suggests, I’m left waiting now for things to happen since I have no power in making anything happen faster. I’ve been waiting to receive a $5000+ bill for my surgery. Waiting for USCIS to finally start on our form I-751 and deposit the fek’n $680 check I sent them. I know they received that fek’n thing. USPS told me so ( ò_ó  ) But I have yet to see that check be deposited. I don’t like having to worry about making sure my account has enough money at all times for the day they finally deposit that check!

81K3VqEvJmL._SY679_I’m waiting for my back to finally overcome this herniated hurdle. It was getting better then drastically became worse. I didn’t realize one of the items in my regimen was the cause until I turned into a withered thing. Now I still stand by in that it helped me but it appears that there should be a time frame of how long one should use it and how many one should take. I had stuck to the suggestion of taking three a day for some time. The item is a supplement titled Glucosamine Chondroitin Turmeric MSM Boswellia.

I believe one of the ingredients was messing with my blood a bit too much. It got to the point where everything in me felt so weak and the slightest bit of pressure anywhere on my body developed a bruise. I’ve stopped taking it and figured whatever it was doing to my blood was also the reason why my muscles never felt like they were recuperating from my exercises and were becoming tighter by the day. If someone could explain that it was something else, I’d be more than happy to hear what it was so I can avoid repeating the issue.

After I stopped taking it and increased certain vitamins, my body isn’t struggling as much. I’m working on building muscle and strengthening them right now so my diet has become rice, chicken, and egg with vitamins here and there. Cutting the sugar intake by a lot now too. I had increased the sugar intake since I’ve been so up and down lately with worries. Couldn’t really help myself… 😦

The last thing I’m waiting for is my vacation. We’re planning on taking one around Fall/Winter time. Feels like it’s forever away. I’m just so tired of this busybody place and where I work. I just want to sit in the sand, feet buried, wind blowing and waves lulling me into a calm sense of security. I need something like that. Something that will naturally put me at ease.




So the scare that was last night has been brought to a close this morning after calling both my surgery center and my health insurance for an explanation of what happened. I still didn’t quite get the full picture when the billing lady at the surgery center was trying to explain. In fact, I accidentally misunderstood her thinking she said the amount they sent to my healthcare was $46-thousand-something-something and not the $82,825.04.

The call to my insurance was much more helpful. The representative there explained everything in detail about the claim they had sent. She also went above and beyond and spoke to the lady I had talked to at the surgery center to see if what they really meant to send was the $46,000. She said I could wait on the other line while all that was going on because I really did need the full story and she was nice enough to help me get that.

But yea, apparently my surgery center did originally bill $82, 825.04 (still shocking to see that amount) to my insurance. Anyone thinking of going to an out-of-network facility for a laparoscopy, be prepared for large sums of money to appear on your bill. And as it said in the letter from last night, my health insurance would only be able to cover $45,650.50. Leaving $37,174.54 to fall on my lap, right?

Well, it seemed the example of $2000-$3000 that my surgeon was telling me about was just that… an example. BUT they did keep to their word and said I wouldn’t get billed a crazy amount. They explained I would get billed the 10% co-insurance amount one would pay if they were in-network. So after all the crazy numerical hubbub, they’re only going to bill me $5052 which in my opinion is muuuuuuuch better than $37,174.54.

But good LAHDIE, they should forewarn their patients of the insane numbers they’d see at first! I get it now…that I’m just supposed to ignore the big numbers and just wait for their actual statement but that damned letter from my insurance’s patient advocacy service filled me with a shock I was not prepared for. My anxiety sent images in my mind of me and my husband living in a makeshift tent in the woods because this laparoscopy (that was actually done right since it was an expert surgeon doing it this time) turned us into paupers.

I’m seriously thankful they’re nice enough to not make me pay what actually is close to my previous yearly income (before I went part-time to tackle all my health problems.) Apparently, that’s not something that’s done often from what the insurance representative mentioned. Thank you, my surgery center, for not making your patients to go into debt.


And Boom Goes My Mind

Things were rolling a long pretty smoothly so I guess Fate wanted to throw some “DA FAHQ!?!” in the mix.

I need to write this out or my brain will implode. Seriously, I wish there were folks who could tell me if they ever dealt with this. *sigh*

I get home today and get a letter in the mail from my healthcare saying they have contracted with a company that helps healthcare payers manage the cost of care. Apparently, my laparoscopy costs $82,825.04…. yea… what?

This, of course, gave me a heart attack. My previous laparoscopies never cost THIS much so how come this one is outrageous???

The shitty part is that I have to wait all night until I can call anyone tomorrow morning about this. I’m going to call the surgery center folks and ask them what in the world is going on with this amount. That I was told that I’d end up paying $3000 not the possible $40,000+ that may occur should this go through without the surgery center correcting anything.

How the hell does an $11,000 procedure turn into $82,000?! It’s not like they installed another uterus in place of my own (is that even possible?)

I cried my eyes out while in panic mode. They’re currently dry and kind of hurt.

Sean did his best to calm me down. He said, “If this is a mistake we’ll handle it in the morning. If this is truly something we will end up owing, maybe we can work with them to pay in installments. It’ll be okay, love.”

I broke down again and apologized for even having this goddamned disease. If I didn’t have it, this wouldn’t even be happening. Again he told me everything will be okay and that I needed this procedure so we’ll do what we have to to make this work.


I feel like the Hulk just grabbed me from the legs, slammed me into the ground a few times like a rag doll, and left me in a crevice to wallow in my own self pity. Why can’t there just be a few months of calm? Why is life constantly throwing shit in my face? I just want peace. I wanted freedom from physical pain, so I went to the best GYN care surgeon, was assured all will be well and now I’m being shown that being temporarily free from pain comes at a huge price???

For fuck’s sake!!

I could’ve adopted two children with that amount!!!

– Jenn

Body Maintenance FTW

Went to the surgery clinic I had gotten my laparoscopy done at to have a belated post op appointment with my surgeon. Though he ended up having to rush to a surgery and assist with some emergency that was occurring in it (hope everything went okay with that!) Instead I met with one of their nurse practitioners who was really nice. She pulled out the last bit of fancy stitching that was still clinging to my belly button and checked all my incisions.

Everything healed up well and I haven’t had any issues with anything she had on the list of things to be worried about. Before leaving I asked if she could ask my surgeon which fertility clinic he mentioned last time and which doctor it was he had recommended to go to there (it had been awhile so I forgot.) She got back to me asap via email and after Sean and I got back home I set up an appointment to go see said recommended doctor on May 25th.

I’m sort of excited I’m finally moving forward in all this. Yea, I know IVF is hit or miss and I’ve complained about it before but really, it’s the only option I’m willing to take right now. The first thing I’ll even bring up though in the appointment is how much is this all going to cost. My surgeon gave me a wee bit of hope saying “Oh, you’re healthcare may actually help a bit with this…” after he saw which one I had.

If this thing costs a chunk and doesn’t work the first go, I’m done. I’ll have to find a birth control that least messes with me and start going on that. Even though I hate using birth control, it may be the only consistent help I can get in managing my endometriosis :\ And that shit likes to grow back quick in me.

NOTE: Anything I share (i.e. pics and links of the stuff I use) with you guys about health and pain relief isn’t meant to be an ad but if it’s something that’s actually helping me, I figured I’d share it for those it could possibly help.

penetrexSoooo, on another note, I started using Penetrex  for my herniated disc/sciatica pain. I had gotten it over a month ago but I wasn’t sure if it was actually working. The pain was so strong at that time I couldn’t really feel the relief so I stopped using it.

Then the whole arduous healing regimen began. When I could finally feel that my herniated disc issue was starting to improve and the need for pain killers wasn’t as intense, I brought Penetrex back into the mix.  It’s become my substitute for Tylenol at this point. Any spot that hurts, I use it on. And last night, there was one area near my left knee that was hurting so I rubbed it on there as well and the next morning I noticed something preeeetty interesting~ 😀

My varicose veins that I usually saw gathered in that area of my leg had diminished. There had always been a cluster there since college and now there’s a ghost of one left. I was like OMGAHD PENETREX YOU ROCK! I’M SORRY I DOUBTED YOU!!! It actually does help with my nerve pain too but it only worked best for me after I started to heal. It’s most effective when I massage it well into all the areas that hurt along my lower left half of my body.

I checked online to see if Penetrex was known for getting rid of varicose veins and found that it helped another user with theirs: B6 + Anti-Inflammation = bye bye painful varicose veins. Woot!