At the age of 12, everything was still just for fun. The environment that I was in was so laid back that I didn’t learn the full weight of my actions until I went on this dating venture. Everything shifted from lighthearted to a lot more serious and I wasn’t ready for the serious.
The first day of finding a suitor was relaxed. No one other than my close friends knew I was going to start asking boys out. I wanted to start out safe so I approached (for their sake and mine I’ll only use their first or first two letters of their name) CH. Whenever I think of CH, I think of kindness, politeness, and his baby face. I swear, he was the type of guy you just wanted to hug the moment you meet him.
I took him by surprise by coming over to him before class began. As calmly as I could, I asked if he would like to go out with me [on a date]. He smiled for a moment then immediately looked like he felt bad at knowing he’d have to let me down. And he did so in a gentle way and then apologized. I actually felt bad for even asking because he was being so nice and I told him that there was no need for apologizing and that I understood.
The next day, I got a little braver. It was some time before lunch and the class was either on break or it ended early, I don’t know. I just remember everyone being spread out and doing their own thing. I had a crush on A since second grade. He had a sporty, exotic look about him. He was like me, half and half. I don’t remember if he was also half Filipino and half white or if he had both Hawaiian along with the Filipino but you can get the vibe of his appearance from that sort of mixture.
He was pretty popular and quite outgoing. I asked him just as quickly and plainly as I asked CH if he would like to go out with me. He looked taken aback by the whole thing and said he couldn’t. And then some part of me wanted to milk the situation and I jokingly asked “Is it because I’m ugly? Do you not like me?” and he was like “No no no, that’s not it!”
It wasn’t until later that it dawned upon me. I had completely forgotten that I had seen him hugging my friend’s older sister a week before. And it wasn’t “OH HI, BRO!” hugging, it was cuddle hugging. I felt so bad that I had put him on the spot because apparently it was all supposed to be a secret. Plus, the whole scene put me and my suitor seeking on the radar. The majority of the class knew but I still kept going.
One night, I called my best friend, Steph. I had told her my plan of calling one of the boys (felt it would be better than putting him on the spot at school.) His name was M and I had known him since first grade. The first day I met him, I had just returned for the first time to my childhood school. Money was often a factor in why I was temporarily in another school instead of the one I loved. Despite the price of private schools my mom was adamant that I was always in one.
Back to my first encounter with M: My first grade teacher had asked if I wanted to be introduced to the class. I responded, “Nah, that’s okay. I know everyone because I used to go here.” She smiled and then told me to go to an empty seat in the back. I complied and looked at each face I passed. I did not recognize the blonde haired, stern-faced boy sitting in front of the desk I was heading to. As I sat down, I tapped on his shoulder and he looked at me with such an intimidating expression that I nearly choked on my words.
“I’m sorry, I actually don’t know you. What’s your name?”
He gave me a look like I just asked the dumbest question in the world and turned to face the front without responding. That was M. He was prideful, didn’t deal with stupidity, and always appeared to have other more important things on his mind than school. He was a bit kinder whenever I came across him during the rest of elementary. But in junior high, it always felt like there was a wall around him.
I dialed a three-way-call on the phone which my friends and I often did during not-so-lively summers. Steph was still on the line and silent. M answered and instead of asking him out, I ended up talking to him for just a few minutes. I think I chickened out and I can’t even remember what I said to him or him to me. The next day, I stopped M in the hallway at school. Steph was clinging to my arm and smiling wide.
Before I could even open my mouth he said,”No.”
“But you don’t even know what I was gonna ask!” I yelled while trying not to laugh.
“I do.”
“But how?!”
“Because you called me last night.”
He had walked off with a smile and was laughing to himself. I was laughing. Steph was laughing. It was an abrupt let down but I didn’t even care because I found it all funny.
At this point, I was running out of crushes. I decided to ask the boy I had a crush on since 4th grade, D. I decided to ask him during class. I made sure to sit next to him at the two-seater tables we had for that particular classroom. He and I were friendly but not close. I always remember his grandma who was the nicest person ever and she always greeted and talked to me whenever she saw me.
When the class got rowdy, I chose that time to ask. I asked him while staring at the floor. I felt a little closer to him than the rest so I was a bit more nervous in this attempt. When I received no answer, I looked up and saw that his back was to me. He turned around and asked “What?” and my heart dropped.
“Uuhhh, nothing, nevermind!” 😀
“Hah, okay.” he said with a laugh and turned back to face his friend.
I then proceeded to plop my head onto the desk and wait for the day to end already. Around the 8th grade dance, I found out D was dating Steph and I was in shock. I was also glad I didn’t ask him again, lol. That would’ve made things awkward. After the shock subsided I just shrugged it off. I was having way more fun with the whole having a crush thing that I didn’t mind not having him as a boyfriend. Plus, my friends meant way more to me than he did, lol.
I realized that I had no more crushes to ask. When I decided to ask the final guy out, it began the events that turned everything upside down. Everything else was lighthearted but this…was a long drama because I was a complete moron. I kind of wish I never did ask him. I feel like having just stayed friends would’ve made everyone’s life a lot easier. I’ll share that story tomorrow because it’s a long one.
Sincerely,
Jenn
The blog of Mr. and Mrs. Mac 